We had our next IUI...keep finger, toes, and eyes crossed!

Today we had our last IUI before our IVF process scheduled to start next cycle. Originally our RE didn't think we'd even be able to have one this cycle due to my mild OHSS last cycle and ruptured cyst but low and behold we actually had three huge follicles on my left side...my connected UU side! So we did out fourth IUI today, I had a new nurse to do it..and absolutely loved her! She warmed up the speculum all nice and I didn't have any cramping afterwards at all. And to boot...I was off from work today! Our last three cycles I wasn't so lucky :-)

My close friend and assistant manager at work paged then called me while we were having our IUI. While I was laying there for the 20 minutes afterwards, I called her back and we talked. I guess if this cycle actually works...I guess I'll be able to say she was there for the conception of our child..haha...just trying to make light of the situation! As reproductive jeans put....I thought only two people were needed to make a baby. I'm now learning that it's so many more than that!

I've told a few close friends to keep their fingers crossed...I then thought they should keep their toes crossed too...what the heck cross anything you've got. I'll take any of it if it keeps us out of the IVF journey! The only bad thing about this cycle is the date that I'm due to find out if I start or if I'm pregnant. My hubby will be in China for work. It'll be hard to get the news alone. I can call and email, but it's not the same. I'll have to camp out at my sister's or my best friend's if the news is not good. But if it is...then hubby will learn he's going to be a dad a half a world away! Strange I know. Strange because he couldn't be there for the IUI...and won't be there when we find out if we're pregnant. So much for getting pregnant the old fashioned way! Guess you don't have to be together for the process to unfold. All that said...he's been my rock and along side me every step of the way. We've never been closer. Although work for both of us can be a pain..it pays the bills and makes the fertility journey a reality that is possible.

Wrong tall chick...please handle with care

So recently one of my best friends has become pregnant. She is also a CRNA that graduated with me, started work at the same time, and is tall like myself. I'm about 5'11''...She's about 6'0'' former model. I am no where as cute as her...but that is another post. But she only picks up time at our hospital a few times a month because she lives on the other side of the state. So people recently heard that she has become pregnant with her first. We work at a large hospital..about 1000 beds with 30+ operating rooms. So some people that we don't know well...will call each of us by each other's name...whether it be circulating nurses or surgeons. You can see where this is heading!

So people have just begun to hear of her being pregnant. She waited awhile to tell people since she had had a miscarriage. She's about 12 weeks along. So over the course of the last two weeks..about 10 people have come up to congratulate me on our pregnancy. Ouch. Ouch. I politely tell them that they are talking about my friend and not me. They are apologetic and say well...at least you're not trying..are you? What the hell do you say to that to people you don't know that well?

I tell them that my friend is doing well...and would love to know that they were thinking of her. I quickly change the subject and hope for the best. Yesterday one of our neuro surgeons came up...touched my stomach and asked how the baby was doing? What the heck? Actually I had more colorful words in my head...but want to remain tasteful here on the blogs. I politely reminded him that I was not the pregnant one! My boss was present for the belly touching incident. She later pulled me aside...said I'm so sorry..how are you doing? She herself had been through IVF and is a sympathetic ear. I said...just fine..I'm a stronger cookie than that.

On a lighter note...I'm off to a couple's shower tonight for a girl that my husband works with. It should be good because it's less baby shower focused and more party focused. What a relief! They are from India and don't like the whole traditional baby shower stuff. And she is a great cook and it is at their house..so I'm sure my belly will go home happy! I ordered their gift from the internet and had it shipped so that I wouldn't have to subject myself to the baby store experience. Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming over the last few months. Never thought I'd get to that experience...but guess I have. Pathetic I know...but I"m just being honest.

Tomorrow I go in for my LH levels to be drawn..hopefully I'll be ovulating soon on this Femara last ditch cycle and we can do an IUI before moving to IVF next month. But if not..at least I don't feel as crappy as on the clomid. Other than the fact that I ruptured an ovarian cyst this week...life is good. Very good! Take care...guess I have to go outside and brave the snow to get some groceries...we got about 3 more inches today!

