A very happy day - my FSH is good!

I am so delighted and excited to type this....I got the results of my FSH back and it is better than it has been the last few months! It's almost within the normal range and gives me a lot of hope with going forward if we need to do a fresh IVF cycle come this fall! Neela our doggie was excited as well to discover that Brynn had feet today. Since Brynn spends most days in sleeper since we live in Michigan and the weather has still been in the 30s with no where to go with a newborn on most days....our dog was delighted to discover some bare toes today. If anyone walks around with bare feet, Neela tries to lick them - as gross as that sounds. So I swear she almost squealed (barked?) with delight when she discovered that her non-furry sibling has toes to be licked as well, LOL!


When Neela was done with her doggie investigations....she quickly ran to Brynn's nursery and settled in on the chair that has a few stuffed dogs on it. She was sitting there as if to say..."yes, I'm just one of the dogs. We're all just hanging out...don't bother us."
Well, this has just been my fluff post for the week...but it sure is nice to be able to just share some good news and some pictures of my furry child. She will always be my first partner in crime....white fluff and all, LOL!

One other vasa previa miracle

Here is the story of one other vasa previa miracle...just thought I'd share

Brynn had her 5 month appointment and is 11 pounds even. She's in the 2nd percentile and that's good with me. At least she's on the growth chart. She's 24 inches long. Grow baby grow!

I just got a phone call from my CRNA friend. She said that they just had a woman up in labor and delivery who had delivered a child with a vasa previa that had not survived. She was a former IVF patient and the baby had died. It's a shame because the ultrasound on the machine up in L & D had a switch that changed it over to the color doppler. Yet it's not something that is routinely done. If on all pregnancies this was done, it could be diagnosed and a C section could be done and tragedy averted. It makes me sick to my stomach. When will this become standard of practice....this is so sad.

Thank you for all of your good wishes

Just wanted to say a quick thanks for all of your kind wishes and support towards our recent situation. In case there was any doubt, we've decided to pursue gestational surrogacy with my best friend come this fall. I can explain our reasoning for the decision in the days to come, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who said such nice things about our decision. You didn't ask the why or how...but just that you supported us. And that means the world to us. As I said, I'm excited, terrified and so thrilled I can't even put it into words. It's a bit surreal. We've taken our first big steps today by scheduling an appointment with our RE on June 15th to move forward with things, as well as finding a lawyer in our area that deals with surrogacy. Here in Michigan paid surrogacy is illegal. Although it really isn't a big deal to us since we are going through a friend...I know that there are still legal aspects to be dealt with. I feel like we have so much to learn and with my engineer husband and CRNA myself being the OCD people that we are....we are control freaks as well and of course want to have all the details at our disposal so we can process all the facts. One of my main questions for our RE is whether we should use our 3 frozen embryos that we have for a transfer or whether we should do a fresh IVF cycle. Either way, we need to do something with our 3 frozen embryos. To me, they are our children or potential children...I would have to either transfer them or donate them eventually. I couldn't just let them go to waste. That has always been one of the biggest things to me with being okay with doing IVF is the embryos left over...I feel that they are ours...and something responsible must be done with them.

Hopefully the face that Brynn made after me after her bath this weekend doesn't reflect her opinion on the matter. Don't worry little girl...you and Neela will always be our first bambinos...our first true loves and will always hold a special place in our hearts of course! I was talking with my husband this weekend as to how far we've come. Growing up I was the quiet traditional girl....the product of 12 years of Catholic school. Heck most of our extended family doesn't even know Brynn was conceived via IVF. My aunt is a nun and my uncle a brother (in the religious sense of course!), and another a Catholic deacon. We pushed the buttons by doing IVF, and now we're doing surrogacy....it's a far cry from my traditional upbringing. But I have to say that I fully believe in my heart that when two people want to bring a life into this world to share together and it's done with love. It can't be wrong. It just can't. No matter who the people or how it's done. If it's done with love and with the best intentions...I think we must have tolerance. There is no cut and dry or black and white. There is a lot of grey I'm discovering.

On a much lighter note, I have to smile because I've had so many dreams lately about us having twins with my friend M. My friend keeps saying...it'd be great for me to have twins for you guys because then it's like 2 for 1, LOL! Despite how amazing that would be, I hope we just have one. I would feel terrible if my friend was laid up on bedrest or something with twins. But it's funny to think about things....especially since my husband and I have been having so many dreams about having twins with my friend.

