Today we are supposed to get this snow storm that should drop about a foot of snow. Even though we live in a northern state, we're not close to the great lakes like other areas of Michigan so we usually don't get that much snow. All the schools in the area closed, so people like my sister and one of my best friends are off. That's cool for them! I'm now off for 6 days...wow...what to do with myself! I don't have to work until next Wednesday. Guess that's the great thing about working longer shifts and less days!
So right now I'm being a lazy bum...slept in late because I worked late yesterday. I'm still in comfy clothes...with my 7 lb furball sleeping on my lap as I type this. She's been attached at the hip lately. Although when you're in the 2 week wait...it's nice to have the company.
On travel notes, I got the time off from work that I would need for us to go on vacation. So basically we'll wait to book anything til we see what else is going on in the baby department. However, we're contacted the apartment in London that we want to stay at and they are holding the dates for us for now for May/beginning of June. It's very cute...in Notting Hill and close to a bunch of cafes and cute little shops. We would have our own little terrace area. I'm geeked! Best of all is that my parents can watch our furchild then...that's actually a big area of concern when you're going to be out of the country. She is so near and dear to us both!
This two week wait is a little different than the 30 some others I've had. Part of me is more optomistic because it's the best cycle I've had with follicles on the appropriate side on a new medication. Stuff is different it feels like. But also the other part of me has already moved on to planning for IVF. I feel on one hand the pressure is off. None of these IUIs have worked before...so why should this...there should be no pressure and no expectations. However...the other part of me is nervous and anxious because this is our last ditch before diving into the long expensive, emotionally draining, complex world of IVF...that even if it works I have no guarantee that I can carry a healthy pregnancy to term due to my unicornuate uterus. With IVF there is so much more to invest...with no gurantees. But I guess there is no gurantees in life either. I just like to feel like I have more control. I'm a control freak...it's part of my personality, part of my job (you have to be when people trust you to put them to sleep), and part of myself I can't get rid of.
I guess I've always been a control freak...people who have known me for a long time like my friend Jen knows I was even that way in high school...and I've always been a perfectionist. I like order, doing the best at everything, but at the same time I lack confidence..weird I know. I graduated valedictorian in high school, top of my undergrad nursing class, and number one in our nurse anesthesia program that there are 500 applicants for 25 spots for. Yet I have no confidence in myself. I hope one day I will. I feel like it's my biggest weakness. On the outside I appear confident and calm...at work I have to be. But inside I don't feel even close to that. My RE said the other day...gosh it's so refreshing to meet with you because you're not up and down emotionally like some of my other patients... he said I was calm and realistic. But little does he konw that I even hide my insecurity from him and my OB/GYN because I work with them on a daily basis. I can't appear insecure or emotional when I'm doing anesthesia for their other patients. I have to appear calm and objective because that is what is expected of me. But people who are close to me know otherwise...andI'm so grateful for them It's nice to be able to be realistic with them...and on this blog.
In reality...I am scared shitless of IVF. I don't know if it will work. But more than that I'm scared of the pregnancy to follow. That something will go wrong, that there will be complications due to my uterus. That I shouldn't be doing any of this in the first place. But I have to. I want to have our children. I'm not ready to give up yet. Soon it will be going on a two and a half year journey. I may be down..but I'm not out yet. So for now I guess I'm just waiting...to see what unfolds next.
2 comments:
Sara - Have a great 6 days off from work - You deserve it and need it! As for snow, what's that? Just kidding. I am saying my prayers for you and your n ervous and all things female! I do not think that you are the only one with such insecurities. I think that is somehow a dirrect result in dealing with life's stuffs that are thrown at us. Thinking of you
"should I even do this". Ooooh yes, I hear you on that. I was thinking about posting to the MA board about that very thing.
Like you say, this is just what we have to do. It is certainly risky, but for me, I feel like I have to give it a shot.
I'm glad you have a plan with IVF. I too am a control freak and I NEED to have a plan. Not really a personality trait that goes well with UU is it?
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