Onward we go

Today was my day off. Gosh I love having days off in the middle of the week. I worked late last night, we had about 5 more inches of snow, but by the time I left work at 11pm it was all cleared up. The afternoon portion of my shift I spent up in labor and delivery and it was so unusually quiet! I only had to do a couple of labor epidurals..then I got to watch American Idol. I'll take that!

Today I got up early and took my dog to the groomers. It's about 40 minutes away, but worth every minute so that they give her a bolognese cut like a bichon instead of a poodle. Plus there is some really good shopping nearby. I got a super cute dress at Banana Republic that I can justify buying since I can wear it to the two baby showers I have coming up and the two bridal showers as well. However...I do think that I may need some new shoes to match since I'm seriously lacking in that department. LOL! No seriously, I don't really have any to match the dress so I may have to make a visit to my favorite Nordstrom shoe lady...she's kind of like therapy! I'll keep you posted if I make any good finds :-)

While shopping at Target, aka my mothership....my RE's office called as I was rounding the last isle, picking up a pack of toilet paper. My favorite nurse was calling to say that all my cultures were negative, all tests looked good and we were all set to start our IVF cycle March 8th which should be around my next cycle. That puts my egg retrival the week before easter, and transfer sometime around Easter weekend! Wow oh wow...that's like three weeks away! Oh happy day! Plus my friend from work will be in town to help with my retrievel!

Tomorrow is my mock transfer...please keep all fingers crossed..and Saturday I start my Lupron. Things are definately moving forward. Later today my husband is picking me up so we can meet with our CPA to do our taxes...hopefully he can miraculously find us some deductions we are missing!

Moving forward slowly but surely

Things are starting to move forward slowly. My husband is back from China...YAY! I spent the week he was gone sleeping with the dog. Neela is good company, but not quite that good of company. I had my for formal IVF appointment last week. Had all my lab work, cultures and what not. Things are moving along. I'm still on the birth control pill. I have my mock transfer this Thursday. Guess this involves a thin cathetar, thinner than the ones used for my IUI's, and more flexible. I guess sometimes there is problems with using this cathetar in certain people's cervix where it is then hard to measure a person's uterus and pass this ultra flexible cathetar. So as long as they are able to pass this cathetar through my cervix...life is good. Let's keep our fingers crossed! My husband is coming along and we'll sign all our consent forms and paperwork. I should start my Lupron shots next Saturday. And this Thursday I'll find out what stimulation meds I'll be on for sure when I start my next period. If all things go as planned our retrieval looks like it'll be around Easter weekend. That's less than a month away!

I don't know anyone who has taken Lupron before. For all of you out there who have...is it pretty uneventful? I was shocked and pleasantly suprised yesterday when I was getting my prescription filled for it. Usually my insurance and my husband's cover nothing when it comes to fertility meds. Amazingly, my husband's covered my Lupron! Even the pharmacist was shocked. Hey...I'll take anything that I can get. Saving several hundreds of dollars brings a smile to a girl's face. Small victories wherever they may happen!

On another happy note. I had a great massage yesterday. I used up a gift card that my mother in law had gotten us last year. The girl at the place did a good job. I feel like a wet noodle...and silly putty! We're going out to eat with my parents in a little bit...should be nice. We're trying a new tavern nearby that have several cool dishes like lobster mac and cheese and other unusual finds. Can't wait!

Tomorrow I get my car fixed at the nearby dealership. There seems to be a problem with the fuel tank sensor. The needle on my car goes between empty and full several times a day. Oh well..good thing it's a lease and everything is covered. The only saving grace is that I'll be stuck at home for a day without a car...guess I have no excuse not to clean out those closets now and have a few extra bags for trash day on Tues!

Candy striper...or is it stripper?