I have had a few people ask whether I would feel badly about my friend having strong feelings towards our child if she were to carry him or her. This is my feeling. If my best friend has strong feelings towards our little one that she so genorously carries for nine months and so do we, then our child is blessed. If our child has two people that care for her with the love that a mother has....then our child is one of the luckiest babies alive. No, I don't think our friend will do something crazy like want to keep our child. If anything, our friend will have strong feelings towards him or her. If that is the worst of it, we are blessed. A child would be lucky to have my friend in their life. Our child that will be carried by my friend will always know that my friend is more than just an aunt or a god mother to him or her. My friend will be their second mother...and for that they are blessed. My friend is a a beautiful person and so is her husband. We are lucky to have them in our life. I believe that they have been sent to us for a reason...they are part of our family and always will be. To some this may sound crazy....but to those of you okay with our journey I appreciate your continued comments of approval. Because to be honest I'm scared as heck and just going day by day with this all. I can use any words of wisdom or support because there's only a handful of people in real life who know what we're doing and that's hard. Hard because I feel like I'm hiding things, and hard because I'm scared deep down inside if I open enough to say it.

My only concern is how to say thank you to her for giving us a a chance at life...a chance for Brynn to have a sibling. I'm left speechless....I just wish I knew how.

September is a lovely time of year

Neela still loves her human sibling Brynn...forever best buds. From the moments she used to bring my stomach dog toys while I was pregnant and on bedrest to the months afterwards...she is such a good doggie.


So yesterday I was talking to my friend and I said...so when do you think we should plan on moving forward with things. Hmmm she replied, "In the past, I think we've talked about September." "Yes, " I replied..."September would be a good time of year." That's in 6 short months. Gulp. We have a lot to do. I've never been more scared...but to be honest I've never been more excited. I can't think of a more wonderful person to be doing this with. My husband and I are so blessed. I just can't believe this is happening. And you want to know something else cool? I told my mom that we're doing this for sure...and she couldn't stop smiling. It seems like everyone is on board, I just can't believe it. In time I can tell the story of how this all came to be, if people are interested. As I said...sometimes it takes me awhile to talk about touchy subjects. Heck it took me 4 months to talk about Brynn's birth. I guess I go forward with my guard up. I'm not sure why.

But regardless...there's one thing I can't get over. Where do such amazing people come from? How or why have I been so blessed to stumble upon such a beautiful person such as my friend? Even more so, how is it that her husband happens to be not only okay with this all, but he also happens to be my husband's best friend as well. Sometimes the stars a line, the light shines brightly...and the world is a very good place indeed. How have we been so fortunate?

Vasa previa a subject that hit close to home for us Updated with link

Although Brynn is almost four and a half months old and I have yet to get off my lazy butt and write our birth story, I have gotten off my lazy butt enough to write about a subject that has hit close to home for us. Even though I am a nurse anesthetist and have worked in the medical field in some capacity for over a decade now, I wasn't really all that familiar with the phrase "vasa previa" until the delivery and birth of our daughter Brynn. I feel I must look at this subject before I can move forward. Until I face where we have been, I can't begin to move forward with our journey towards adding to our family.

I won't go into too much detail because this would be too long of a post, but on November 7th, 2008 my labor was induced a month and a half early due to a reverse peristalsis that was starting to harm the life of both myself and my unborn daughter. I had lost 25 pounds or so and Brynn was falling farther and farther behind on her growth. An amniocentesis had shown her lungs to be mature so we received the green light go for an induction for a vaginal delivery. Our daughter was conceived via IVF and although I had a complete previa most of my pregnancy - it had now moved. Due to the risk of requiring a classical versus lower transverse incision if a c section was done (necessitating a c section and risk of uterine rupture with future pregnancies) due to my unicornuate uterus - an attempt at a vaginal birth seemed prudent. (Lower uterine segments are often underdeveloped in people with this uterine abnormality, especially when the baby is being delivered prematurely, so a classical c section is more likely than the normal population to be necessary.)

