Thank you....and "what ifs"

I just wanted to say how much you have all warmed my heart with your kind words after my last post. It makes the disappointment from our failed FET a bit easier. Some days I find myself playing the "what if " game. The "what if" our FET had worked, then we would be around 5 1/2 weeks pregnant now. Sometimes I even find myself playing the "what if" we hadn't miscarried a few months ago...then I would be well into my second trimester and we would be arguing over what color to paint the nursery - or whether we would reuse Brynn's crib and transition her earlier to a toddler bed. But I quickly put out those "what if" thoughts - I think that they might be as dangerous as wildfires. I know those thoughts will spread and overtake the ones I should fill my head with. So I'm trying to turn my attention to everything else to cram in there, so my head has no room for those dangerous "what ifs.



Spending time up north at my parent's place has made filling my moments with positive things a ton easier. Last weekend although only one day was above 70 degrees, we still got to snap some photos of Brynn and us on the beach. Brynn loved looking at her footprints in the sand - and the fact that hers were the only ones on the beach nearby at the time.



We even let our dog Neela join in the fun with some walks on the beach. She had never been by the water before so I wonder what was going through her little doggy head when she saw one of the Great Lakes up close and personal :-) Within a moment though I felt a tug on the leash and her 8lb furry white body dragged me through the sand towards the edge of the water. Brynn soon wanted to help "walk the dog" and grabbed on the center portion of the leash.


I found myself trying to soak in these moments, because there is a very real possibility that Brynn may be our only child - and I don't want to miss a moment. Plus our daughter deserves a mom who doesn't spend her time thinking of "what ifs" because Brynn is so much more than one of those. I thank God everyday for that.

FET is a big ole negative

We're just returning from our holiday weekend up north in Michigan from at my parent's cottage on Lake Huron. Despite having a great time, I woke up Saturday morning to my period. I wasn't terribly surprised since I had cheated and taken a few home tests prior to my beta at the RE's. All of which were negative. Hmmm. But it was still a blow to any last minute hopes, or any Hail Mary's I was hoping might make their appearance. In fact we decided to stay up north one more day and we returned today on Labor Day. I didn't feel like there was any point in cutting our trip short to get lab work drawn when I would know the result. So tomorrow morning I'll get up early and head down to the office for the last of the formality that will end our cycle. So a twin miscarriage and now a FET that didn't have a positive ending...I guess it's back to the drawing board. Right now I'm not sure what we'll do next. We've talked that this may be it for now - but to be honest I'm not sure what looms in the near future. We're out of embryos, and the thought of forking over $17,000 out of pocket for another fresh IVF cycle seems a bit daunting at this point in our lives. So we'll see. Thanks for the good wishes and checking in. Infertility bites sometimes, huh? It just plain sucks.

Just a few more days

Thank you for the reassurance and good thoughts...I so appreciate them! We're off to go up north to my parent's cottage for a few days and will return on Monday (Labor Day). By then I'll know my answer. At least I'll hopefully have some fun at the beach as a distraction and enough ice cream to gorge myself on. My cousin and her two little girls are coming to for Brynn to have someone to play with. Wish us luck! And I hope everyone has a great holiday!