Today was the first day after I realized that we were going to do IVF to conceive our little bean. I'm not sure what his or her name will be yet. So for now I'll refer to them as the little bean. I feel like I've entered the twilight zone. At work, I always thought of those patients going through IVF as "the IVF patients". Cue the dramatic music....I never once envisoned myself as one. But on the other flip side, I always had the feeling that once we say the fertility doc for the first time that we would end up here. Weird I know. Weirder is the fact that now that we are actually beginning the IVF process for real I have told only two people so far at wor..and only plan to tell about one more. Some of these people I have known for a few years and have done the ups and downs of the nurse anesthesia program with...but don't feel that I can tell them what a journey I am going through. I feel like they have no clue....love them to death, but they have no clue. My friends outside work I don't worry about. But I'm being so much more carefully and secretive with this news around work people now that it actually is becomming a reality.

So here's the really strange part. At our hospital, all the OR cases for the day including the IVF cases are written on with a dry erase marker on a giant magnet. Those magnets are then stuck on an even larger dry erase board in the specific rooms that they will be done in. I had a talk with my manager whom has been absolutely wonderful to me since she has been through part of the fertility battle herself about my concerns. First of all, I don't want my name on a magnet around all the people I work with. Second, if it falls on a weekend with only a couple of guy CRNA's around to do the anesthesia, I'm not cool with that either. Her suggestion was for her to come in to do the anesthesia for the egg retrieval ...yyeahhh! I love her. Sounds great. And when it happens she will either put up a fake name, or just remove the magnet altogether. I told her if she was going to put a fake name up we should do something fun and creative...something like a stripper name...like Candy the Striper or Stripper however you spell it...or Stardust...or Fantasy or something really cool. This may be my only chance to have a stripper name! I have no other chance...me with my small size A barely B's are excited to have a walk on the wild side! If we're stuck doing IVF, we might as well make this a fun journey!

Anyways, on the whole IVF journey here's what is new. Not too much. But I get to start the pill Wednesday. Wednesday my hubby gets to go get his testing done...a day before China...yeah! I also get to go to the doc later in the day. I get to get all lab work done...testing for HIV, and what not. That's the one thing I know will be A-okay! Have it done for work all the time. Also I get to get some fun cultures done...hopefully all will be well. I also get to get another fun ultrasound...aka dildo cam to see if my ovaries are accessible by ultrasound. Gosh...sounds fun...maybe I should schedule one among a spa day sometime! Speaking of spa days...I think I may actually go sometime soon for a actual massage. I've never had one, and feel that I am due for one!

After Wednesday, I don't think there is much for awhile. My hubby will be in China for awhile for work. Hopefully he'll send some cool pics...and posts to follow. And on day 18 I'll start Lupron. In about 10 days I have a appt with my RE to discuss the fun IVF coming up and to measure my uterus. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too much. The gals on the UU site of yahoo have said it shouldn't be too bad....not too much worse than my IUI's...that's a relief since I'm a wimp!

Next step..test tube or petri dish baby

Well, I found out our fourth and last IUI didn't work this morning. I woke up around 7AM or so with some cramps and I knew what was coming. I got the arrival from the infamous visitor about an hour later. I hate how much I know my body...hate it. And she was extra sneaky this month, she wasn't due to make her appearance until Tuesday or Wednesday. Well I'm sure how you all love unannounced drop in company when you're stil in your pajamas...I was not a happy camper.

On a positive note, I had to work yesterday and it was a great day. All the cases finished up by 4:00 and we just got to relax the last few hours...today I'm on call so I'm just getting caught up on house stuff, and being lazy. It's like 2 degrees outside and the windchill is like negative 17....yikes! That is very unusual for southern MI...usually it's cold, but not that cold. I went out to get the paper, and my face hurt. I was only out for like 15 seconds and I could already feel the iciness in the air!

I am excited to start this whole next step...and scared also. (it's funny...instead of scared at first I wrote scarred...I guess I feel that way too. Wonder if that was like a subconscious slip or something.) Inside the IVF lab where they do the egg retrievals, I always look at the poster that is on the wall that actually one of our anesthesia techs gave to my RE's office a long time ago. It is a picture of a baby jumping into a test tube. It was taken in the 80's when IVF was still a new concept.