After a standard induction with pitocin, my OB had decided to break my water to get things moving. He had the hook in one hand, and checked my cervix for dilation with the other. Before he could break my water with the hook, my water broke on it's own. This very occurance saved my daughter's life. At the time we were clueless as to what was going to happen. Ignorance was truly bliss. If he had broken my water with the hook (something that is usually completely safe to do), my daughter would likely have died. Soon later, after my epidural was bolused by my coworker, I began to experience sudden relief, but Brynn's heart tones took a dive and stayed low for a few minutes. Before my labor and delivery nurse could tell me what to do, I flipped on my left side and looked for my simple mask that would quickly be thrown on my face to try to remedy the situation. After inserting hundreds of epidurals myself and seeing this happen sometimes, I knew the drill. These two manueuvers helped and Brynn's heart tones recovered. In a matter of minutes I felt the need to have a large bowel movement and I knew I was fully dilated in minutes. My OB rushed in and Brynn's delivery was done in a matter of minutes, three or four pushes and she was out. We were all thankful because during the brief time I was pushing Brynn's heart rate dropped to dangerously low levels. So much that I had a few more pushes and then we would be wisked off for an emergency C-section. All heart rates drop somewhat during deliveries, but Brynn's was very low - something was wrong.

Brynn was being examined by the NICU team and crying vigorously - her Apgar scores were wonderful and she was doing great. She would be examined and monitored by the NICU team, but she was fine..healthy...perfect. No major problems...breathing room air and having scores of 9. Next my OB delivered the placenta...I heard "Oh wow" come from beneath my legs. The room was silent. This is what we saw. Sorry for the graphic photos.


My heart sank, I wondered what was wrong...what was going on down beneath my legs..what on earth was happening. My OB whispered..."you have a vasa previa, I haven't seen one since 1995." Brynn's heart rate had dropped after the epidural bolus and during pushing because of this vasa previa. This placenta was almost bigger than my four pound daughter. Her descent down the birth canal had caused the vessels of her placenta, her major lifeline to my oxygen and nutrient supply to leak, depriving her of oxygen. She was slowly beginning to bleed to death. If she had not been delivered in minutes she would likely have died. Also, scary as that seemed....to compound the fact.....I could have began to bleed to death as well. But somehow...by some miracle and absolute grace of God, and skilled work of my OB and peri...we were both fine.

Looking over at Brynn screaming and crying with vigor under the care of the neonatologist, protesting their exam, basically being as healthy as a newborn could be I was silent. I wanted to laugh with joy, I wanted to vomit with fear, I wanted to cry...oh gosh I was shaking. How could this be, how could we be so unlucky again. I pulled the unicornuate uterus odds (1 in 6000) and now this? But quickly I realized I was blessed....how could we be this LUCKY? Things were fine...how could this be? The placenta was wisked off to pathology, with the results coming back a few days later. "Fetal demise". The pathologist said that due to the condition of this placenta, the vessels and the leakage of blood and fluid the results were fetal death. But no...Brynn was fine. Alive and in my arms when I heard the news. I cried. She was my miracle. I held her so close that I was afraid I was smoothering her. I didn't want to let go, even for a second. I had come so close to losing my miracle I had waited 3 years for. Dear God..how could this have happened, or rather... not happened?

Most people may not know what a vasa previa is. Heck most of my coworkers were unaware of what a vasa previa is. Vasa previa is a rare (1:5000), devastating condition in which the fetal blood vessels, unsupported by either the umbilical cord or placental tissue, cross the fetal membranes (bag of water) across the bottom of the uterus between the baby and the cervical opening. The condition has a very high fetal mortality rate (80-100%) due to fetal exsanguination (bleeding) resulting from fetal vessels tearing when the amniotic membranes rupture (your water breaks) or because the vessels become pinched off as they are compressed between the baby and the walls of the birth canal. Basically, the vessels that should be inside the placenta are exposed - kind of like exposed electrical wire. They loop down near the vaginal opening or opening of the cervix. When it is time for the baby to come out the baby has no choice but to break through these vessels leading to their rupture and bleeding. Within minutes both baby and mom can bleed and die. Also, when the water is broken with the hook used by most OBs, the hook is almost certain to rupture these vessels because they stand in the way of breaking the amniotic sac or "the mother's water." That is why had my OB broken my water instead of me spontaneously breaking my water on my own, Brynn would have likely died.

