Yesterday I finally realized what I had been feeling over the last few days. I told my husband last night that I think we've been robbed. Not robbed like the stickup 'em up give me your wallet or I'll shoot kind of robbed, but a different type. Ever since we've been able to do our retrieval and transfer after much threat of cancellation, I've been feeling reluctant to be overjoyed with the anticipation that we may actually be pregnant for the first time in our lives. Most couples when trying to get pregnant get to rejoice and oohh and aahh over every little twinge in the couple of weeks while they wait to see if they're pregnant that month or not. Most couples enjoy strange changes like heightened sense of smell, food intolerances, sore boobs and cramps even if they don't get pregnant that month. They're still excited over what "might be." But not me. That used to be me, but not anymore.
Even when two completely fertilized beautiful eight cell embryos have been physically put in the exact spot where they should start to implant and develop further, I'm still cautious and holding back any excitement. As I told my husband, I feel like I'm missing out of some part of the process that I should be getting more joy out of. But I think I'm doing it as a self protection mechanism. If I don't get as excited, then maybe I'll be less hurt if I find out that this didn't work.
We had my husband's parents over for Easter yesterday since I was still technically on my three day bed rest post transfer and couldn't travel out of town. Not that I did any of the work, but it was nice to have some company as a distraction. When they left I commented to my husband about the strange changes that had occurred over the last day or so...the ever increasing size in my boobs...sorry I know that's a bit too much info for most..and stranger yet my increase in sensitivity to smells. My husband ate something in the kitchen in the evening and I asked him were you just eating chips because I can totally smell them. He said how the heck did you know that I just had only one bite of a chip a half hour ago? Once again...changes that most people would be thrilled to experience, yet I could just sit there and deny that anything was different at all. And perhaps the biggest change of all was the intense cramping I felt yesterday late in the evening which was around the time my office said implantation was possible, that has disappeared again this morning.
Yet in my mind, nothing is different. I can rationalize almost everything. My boobs are sore due to the progesterone, I could smell chips since they're one of my favorite foods, and I had cramping because maybe I had moved around too much yesterday. I think I've been used to things not working for so long...30+ cycles of negatives that I think it'll take something big for me to allow myself to enjoy the possibility that one of those beautiful eight cell embryos that we transferred last week could possibly be growing into something more. From the moment I saw the picture of the two embryos, I've been hooked on them...and despite my hesitant feelings I know I'll never feel the same.
20 comments:
It is all a cycle - be easy with your self and let yourself feel these things.
Eat lots of chips and do manythings that allow you to be you. I am glad that your copmany was a good distraction. Prayers and hugs - Farah
That makes so much sense. You have every reason to be cautious with your own emotions, and I get that you're saying at this point you don't even feel like you have a choice. At the same time, you are protecting yourself from suffering more if things don't work out. It's a survival of the fittest thing, I think. Not the most fun way to do it, but probably necessary, on some level.
I was talking to my husband about reading all these blogs and how I've realized, even at my early stage, that when you've dealt with infertility, you don't stop worrying once you get pregnant. You worry every step of the way, holding your breath until that next ultrasound, screening, etc. And he said, "You know what? That's true even if you haven't dealt with infertility. I talk to people at work who have, or whose wives have gotten pregnant totally naturally, and they worry constantly." I'm not sure their worry is exactly the same *kind* of worry we have, but it's true--they worry just like we will all be worrying about our kids from the moment the very idea of them enters our minds. So in that sense, I think those of us who worry would worry no matter what.
I hope so much this works out for you. Please keep us posted. Oh, and thanks for stopping by my blog, and please keep visiting!
I'll be catching up on your blog...thanks for visiting mine!!
That totally makes sense. I will be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed.
I can totally relate to these feelings you are having. I felt the same way in my 2ww. Even now I am very cautious about acknowledging my pregnancy. I think I am going to need a couple more ultrasounds to give me more proof of a heartbeat that doesn't stop.
I can totally understand how you feel. I was saying to the hubby the other day that we were robbed of this as well. We will never have the "surprise!, we're pregnant" thing. Here's hoping that your "non-symptoms" are actually symptoms and that those ebies are making a nice home in you for the next 9 months! Happy Easter!
Thanks for the comment and for visiting my blog.
You're right we are robbed of the constant joy of being pregnant. My miscarriages are linked to family get-togethers and today was a tough one. Sometimes it's hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay, but I try to relish in all the uncomfortable symptoms.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Yes, IF robs us of many normal joys. And the residual IF and the UU will continue that trend once you are pg. It really isn't fair.
I refuse to believe that anything actually means anything. Hope's a bitch who will bite you in the ass, so I can't let her in.
How much longer til your beta? Will you POAS first?
Fingers and toes crossed here ...
So true. You loose all of that with the diagnosis. We've all been told the story of the glowing pregnancy, the "got pregnant on the first try."
Thinking about you in the wait. Good luck!
Here's to hoping that these are all good signs!!
I'm hoping all your signs mean good things! I know what you mean about feeling robbed. I feel so thankful that reproductive technology has progressed to where it is to give us options, but at the same time, I didn't want to have to take advantage of them. Add in the UU and it's just too much sometimes.
I've got everything crossed for you!
Good luck! Thanks for the comments & encouragement on my blog. Let's hear it for the bigger boobs -- a nice "perk" of IVF. ; )
I hope you can find a little peace soon, and hopefully, you will have news to be really excited about soon! I hope so!
I understand your "robbed" feeling. I am hoping and praying for you during your long wait until your beta. Hang in there.
Good luck to you!
We are all so robbed aren't we?
I think about it a lot, but know that God has some reason for my particular journey and I just have to pray for the best ending. I am doing the same for you, Sara!
I know *exactly* how you feel. IF really takes the joy out of the whole process after awhile. ((big hugs)) I sure hope this is "it" for you!!
oh sara.
You are an amazingly strong woman and I am in awe and feel honored to be your friend.
Seriously, i am at a loss for words after reading this post and can't say how much I am hoping and praying that you and your hubby are blessed with what you both wish and work for with every ounce of your beings.
As others have said, fingers and toes are crossed.
and breath baited as I wait to hear the news. Hugs.
My first few cycles that I did at home I thought everything was a sign I was pregnant. Then the one cycle I had a chemical pregnancy right around the end I started getting sore boobs and nausea. Now I compare everything to that cycle. My IVF cycle for the most part didn't come close.
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