It's funny...I always thought that it would be weird to have to have a test tube or petri dish baby. It will be weird if this actually works because you would be one of the only people to be able to say that your child actually grew both outside your body and inside you as well. Your child would take their first vacation and journey before they were even born! All in all my child wouldn't be able to say that I never paid for them to have any trips or vacations...haha just kidding!

I feel terrible saying this...but sometimes I feel like I'm going to be more excited or love my child more than other people do because we had to work so hard to have him or her. I know pregnancy is not a contest and I know that people who get pregnant right away love their children wholely...but...I feel like I will such a larger appreciation for the little bean once they get here because it's been such a journey already. I'm just writing my feelings..as right or wrong as they may be.

I'm excited because Brothers and Sisters is new tonight...love that show...love it. Only three and a half more hours to be on open heart call for work...please oh please let me be able to stay home in my comfy clothes!

Yeah you all were right!

I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. As tina said...blogging is way cheaper than therapy. Who was I kidding...I stayed away for less than a week and already I miss it. Thanks for all the kind words. I think you are all absolutely right. There are a million reasons to blog and not to many not to...so I definately will get back on the band wagon!

Hope everyone is having a great week. There seems to be a lot more positive stuff going on in blog land this week. I just wanted to say sorry again to Steve and Me for their loss...I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you guys.

Please oh please everyone continue to keep their fingers crossed and prayers or whatever for next wednesday for J and me. That is the day when we will find out if our last IUI worked and whether or not we have to dive into the deep hole of IVF. I could use all the help we can get!

Thanks again!

to blog or not to blog

I' ve kind of been trying to decide lately whether or not I should consider continuing this whole blog thing. My closest friends I would email anyways...and I'm not sure it makes sense for anyone else. A unicornuate uterus is not that common..and probably not that interesting to hear about. So for now...unless I feel the urge otherwise...I guess I'll supsend my blog stuff. I don't think it's all that interesting anyways.

Tag I'm it.

I've been tagged by Jen and I should not break the circle I guess...plus it sounds fun!

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I love ice cream...I eat a scoop for part of my breakfast sometimes on the way out to work. Sometimes I even get up in the middle of the night, go downstairs and have a spoonful. I have on average 4-6 containers of various ice cream at a time in my freezer. Favorite flavor since childhood is oreo/cookies and cream. As an adult I've progressed to moose tracks with Mackinaw Island fudge from right here in Michigan!

2. I have a shoe fetish. I often buy shoes, don't wear them for a few weeks and slowly break them out so my husband doesn't notice them all at once. (Although this is now a joke between us, he doesn't mind because my shoes cost less than the endless electronics he buys as an electrical engineer). As I've posted before...there is actually a lady in the shoe department at our local Nordstroms who calls me when they get new shoes in my size that she thinks I'll like. I have a honken huge size 9 1/2. Hopefully it doesn't get much larger if I'm fortunate enough to get pregnant someday!

3. I love my dog...maybe a little too much. I truly consider her my furchild. Sometimes when it's just the two of us I'll talk to her and rub her ears! I have pictures of her all over my locker at work. But don't worry...yes I do realize she's a dog.

4. I am a very insecure person who internalizes everything. Outwardly I'm calm...inside I'm just insecure.

5. I complain about the snow but love it. We get some, but not too much for my liking. I would love to live in a foreign European country someday for 6 months to a year. But I doubt I'll ever get the balls to do so. I love my family and friends too much. But there is something so different and great about overseas.

6. The fact that my parents are getting older scares me. They had me when they were 40, and are approaching 70. I'm really close with them and worry about them although they're healthy.

7 Yes I know I'm only supposed to have six but I'm long winded! I have the best husband in the world. He's so understanding, and truly my best friend. Oh yeah...and I'm so appreciative for those I've met on this fertility journey even though I may not have met you. I especially wanted to say thanks to Farah .