I'm excited to say that I'm becoming involved in the International Vasa Previa Foundation. I have since learned that when screened for, vasa previa is almost 100% detectable and when measures are taken....poor outcomes can be prevented. The problem being is that in this country screening is not routine, covered by insurance often, or even addressed because it is such a rare condition. But the really sad thing is that women who have undergone IVF are some of the people most at risk for whatever reason. So I will continue to talk about whatever happened to us to whoever will listen. I'll talk because it's a situation that can be treated, it's a situation that some of us in the infertility community are at risk for, and it's a situation that need not claim the life of any other babies. Somehow, by some miracle we were spared...but many are not and dear God it's my goal to make sure no mother needs to go through that. So ifyou're not too bored, I'd like to continue to talk about this subject on my blog here...risk factors, what it is and what can be done. I want to and need to talk about it. For Brynn's sake I need to...it's the least she deserves. So thank you for listening....you're the best. Because Brynn every breath you have taken, every smile you have given me is a gift....a gift we might not have had and are certainly not one I will ever take for granted.

If you or anyone else has been touched by this condition I would love to hear your story if you're willing to share. Geohyde (J) thanks for sharing the link to this story. I have seen it but will include it to share for others. More stories are here. My heart aches for those who have not have the same outcome...especially since it is totally preventable.

Brynn moving on up!

Just a quickie post...(ahh quickies...wait...get your minds out of the gutter people, LOL!) Brynn officially won't fit in any of her newborn sized clothes anymore and has used her last newborn sized Pampers Swaddler Sensitive diaper. She is officially a graduate to sized 0 - 3month clothes and size one diapers. Better late than never is what I say, we're so proud of you Brynn! Now if only I could get you to stop spitting up so much on me all day that I can smell of something other than curdled breast milk. But I'll gladly wear my long sleeved t shirts from Land's End that are sopping wet anyday if it means you're growing and thriving...both of which you are. You even try to hold your own bottle often these days...You've come so far....We love you sweetie!

Update and desperate cry...Brynn can't poop.......please help...any suggestions?

Official poop report...Brynn finally let go with a big bang at 8PM, thanks for all of your help!

My FSH ....jokes on me

Well, last night I wrote a post about my FSH and blogger ate it AGAIN. Last month I wrote a post about my FSH and blogger ate that one as well. I'm starting to get a complex when it comes to writing about it, LOL! Well, long story short...I was only writing to say that I was going to have my level drawn this week on day three of my cycle. If you've been following along with us on our journey, you know that it was elevated last time I had it drawn. Part of our future journey depends on levels such as this, helping guide us as to what our options are. For those of you not familiar with them...an elevated FSH can mean a few thing such as premature ovarian failure, or else how well a patient is likely to respond to fertility medications. When we did our IVF cycle that allowed us to concieve our daughter Brynn last year, my FSH was not that high. However, since then it has continued to climb. As I said last night...I feel guilty for saying this while there are so many people currently trying for their first...but I would love to be able to give our daughter a sibling someday. Depending on what my levels are....that "someday" either needs to be soon ....or not as soon if we have more time. That is one of the reasons I am curious to what they are since they have been elevated in the past.

Thank you so much for the understanding comments about my coworker/ classmate passing that I mentioned in my last post. Thanks for allowing me to vent as well...it is so helpful and therapeutic.

This past weekend was a nice one. We got caught up on some TV on our DVR like ER, Friday Night Lights, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, How I Met Your Mother, and my nerdy engineer husband's favorite...Big Bang Theory (I'm a nerd too...that's what I love about him!) Yesterday was cool, but warm enough for a walk so we took Brynn and our doggie Neela out around the neighborhood. There's nothing like some fresh air to help lift your mood after a long dreary Michigan winter. Next weekend our favorite local ice cream place named Clark's opens for summer and I'm already drooling over the thought of my favorite key lime pie ice cream! You might remember, but it was one of my favorites last summer as well :-) It makes me think of warm summer nights, the return of Big Brother to TV...and yes Candi...more eye candy (aka Memphis) for us!

We recently started looking at quick and close getaways for the upcoming months to go away for a few nights. I think that in the next couple of months we might go to Chicago for a few nights. Some shopping and some nice dinners out might be just what the doctor ordered. It's been quite awhile since we've been away...and there are several nice condo/lofts downtown with private parking, indoor pools and a kitchen that would be very Brynn- friendly for traveling. I can take all of my pumping supplies and baby stuff and not be crunched for packing room since we could drive there. It seems like a good first place to try to travel with Brynn. Maybe there will be a fabulous new pair of shoes to come as well? Heels or wedges...or maybe slides....oh my!