Current cycle stuff..boring post I know

Last cycle was pretty crazy and disappointing. My IUI number 3 had to get cancelled due to just having a lot of cysts, but no mature follicles. I started my next period on day 19, way too early. Obviously things are off. I met with my RE. He said to try letrozole this cycle as a last ditch effort since I can't do injectables due to my unicornuate uterus and risk of multiples. I was a twin, and had three of four grandparents as identical twins. So twins are a big possiblility, and throwing injectables into the mix when I'm not okay with selective reduction is not an option.

So I'm currently cycle day 10...am going to have lab work done tomorrow and ultrasound on Sunday..hopefully I'll ovulate on my connected UU side (the left since the right is missing) and we can do an IUI on Monday or Tuesday...keep your fingers and toes crossed. But all and all I don't have much hope for this cycle. I think the IVF starting next month journey will be the way we have to go. I meet with the doc from the maternal fetal medicine group (perinatologist) next wednesday to get an opinion as to how many embryos I should transfer when we do IVF. I've met with one before, but he went to another hospital system..so I am meeting with who is left at their group. Hubby wants to transfer 2...I want to transfer 1. I don't think in my heart that I can do selective reduction if both embryos actually implant. Gosh these are decisions I never thought I would be faced with! It's funny...both hubby and I are Catholic...and IVF shouldn't be an option for us...but we are cafeteria catholics I guess and are okay with fertility treatments because they are done in a loving enviroment...although I'm pretty liberal because I'm open to issues like gay marriage, and stem cell research that the catholic church frowns on.

It's funny, during the 12 years of catholic school I went to...nothing of this was discussed...but maybe it should have been. I've begun to realize there isn't black and white issues like I thought. Everyone needs to do what is right for them whether it involves fertility treatments, egg or sperm donation...surrogacy, adoption, freezing embryos, donation for gay or lesbian couples...whatever. I used to be so closed minded...but gosh how I've changed now that I'm among such a touchy subject. I've begun to realize that people don't realize what they are saying til they've been through some of it. People need just to be supportive and non judgemental...they get that enough from the rest of the world...they don't need it from us.

Anyways...sorry for the boring post...I'm just rambling on issues that most people don't care about. But all my point was is that people are probably aren't as open to many paths until they've been faced with their own demons. I think the best thing we can do for each other is be supportive since those who have not gone through the journey have no idea what we are talking about!

Cooking lessons 101

I've continued on my cooking as relaxation therapy. Two days ago I made a great lemon herb crusted salmon with japenese panko bread crumbs. The panko bread crumbs were so much more flaky and light than normal bread crumbs they were so yummy! I tried roasting instead of broiling and it turned out great! Today I made spinach mushroom ricotta manicotti. Again it turned out so yummy! I even used the lighter ricotta and lighter shredded cheese and parmesan so it would be a little healthier with the whole wheat pasta shells.

Oh yeah...on a different note..I've continued the quieter version of our fertility journey. I've had a couple of people ask me how things were going. I said we were taking a break, even though we're marching towards IVF soon (which I'm excited for). It was so nice, because the conversation quickly changed to topics that I would had discussed with them pre-infertility journey like vacations...TV, movies...gossip...whatever.... It's so nice that people focus on our relationship as coworker, friend, whatever outside of the whole fertility issues...there is so much more to me than this!

This weekend my husband's parents and my husband's cousin and wife are coming in from out of state for dinner Saturday. We're going out to eat to a restaurant that they like, but I have to come up with something for dessert. I usually make a mean cheesecake...but I'm trying to think of something different. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Oh the relief of it all! London we love you!

