So I'm still in this waiting period. Period no pun intended :-) I've been working the last few days which has been an absolute relief, although it has been a weird few days at work with restricted activity due to my bleeding post transfer. I took a home test this morning just to see if the ovidrel booster shot that I took 8 days ago (the day after my transfer) is gone and it is. I got a negative test. So I guess anything that I would get from here on out that is positive could be promising. Although I think I will hold out on testing until next Wednesday or so. I'm barely 12 days past retrieval so it is way to early to start jumping to any conclusions. As most people say...step away from the pee sticks...step away slowly but surely!
I've come to realize over the last few days a few important things. First of all, I have the best husband in the entire world. Normally I do most things around the house because I choose to. Yet with me being laid up a little bit lately he has taken over things I never dreamed of, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dog litter box changing...you name it..he has done it! Second, I have some great friends. They have called, emailed and checked on me mentioning kind words when I have felt down, even without them knowing. My manager at work has been wonderful, working with my crazy needs for scheduling, calling to see how I'm doing...I'm a pretty blessed girl. No matter how this all turns out...I've been blessed with a pretty good life. I have a lot to be thankful for.
Despite all this, I find myself slowly going crazy with worry. I have this sinking feeling that this first IVF didn't work. I don't really have many symptoms. Plus I just have a gut feeling that this isn't the one for us. Maybe I'm doing this as a self protective mechanism. If I think it won't work, and it doesn't I have nothing to be disappointed about. I was expecting that outcome. People tell me to be positive...normally I am, but I have too much feelings at stake here to be completely Ms. Merry Sunshine without any filter. Even Merry Sunshine needs a filter every now and then. Funny because my nickname in high school was Merry Sunshine. Oh only if people could see me now...haha.I want this more than anything I've ever wanted in my whole life. yet things are completely out of my control. That is the most frustrating thing.
My beta is Friday, I think I may sneak a test on Wednesday...I'm just not sure yet. Hell these days I'm not too sure of a lot of things, other than that I so desperately want things to work. Either way, if I've learned anything out of this...it's that despite the outcome, I have a lot to be thankful for.
13 comments:
I'm sorry you're not feeling too optimistic about this cycle. I have hope for you yet! I also think it is definitely a self-defense mechanism to expect the worse. Somehow that makes it a bit easier for me. But I am hoping (and praying) that you will be pleasantly (ecstatic-ly) surprised come Wednesday (or Friday)!!
And by the way, I think for most people, you really don't start having symptoms until after the HCG is strong enough to show on a test so don't let a lack of symptoms sway you too much!!
I hope the next few days pass by quickly!
Waiting sucks. I'm glad you found out that the trigger is gone, so that any future tests can be a little more trustworthy.
I am waiting along with you here, with my fingers totally crossed for you. I will keep them crossed.
Your DOG has a litter box? Would like to hear more about that.
Symptoms (or lack of) mean nothing, nothing at all. You just can't know if it worked or not, but I totally understand expecting it not to work.
I hope you're wrong.
You are not alone in your current state of mind - I also felt that nagging pit in myself saying "it didn't work". The truth is you don't know, and it's normal if you don't feel any signs yet! Keep letting your hubby and friends be sweet to you - this is such a hard time. I am very hopeful for you!
I so hope this one works for you, Sara. Try to keep busy, and I will be praying for you.
It is true. Nothing means anything. Trying to interpret symptoms is inevitable, but certainly not a definitive answer of any kind. Same goes for lack of symptoms.
I'm hoping for the best, even if you are not feeling too sure. We'll do all the hoping for you and you just chill:)
I am a pee-stick freak, so if you do hold out, I will worship you forever. But if you do test wednesday, well, then you are just human...
The second week of the wait is so much worse than the first! You are doing great and I am happy that you have so many people who love and support you.
You seem to be feeling a million totally normal things. It's hard wanting something so much, isn't it? And by the way, the pessimism-as-defense-mechanism thing? I know it well. How can we NOT try and talk ourselves into believing this time didn't work, etc. when we have so far to fall if we start letting ourselves believe that maybe it did work? The truth is, you don't know anything. You have no idea. So try and let yourself forget, but convince yourself it didn't work this time if that will make it easier for you. Basically, do whatever you have to to get through this.
Thanks for your comments, by the way. I, like you, have convinced myself I'm not going to get the result I want at my ultrasound tomorrow.
The waiting is so miserable. I went back and forth so much during my wait after my IVF I thought I was going nuts. I hope you will be happily surprised with a positive on whatever day you test.
Yes waiting - it just mind boggling and mindnumbing. I am glad that you have the bestest husband.
I am thinking of you and praying for positive things.
I'm hoping and praying for you!
Waiting SUCKS.
You have been on my heart all weekend and you are in my prayers always!! Self preservation is good, but try to have some hope.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry that you're not able to be more optimistic. :( I'll hold onto it for you!
That's wonderful that you have such a great IRL group to help you out!
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