Sorry this post is so jumbled...but back on the subject of our journey towards adding to our family, we have come to some major decisions over the last couple of weeks. My husband and I have spent much time talking, and consulting with various doctors. Basically, depending on my FSH is how quickly we will proceed with things. When we did our IVF cycle, I responded with a measly five follicles, but all five fertilized and made it to either transfer or freezing, so no complaints there. We were very blessed. We have three frozen embryos left from that cycle - once again...a major blessing. We would obviously use those first before doing anything else. However...without going into too much detail...I think our future involves our friend M. She is my best friend from nursing school and has been my lifeline from the start of our infertility journey to the birth of our daughter Brynn. She also is Brynn's godmother. Having our friend M is basically as lucky and fortunate as a girl can get. She is amazing...caring...selfless...and such a beautiful person. I know that everyone has different opinions on how to add to one's family...but if you could just add support and not critism I would appreciate it. There are so many ways to develop your family nowadays...and we have made a choice for ours. It is a choice that was at the recommendation of several very reputable doctors, as well as one that my husband and I feel comfortable with. So please...just be understanding. This has not been an easy decision for us. I can't believe I'm actually typing this...it's both exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

In time I will add more detail....but until then...... thank you for sharing our journey. Without the kind words and support I don't think I would have the courage to move forward as we have.

I also have kind of gotten away from thanking someone each post who have been with us along the way. This time I want to thank Becca, another UU (unicornuate uterus) girl. She recently gave birth to her beautiful son Grant ar0und the same time that we had Brynn. Before we got pregnant Becca and I talked on the phone a few times and shared some of our ups and downs. She understood the heartache and devastation from having the UU diagnosis. Both of us were given a slim chance of ever conceiving or carrying our children to a successful birth...both of which we did despite the odds. Basically, from the beginning...we both proved the doctors wrong. We both viewed our little ones as miracles....because according to the REs...they were. Her love for Grant is so beautiful and it inspires me to be an even better mom to Brynn. So Becca, thanks for being with us from beginning to end. From when Brynn was just a dream to the point when I held her in my arms...and from the start of each of our miracles from beginning to end...it's been a pleasure. You're the best!

So saddened to hear of another gas passer losing the battle UPDATED

I'm not sure how to even begin to write this..I am so sad, frustrated, and angry all at the same time. I have just learned that one of my classmates from anesthesia school has passed away. This person died from a drug overdose, a drug that we give to patients daily in the operating room as a part of many anesthetics. My classmate had been secretly addicted to the drug propofol otherwise known as diprivan. They leave behind a family including children. A life that was so promising is now wasted. Their spouse is left with hundreds of thousands of school debt, raising children as a single parent and worst of all...my classmate's children are left having lost a parent. I am sad because I know that they were a good person deep down. I'm frustrated that no one caught the warning signs that were there. Frustrated that this is the second person in two years from our program whom I have learned abused this very drug. Most of all I'm angry. I'm angry because my classmate put patients at risk, patients who could have been my family members, myself, or worst of all...my daughter Brynn someday.

I'm also angry because as an anesthesia community we know of the high rate of substance abuse in our community among practitioners. Anesthetists have one of the highest rates of substance abuse over most other areas of medicine. I'm angry because study after study have found that over 10% of anesthetists are addicted to some form of substance abuse whether it be drugs or alcohol, and those CRNAs could practice impaired. And I'm angry because we as a profession haven't been able to change this yet. Because we haven't learned how to change this staggering and horrifying fact yet...another gas passer has lost their battle with substance abuse. And this time it was someone I knew...AGAIN. We have to change something....we just have to. It's a shame that some have cast such a darkness on a profession that is comprised of so many good people. But also for those who have cast this shadow, I'm sad for those that they leave behind.

I just wanted to update and say that I have my FSH level to be drawn this week to see where we stand with things going forward. Please cross your fingers and wish me luck!

A new sort of St Patrick's Day

Two years ago my husband and I spent bringing in St Patrick's day at our favorite local bar with a rowdy crowd at 8:00AM with jello shots. Last year we brought in St. Patrick's day at our IVF lab and were given this glorious picture. Never had I seen anything more precious. I didn't know it was possible to love something so small as 8 amazing little cells.

I didn't think I would ever see anything more amazing than those two precious embryos that would be placed inside for our transfer. That is, until I saw this scene. By far this has certainly been the best St Patty's Day so far. Last year we had the "Luck of the Irish" on our side and it keeps going strong!