This weekend I decided on a new approach to our whole fertility journey. Even though I have every intention of pursuing IVF in the next following months...I have decided that the answer I will tell my close coworkers and friends that I am tired of rehashing our fertility journey with that we are taking a break. My closest famiyy, friends, and like two essential coworkers will know that we are moving forward...but for everyone else...they can think we are taking a break from everything. Today I had a somewhat close, but at the same time...not so close coworker ask how everything was going...I said.."okay..we're kind of taking a break now." She quickly said...I hope everything goes well..and she didn't ask anymore questions. It was like music to my ears. I no longer had to rehash my disappointment for the month of our cycle being cancelled. She had no idea. It was uplifting....one of the best feelings ever!

I realize that you need support in the whole IF journey...but sometimes too much input can be exhausting. And unfortunately there are many great things with working in medicine...but coworkers knowing too much of you personal business can be one of them! So for now, I have taken a passive, hush word point of view...with me taking letting people know of our IVF journey on an as to know basis...and it feels good. Really good. I hope everyone is having a good week also.

It looks like we may be starting our IVf in end of Feb, early March. I think we may try to plan a last minute Europe trip for end of April as we will just be finding out if it worked or not. Right now Amsterdam and London combo are tops on the list. Although an apartment in Southern France on the beach for two weeks sounds great too...oh decisions...decisions....these are what are keeping me sane!

Chronicles from the waiting room

Have you ever felt strange while sitting in your RE's waiting room? You're surrounded by other women (sometimes spouses)....waiting for their turn for lab work, ultrasounds, encounters with the dildo cam as "a little sweetness" elegantly put - the transvag ultrasound. So there are numerous other women nearby you who are more similar to you than many of your closest family members and friends. Yet somehow....there is silence, no one is talking. No one is making eye contact. People are trying to keep busy reading random magazine articles they truly care nothing about. I read an article from Time Magazine yesterday that I can't recall a single fact from. Weird...I know.

You don't dare be the one to strike up a conversation. After all...Silence is Golden, isn't it? Yet you sit and wonder. Wonder what each women's story is. You wonder what they're thinking, how they're dealing, is there spouse being supportive, what treatment cycle are they on? What is their story? You know each has a story to tell...because you have a story to tell. Therefore, so must they.

Yesterday, another lady in the waiting room had scrubs on and a OR hat. I wondered...where does she work, is she a CRNA, a nurse in the OR, a physician...but yet I said nothing even though we both sat there in our similar scrubs, colorful OR caps, and tried to avoid one another's secret glances. She had a slight accent...had a darker complexion...perhaps she was from India? But other than that...I will not have any other glimpses into her journey. ...a journey that may mirror mine to a T. Most likely, she is feeling the same feelings that I am, the same constant disappointments and random moments of hopefulness. These are feelings that none of my closest family and friends have experienced...yet I talk to them all the time. But I can not bring myself to talk to her.

I decide a minute before the nurse calls me in for my moment with the dildo cam that I will begin the transition to the dark side. I catch the woman in the OR scrubs glancing at me. ( I have taken off my work badge and my sweatshirt that bears my name...just another attempt at remaining anonymous at a place I work...who am I kidding?). I meet her glance and smile. Wow..did I actually just make eye contact on purpose? Yes I had. Perhaps I felt more comfortable because at least we were wearing similar outfits? Then my offering was returned. She smiled back. In fact it wasn't just a smile...it was a grin of joy. We had connected. No further words were spoken. But at least we had connected. This connection helped me through my appointment with the dildo cam, my meeting with the nurse, and learning that my IUI #4 had to be cancelled.

IUI # 4 missing in action for now

I had my midcycle ultrasound today to see if things looked good for our IUI tomorrow (Friday). If it did then I would do my HCG shot tonight and be all set. But I guess the two ovary girls had other plans for me. You see...the two ovary girls decided that they were not going to respond to clomid this month even though this was the dose that I always respond with good follicles to in the past. Not only did I not have a mature follicle on my left ovary (the ovary that has a fallopian tube)...I didn't have any even near mature follicles period. They weren't even close to being mature if we waited a few more days. So needless to say I was pretty bummed. I meet with my RE in a week for routine check in...so I'll talk about what we should do next. Not sure if we'll try to up the clomid even more, and try again...or just go to IVF like we had previously discussed. To be half way through a cycle and have to stop...it seems like such a waste, but I guess we don't have any other choice. When I read of people's IVF cycles being cancelled...that must be even harder....that would totally be a bummer.