Farah has been an awesome support. She hasn't forgotten about me along her journey, is always honest, warm and sincere...so thanks girl. You're the best!

Also a thank you to Becca. She is truly my other half to my uterus...my other half to my UU...as weird as that sounds!

Elizabeth has also been great as another fellow UUer...I love hearing about her surrogacy journey as I realize that this may be a reality for us someday also.

I'm tagging Farah, Becca, and Elizabeth .

Lots of snow...and waiting

Today we are supposed to get this snow storm that should drop about a foot of snow. Even though we live in a northern state, we're not close to the great lakes like other areas of Michigan so we usually don't get that much snow. All the schools in the area closed, so people like my sister and one of my best friends are off. That's cool for them! I'm now off for 6 days...wow...what to do with myself! I don't have to work until next Wednesday. Guess that's the great thing about working longer shifts and less days!

So right now I'm being a lazy bum...slept in late because I worked late yesterday. I'm still in comfy clothes...with my 7 lb furball sleeping on my lap as I type this. She's been attached at the hip lately. Although when you're in the 2 week wait...it's nice to have the company.

On travel notes, I got the time off from work that I would need for us to go on vacation. So basically we'll wait to book anything til we see what else is going on in the baby department. However, we're contacted the apartment in London that we want to stay at and they are holding the dates for us for now for May/beginning of June. It's very cute...in Notting Hill and close to a bunch of cafes and cute little shops. We would have our own little terrace area. I'm geeked! Best of all is that my parents can watch our furchild then...that's actually a big area of concern when you're going to be out of the country. She is so near and dear to us both!

This two week wait is a little different than the 30 some others I've had. Part of me is more optomistic because it's the best cycle I've had with follicles on the appropriate side on a new medication. Stuff is different it feels like. But also the other part of me has already moved on to planning for IVF. I feel on one hand the pressure is off. None of these IUIs have worked before...so why should this...there should be no pressure and no expectations. However...the other part of me is nervous and anxious because this is our last ditch before diving into the long expensive, emotionally draining, complex world of IVF...that even if it works I have no guarantee that I can carry a healthy pregnancy to term due to my unicornuate uterus. With IVF there is so much more to invest...with no gurantees. But I guess there is no gurantees in life either. I just like to feel like I have more control. I'm a control freak...it's part of my personality, part of my job (you have to be when people trust you to put them to sleep), and part of myself I can't get rid of.

I guess I've always been a control freak...people who have known me for a long time like my friend Jen knows I was even that way in high school...and I've always been a perfectionist. I like order, doing the best at everything, but at the same time I lack confidence..weird I know. I graduated valedictorian in high school, top of my undergrad nursing class, and number one in our nurse anesthesia program that there are 500 applicants for 25 spots for. Yet I have no confidence in myself. I hope one day I will. I feel like it's my biggest weakness. On the outside I appear confident and calm...at work I have to be. But inside I don't feel even close to that. My RE said the other day...gosh it's so refreshing to meet with you because you're not up and down emotionally like some of my other patients... he said I was calm and realistic. But little does he konw that I even hide my insecurity from him and my OB/GYN because I work with them on a daily basis. I can't appear insecure or emotional when I'm doing anesthesia for their other patients. I have to appear calm and objective because that is what is expected of me. But people who are close to me know otherwise...andI'm so grateful for them It's nice to be able to be realistic with them...and on this blog.

In reality...I am scared shitless of IVF. I don't know if it will work. But more than that I'm scared of the pregnancy to follow. That something will go wrong, that there will be complications due to my uterus. That I shouldn't be doing any of this in the first place. But I have to. I want to have our children. I'm not ready to give up yet. Soon it will be going on a two and a half year journey. I may be down..but I'm not out yet. So for now I guess I'm just waiting...to see what unfolds next.