Oh geez...Brynn and I are getting around

I had to chuckle (did I just use the word chuckle??) because my good friend Pauline who is a free lance writer mentioned Brynn in one of her latest assignments. Brynn for your sake I hope to learn to do what she's talking about before you start talking yourself!

Bath time and four months old

I can't believe Brynn turned 4 months this past weekend. Thank you so much for letting me rant and complain about going back to work in my last post. Not trying to be a downer...just having a little bit harder time than I thought getting adjusted back. I really despise being away from her, but I'm trying not to complain because I know I have a very good situation with my mom watching her and only having to work part time. I feel like I sound unappreciative and I don't want that to be the case at all. I've just always tried to be open and honest about my feelings...so thanks for letting me lay it down on the line! This was Brynn after she had her first bigger girl bath the other day.

It's amazing how much she's changed since this other photo just taken eight weeks ago shown below.


Here's Brynn during the bath looking at me like, I'm not too sure of this mom. I do like the bathtub that my sister suggested because of the turquoise sling. It allows Brynn to sit in it and not slide down into the water. It also has a little side caddy area that you can fill with either clean water or keep another washcloth in or what ever. It also fits in either a double sink (like we have) or a single one.
So this morning I woke up after Brynn slept in until 8:30...yes 8:30! Then I was going to pump quickly and get her ready for her appointment at 10:00. After running a little late I decided to try to actually just breast feed her, which is something we're doing more and more of. Kind of crazy. She's the kid who wouldn't breast feed for 3 months and then when I decided to go back to work, Brynn decided that it was kind of a cool thing to do. Go figure. I didn't know that kids did that. But I'm not complaining. It just has me kind of left wondering why. The only problem I have is that I'm not sure how much she is getting when I feed her. She seems satisfied, but also seems to like to just suck afterwards. I know that this is normally a problem people have with a younger baby, but since Brynn and I are a bit new at this I'm still mucking my way through things. When I just pump and give it to her in a bottle I know what she's getting of course.

So after rushing off to our appointment and leaving Neela our dog gated out of the kitchen so she wouldn't storm the cleaning lady when she came...we were off. Yes, I still haven't let go of our cleaning lady that I truly don't need anymore. I just haven't gotten the nerve up yet in this bad economy. I'm such a wimp! I just really like her and I can't face up to the fact of letting her go. Maybe next week? It was very windy on our walk into the office and we were quickly taken in to an exam room. Brynn had the typical appointment of weighing in, measurements, and being seen by her doctor. When she was being weighed she let a noisy one rip...ah my little future Gas Passer...you make mommy so proud!

Basically she's measuring in the 5th percentile which is A-OK with me. She is 9lbs, 15 oz and 24 inches long. She's doing everything well except holding things in her hand as well as she should be. But to be honest..some days she does it, and some days she doesn't and I'm not going to obsess over it. Her LFTS don't have to be repeated until the end of the month. She smiles, coos, and is sleeping better. She is growing, and is on the growth chart...the bottom...but at least on it. Basically, she's growing and is happy - so that is good with me. She recently starting actually breastfeeding which she's never done in the past....that is very good with me. She looks at me with love in her eyes and that is like heaven to me. So Brynn....happy 4 months. Normally I would want to thank someone from blogland who has really touched us upon our journey...but today is for you. Brynn....thank you for making my life complete. I love you.

Already dreading tomorrow

So tonight I'm already dreading having to leave Brynn...I'm wondering when this hatred towards a job I know deep down inside I love will end.