I just got off of work a little while ago. It was my longer 16hr day for the week, and for once I was so glad to be there the whole time. As bummed as I felt when I left the RE's office this morning...we were so busy with a lot of cases that I didn't have any time to focus on feeling bummed. Sometimes work can be a good thing! I also treated myself to some late night fast food on the way home, which is something I rarely ever do. So I think I'm actually in a better mindset then I thought I would be. Well, now I'm excited to meet with the RE next week to see where we go from here. I always like having and knowing the plan!

nurse anesthetist week Jan 20-26

Just wanted to say that I'm proud to be part of such a great group of individuals who make up the profession...and just wanted to let others know what we do...and that we even exist since most people have never heard of us...so pass it along for others to see!

Decided tomorrow I should do a shopping spree!

This was us in Paris at Ile St Louise...we were on our way to dinner...and it was a great night that still makes me smile...so I thought I'd share the picture from our night.


I have been putting it off....but tomorrow I decided that I should treat myself to a shopping spree...not too crazy...just a few things. I'll be careful and not do what I did a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago, I just happen to buy a lot of shoes at Nordstroms in a short amount of time. The one sales lady was always the same one to wait on us...and she one day had to special order in an extra one of my size shoe. She said she would call when it came in..she did...but ever since then she will call when there are sales..and hold my size for me! I wouldn't care...except my husband asked once why Nordstroms was calling us so much. I just smiled and said that I had a very dedicated shoe lady. I promised to cut back on my shoe habit for a few months :-) Which...proud to say I have. I think I officially have a shoe addiction ( I must have about 50 pairs of shoes...but who's counting?). But I guess there are worse ones to be had.

I'm not sure where I should do my shopping tomorrow...but I'm thinking something for the house that I can use for a long time, that way I won't feel guilty about spending the extra money. Maybe Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware...I love those two stores!

On another happy note...the hubby and I have decided that if we are not pregnant in the next few months...first IVF doesn't work for whatever reason...we are going to take another Europe trip in May. Now I just have to decide where I want to go...Tops on my list is either Amsterdam amd London combo...(only because Amsterdam you would not do with kids someday)...southern France on the water...Italy, or Greece. Hubby has to go to Shanghai China next month for a week or two for work business...so he said that Europe sounded good since it is easier to travel in than Asia often for Americans. He's been to Japan for work, and he thinks Europe is a lot easier to navigate! Anyways...if anyone has been anywhere good for vacation...let me know. It gives me something to look forward to other than the infertility ride I can't wait to get off of!

Good books to read and review

Recently as part of my resolution to read more books...I find that I have begun reading books about infertility (big suprise, eh?). My original intention was just to check out the women's health section at Barnes and Nobles on my way home from work...but once I got there I found a whole section on infertility. I bought two books that caught my eye and have pretty much finished both. I thought that maybe I would ask all the bloggers out there if they have a favorite helpful book on infertility. So if you have any books that you would recommend to other gals on the infertility rollar coaster...please oh please leave a comment and share!

If you want to read a great comprehensive book review check out blessedarethebarren's review of the Infertility Companion. It was one of the two books I bought and read. I would give a review...but her's is more in depth and thoughtful than I could ever write. So check it out if you get a chance. The Infertility Companion is a pretty good read...I agree with a lot of it, don't agree with some of it (I guess I'm a cafeteria Catholic..picking and choosing some thoughts). But the bottom line is that it is one of the more thought provoking books out there.

Right now I'm excited because tomorrow is one of my days off for the week...and I can't wait to sleep in! Today at work was crazy..but I won't bore you all with the details. But let me just say..home sweet home...not a place I'd rather be, especially since my puppy is curled up on my lap snoring away! Aahhh...life's simple pleasures!