Mixed emotions

Brynn decided to try out her new seat the other day and it was met with mixed emotions. At first she clearly did not like it. Next she would smile at me occasionally as I was nearby. Then after several flashes of my camera trying to capture the moment she put her hand up to say, "Please people...no more photos...you'll have to consult with my agent!"I would have to say that both Brynn and I had mixed emotions this week. Monday being my first day back at work after being off for 10 months...(some of you had asked how long I was off). Yup, it'd had been 10 almost 11 months. Almost 7 months of bedrest during my pregnancy with Brynn and then 3 and a half months after she was born. Basically...in the anesthesia world....A LONG TIME. I am so happy to be back at work doing something I love, but all at the same time I hate being back at work. I know that makes absolutely no sense at all. I love having adult conversations and doing something that I went to school for for 7 years. But in the morning I hated getting up at 4AM to pack up my little girl for the day at my parent's house. I hated knowing I was leaving her to go to work when my husband and I have been accustomed to living on just his salary for almost a year. I hated leaving her knowing I was only going to work because I had been off for so long I felt I needed to return so that I didn't lose my anesthesia skills. Basically we're blessed and I hate saying this outloud...but I hate going back to work and leaving her because I don't absolutely have to leave her and go back. It makes me feel selfish. We've altered our lifestyle over the last year because we had to with me being on bedrest for her pregnancy and doing our IVF cycle. Now that we're used to that...I don't absolutely have to work although it makes meeting ends much easier. So every reason I'm returning is because I feel that I need to so I don't get so out of the loop in a techincal field that I feel I can't return when I want to. Basically as I said...it's to make myself feel better that I haven't lost my skills neccessary to do my job. Ugh.

That being said, I'm going to stick with things for now the way we have them planned. This is the eight hour day and the twelve hour day. On our next schedule coming up I have some afternoon, midnight and weekend scheduled so that'll mix things up a bit - hopefully for the good. Last Thursday went a bit smoother at work and I was in a basic OR room again doing hodgepodge stuff like gallbladders, D & C's in the morning and an endoscopic sinus surgery in the afternoon. Thank heavens my managers said she's not going to have me rotate down to the open heart room for a couple of months because they're still getting some of the new grad CRNAs through orientation in there. That makes me feel a ton better about getting back into things slowly. We even had a lady with a terrible airway (Mallampati IV) who was having a laparoscopic tubal ligation and I didn't miss my intubation!

Enough boring work talk...this weekend Brynn turned four months and I can't believe it! I take her to her four month appointment on Wednesday so I figure I'll make that her "Brynn is four months old" post. But she has truly come so far. She's trying to discover her toes this past week and I'm looking forward to the day when she's able to grab them with her pudgy little hands. I've always thought babies were so cute when they did that. Brynn is sleeping so much better at night as well. We still have our night time nanny come the nights before I have to work, but we almost don't really even need anyone now because she's been sleeping so well. That being said, I'm sure I've cursed things, LOL! Brynn also is wanting to eat more and more volume wise so I'm sure these are all good signs of her continued growth. She smiles more each day and is making a wider variety of little baby grunts, coos, and high pitched noices when you talk to her. She follows your face constantly and studies all of your expressions. When I'm either getting ready to breastfeed her or have her bottle in my hand she begins squirming and kicking her legs like, "Yes! It's feeding time at the zoo....bring on the chow, mom!" I love that.

I need to start looking at high chairs for the months down the road. Gulp, I can't believe I'm even thinking about that already. I bought some ice cube trays at Target this weekend for when I start to make some baby food for Brynn. I'm just a planner and like to think ahead. Each day I'm trying to soak in as much "Brynn time" as I can because I'm starting to realize just how quickly they change. I forgot to mention that we took Brynn to the mall for the first time a week ago in her stroller. She absolutely loved being in the stroller and shopping...ahh...maybe she'll be just like her mom someday! Well, I don't enjoy being in the stroller...but I do love some serious shopping of course :-)

Before I end this rambling post...I just wanted to thank Candi at IVFing life who has been with us for most of our journey. She makes me laugh with her silly jokes and yet she makes me want to cry with how proud of her I am. She has overcome so much to be a mom and what a great mom she is. She's never thinking of herself, she's always taking the time to send a kind word someone else's way. She is a fighter, doesn't take no for an answer and would do anything under the sun for her adorable son Carter. She went through heck and a crazy labor to get him here safely, and yet never complains. He's thriving and doing great...and it's all because of her hard work and love for him. So Candi thank you for being a good example and being a girl who can always make me laugh! (Did I say she never has a bad hairday either in any of her photos? It's always perfect :-)

First day back at work

Brynn and Neela are still best buds when it comes to tummy time or sleeping or just hanging out. I just hope it continues!