Done forever with clomid...or at least for now

Yesterday night I officially finished my last clomid for our IUI # 3. Since this will be our last IUI I'm excited to say that this may be my last clomid ever...Horray for me! Even though I know that injectables (for our IVF possibly) are not a pleasant thing...I'm ready to be done with a med that has done nothing to help me get pregnant (the 8 or more cycles I have taken it in varying doseages over the last two years). Instead it has just given me hot flashes, and a crazy amount of nausea and vomiting that is a rare side effect but one that I seemed to be blessed with.

So for now I'm happy...even though our third IUI isn't til this Friday..I'm glowing with happiness knowing that I no longer have to take clomid!

IUI #4 Is infertility contagious?

I find myself in a new mindset approaching our fourth and final IUI this upcoming week. On one hand I'm excited for another try at things. On the other, Im not too optomistic that this will work since the first two didn't even though we "responded well" to the meds. But above all...I think I'm finally accepting that we may be one of those couples who have to rely on IVF to conceive..one of those couples I never thought I'd be.

Since I work at the hospital that my RE practices out of...I have the luxury of running to their office on my breaks for my lab work and ultrasounds. Convenient I know..but at the same time, my boss, our lead CRNA knows a little more of our fertility journey than most bosses would know. I start work early at 6 AM so even though my RE opens at 6:30...tests always fall within work hours with the promise of "I'll be back in 15 or 30 minutes." Also, I guess I'm lucky enough to pick my CRNA and doctor to do my anesthesia (one of my best friends) for egg retrieval. On the other hand, my coworkers get to see me exposed, vulnerable, and the whole process firsthand.

At work...we have 40 nurse anesthetists...CRNAs. Currently 4 are pregnant, and six others have been pregnant in the last year. It's a babyfest. My close coworkers..most of who are among the pregnancy parade (because those are the girls I went to school with or are my age) know of my journey through infertility. Three more that I know of are trying to become pregnant. It always is interesting when one of them asks me cautiously how everything is going..or how I'm doing...feeling, etc. They stand there with a look of sympathy but also fear as well. The ones trying to get pregnant almost look like they are afraid that they will catch the infertility curse....as if infertility is contagious. I want to say..look...first of all I'm sure most of you were born with a full uterus, not a half like me..so you are so far ahead of the game you don't even realize it! Second...most people don't have problems conceiving...just because I am doesn't mean that you will! Nor do I expect or want you to have trouble conceiving!

Well I guess I'm off to bed because I have to work this Saturday. Pray that no one falls and breaks a hip, decides to mangle their hands in snow blowers or table saws, or that any little kids stick jewelry beads in their ears for whatever reasons us as adults will never understand. That is what occured among my last weekend on in the OR at work. But until later...have a great night everyone!

Hmmm.....did I just say embryo donation?

Hi everyone,

We're doing our last IUI cycle this month #4 and if it doesn't work are moving to IVF. I have mixed feelings about IVF...but don't want to get into them. I am excited to try IVF, think it's a great option, and hope that this works for us!

My question for all of you is that for those of you who have done IVF, and are at the end of your journey not wanting to use any left over frozen embryos for whatever reason, or have as many children as you would ever want...has any of you donated left over embryos for other infertile couples? If not..what did you do with them? I support everyone's individual decisions...I was just wondering if I got to the point where I actually had left over embryos after having our family what to do with them...and this option looked appealing.

Has anyone had either a positive or negative experience with embryo donation? Hmm...I can't believe that I just said the phrase embryo donation. It sounds like a weird phrase mentioned in either a medical journal or some crazy ethics book I always find too boring to read. It's amazing what words become part of my vocabulary during this inferitility journey. Thanks again...and as I said there are so many things to do with left over embryos and I support everyones decision to make their own choice... I just wondered what everyone's experince has been. Hope everyone is having a great new year...and that the first week back to work hasn't been too bad!