Yesterday was my first day back at work and I'm glad to have it under my belt. Sunday I spent the whole day cooking dinners for the week and packing a lunch and food for my breaks as if I was going to be gone for days on end. I guess I was a little over preparing. Then around 9PM I set the DVR to tape the 2 hour special of Brothers and Sisters and headed off to bed to try to catch some sleep. Around 11PM that night my friend's little sister came over to watch her so that we would have a restful night and not have to deal with her feeding schedule every few hours. She is an absolute life saver...night time nanny to the rescue! Plus Neela just adores her. I think I woke up every few hours from 1 o'clock on, but around 4:50 AM my alarm went off and I sprung out of bed. I got ready for the day and pumped just as I was headed out the door. My friend and Brynn were still fast asleep, but I was a little teary eyed leaving my girl behind. I know it'll just get easier. She's just been my partner in crime for almost 10 months since I've been off work, it was hard to leave her behind.

Once at work around 6:00 or so I found out what room I was in for the day and set my room up for my first case that started around 7. I was kind of in a hodge podge easy room in the outpatient room the first day - although no day is ever predictable in the OR. First case up was a crazy one...we did a tubal ligation on a 21 year old. Yes I just said a 21 year old. And I put my foot in mouth as I approached her all wide eyed and cheery saying, "So how many little ones do you have at home?" as I walked up to her stretcher in preop. She quickly replied, "None." Huh I thought...we're doing a tubal ligation on a 21 year old who has no children....certainly there must be some mistake I thought. But no...it was correct. I guess in order for it to be done she had to undergo psychological testing and a gamment of other tests. But still to say it disturbed me would be an understatement...it still leaves me uneasy. I think of myself at 21 and I'm no where near what I was even 8 years ago....so much has changed. But who am I to judge I suppose.

Even things such as charting and doing basic things took a bit longer than normal...kind of like brushing off the cobwebs I'm sure. Actually my Dansko shoes were a bit dusty when I put them back on so that part was actually true, LOL! Once again...time is of the essence I'm sure. I was able to go to our CRNA "call room" to pump 3 times yesterday on my 12 hour shift. Not too bad, although I'm sure sometimes it may dwindle down to twice a day on my longer days. It's just hard to actually get to the call room, set up everything and be back in 15 minutes, you know? But there is a recliner, a TV, and an outlet near a phone that is a pretty good setup...so other than the lack of time there is no complaints from me. I was able to call my mom a couple of times to see how Brynn was doing throughout the day. She took over at about 11AM from my friend so it's kind of like a joint operation....Brynn style!

The rest of the day I spent in cases where we took out a 33 year old's appendix, we put in an infusaport for a lady with cancer of the throat, and we repaired the elbow fracture of a 21 year old who was in a drunk driving accident. All in all things went okay. There were a few bumps in the road...and I felt a little rusty. But at the end of the day I didn't cause any harm and we all walked away okay, LOL! Just kidding of course. But no on a serious note I was paired up with another CRNA just to have as back up support since I had been off so long...and I needed minimal assistance so that made me feel good.

Going home that night I felt tired, sore, and my legs ached....it'll take me awhile to get back in the swing of things. But I was refreshed all at the same time. I could still do my job after being off for almost a year. Part of the whole pregnancy bedrest has left me feeling like there was nothing to me as a person other than the pregnant chick with a history of fertility issues who had a bumpy pregnancy and recovery. It was good to get back to part of my former "other" self. It was a day that involved some learning curve for everyone I'm sure...from my mom and dad who watched her while I was at work, to my husband who had to take care of her by himself when getting off of his engineering job, to me getting home at 8PM that night from being gone at 5:30AM. I'm glad I only have one long day a week...I missed my little girl too much. Basically I know I'm blessed to have the best of both worlds...working 2 days a week while my mom or friend watches her, working 20 hours a week doing something I love, and being home 5 days with my little bambino. I almost feel guily saying that...but I am one lucky girl. I have been so blessed. Almost as if I don't deserve it.

I don't want to forget to say thank you to someone else who has been such a support to us along the way. Meredith at a Uterus Divided has been like a twin to me. Her and I both have the goofy uterine abnormality, infertility and then pregnancy bedrest. While pregnant with Brynn her and I would text back and forth and email daily, sometimes at 4AM. She was my sounding board...a girl who kept me sane along the way and honestly knew me better than most people who had known me for years. She truly "got me" and got what we were going through because we were going through it together. I know mommyhood and our jobs will keep us busy, but she is one girl whom I truly believe I could not had gotten through the last few months without. She is so caring, unselfish, and the true meaning of the word "giving." Giving to me, others who need it, and giving of herself totally to her son. She is a hard act to follow. She is truly one of the good ones.

UU baby home!

Meghan at Two Shorten the Road got her little UU baby to come home...go wish her congrats!