The furry sibling and the here and now.

Neela and Brynn are never far apart. Whether doing something that they shouldn't be doing like pulling on the vertical blinds or just trying to scale the porch.



On most nice evenings Brynn grabs her Dora ball and strolls along side Neela as we walk.






Thank you so much for your kind words. They have given me some bright spots which has been an otherwise difficult week for us. I don't think I realized at first how excited we were about the thought of being pregnant. We had never really thought about it as an option or as a "next step" for us at this point in adding to our family. So we were blindsided when it happened - but then we were filled with a joy so big, I didn't know how my heart was going to contain it all. I feel so guilty over the moments that I experienced fear and anxiety over how we were going to make a pregnancy in MY uterus work, since we had planned on using someone else's uterus to carry our next child. What a waste of emotion that fear and anxiety was since it was moments I missed out on experiencing the complete and utter joy I was feeling at every other second. If anything I think I'm realizing that fear is utterly useless - it just robs you of time you could be spending and devoting towards enjoying the here and now. The here and now of those few weeks we were pregnant with our twins.

Right now I'm not sure where we're headed. My husband and I have to take a step back and let the dust settle a bit. I did call my fertility office the other day just to let them know what was happening. They sounded as shocked as we were feeling a couple of weeks ago. Somehow we ended up making an appointment for next Monday afternoon to discuss the future and what our options are. We still have our three frozen embryos awaiting our decision. I'm torn on how fast I want to steam roll ahead with adding to our family, but I'm feeling a bit of fire under my bum in wanting to give Brynn a sibling. But for now Brynn will have to enjoy her furry sibling Neela until we make some decisions over the next few weeks. While she enjoys Neela - I'm going to put any fear and worry about whatever decision we decide to go with aside. I'm going to enjoy the here and now - and fear isn't going to be a part of that. Not anymore.


Neela is about as good of a furry sibling as a mom could ask for to hang with Brynn - even if she does get confused sometimes. Oh well...Neela just says "You can't have beauty and brains!"

Moves and a miscarriage

It's been so long since I've updated. I'm not sure if anyone still pops over this way. I still check in on people - I love to see updates and hear how everyone is doing. It's been a strange last few months. An unexpected last few months. In the last weeks we've been trying to get settled into our new home, which is slowly starting to feel more like home.


Amazingly and much to our relief we also sold our old house that we had lived in for almost 9 years. Although it was so sad to leave- it was also sad having two house payments, LOL!

Brynn turned eighteen months and is doing great - she has come so far from where I thought things would be. She loved her little kiddie pool we set out for her this holiday weekend.





She loves pretending to drink out of anything we do like a water bottle, even though I think she prefers to dump it down the front of herself :-)





Brynn loves the parks that surround our new neighborhood as well. I'm loving the fact that the city we've moved to is packed full of great parks and young families. Pretty much every nice evening we pack her up in the stroller and just walk to one of the play areas nearby. Brynn stands at the back door around 6pm and just says repeatedly "Outside!" but it's more like "ou - siiiddee." No "t" sound...she hates those :-)


Most suprisingly of all was the way I had been feeling over the last few weeks. It all seemed vaguely familiar. Then two weeks ago when I was the only person in the operating room at work to smell a gas leak - I knew what was happening. Later that night I stopped at Tar.get. I went to the bathroom and saw something I had waited our whole life to see - a "pregnant" on a home testing kit. (Last time with Brynn we had gotten a phone call from the fertility clinic.) We were shocked, surprised, even terrified since we had been proceeding with a gestational carrier cycle in the months ahead. But most of all we were delighted. Could this really be happening?

I called my OB, started taking some progesterone that he had phoned into my pharmacy (since I'm chronically low in the past) and we held our breath. My HCG levels were drawn and they were rising - could this really be? Later that week we had an ultrasound - it showed a gestational sac - things seemed early so we scheduled another scan for the following week. As time went, I felt like things weren't right - no cramping or spotting - just not right. As we had more scans and more lab work - things I was used to from the past and we got to see something I never dreamed would happen. A few days ago I saw not one but two gestational sacs. Twins. Twins conceived without doctors, without in vitro fertilization, without a third party present. Twins in my uterus. What the heck?

But we found out the thing we would not get to see. And that was two heartbeats. Or one for that matter. I kind of knew that this was all a little too easy. When something like that happens at first - you almost forget that you are infertile. But I think once an infertile, always an infertile. It's part of who you are - and in the end I've come to accept that. We were just blessed to beat the odds once and look at what we got.

We're in the clear!

We finally got back the results from Brynn's sacral ultrasound and we're in the clear! Everything was A -OK which I pretty much had a feeling that they were. Her spinal cord extended down to the level that it should and the radiologist was able to visualize the tip around L2. I was so relieved to hear that the radiologist could visualize the needed information and that we didn't have to schedule a MRI (with anesthesia) which is often necessary to see those structures by the 15 month mark. Earlier (up until 6 months or so) the structures are easily visualized by ultrasound since they're still more cartilage like and not as bony as they are later on (like at 15 months). It took 2 xray techs and myself to wrestle with Brynn to get her to hold still for the radiologist to scan her. She is one strong little girl who put up quite the fight and she managed to pee all down the front on me when I was lifting her off the table. I think I got a few funny looks walking out to the hospital valet with her later on with my wet winter coat, jeans and a wet top, LOL! But just knowing Brynn was alright was so well worth the pee soaked clothes and wrestling match!

While we were waiting in the waiting room for the scan, Brynn absolutely loved the oversized Legos (or Mega Blocks) that were in the waiting room. I went out the next day to Tar.get and bought her some of her own. Any excuse to shop, right?

My husband and I have been quietly celebrating our recent victory with Brynn while getting ready for our next big step. We're officially moving into our new house in just 10 short days and it's a bit hard to believe. It's bittersweet leaving our current house that we've shared so many memories for the last 8 years in together. There's been the ups and the downs...but so many more ups. It kind of feels like we're starting a whole new chapter. Everytime we leave the house because we have a showing - our dog Neela jumps in her little carrying back as if to say "Don't leave me...take me...take me too!" Don't worry little Neela...both you and your non furry sister Brynn are coming with us as we take our next steps.

Sacral ultrasound and waiting

This weekend my husband was adjusting the straps on Brynn's carseat and turning it around to be front facing at last. Brynn and Neela were intrigued and wanted to help out. She seems to like mechanical things. Maybe she has the makings of a future engineer like her daddy?

Last week I took Brynn for her 15th month appointment after her great poopy escapade. Funny enough she decided that she would start walking while in the doctor's waiting room, LOL! I was so elated in her latest accomplishment I was kind of blindsided by what was to come next. During what I thought was going to be a routine exam, Brynn's pediatrician was glancing at her bottom and paused. She appeared to be taking her time and I asked what was wrong. Her pediatrician said that she was concerned over some dimpling along her sacral spine as well as a grove that was present that angled toward the right. Brynn's doc then did a mini neuro exam of her lowerextremity reflexes and noted a bit of alterations in some responses.

After chatting a bit with Brynn's pediatrician, she arranged for a sacral ultrasound for my daughter at our nearby hospital. It's the same facility that Brynn's cardiologist practiced out of and one that I feel has a strong pediatric department. Her pediatrician also arranged for one of the pediatric neurosurgeons to review the scan while we were there just to be on the safe side. While the pediatrician and I were discussing these arrangements I felt like one of those bobble head dolls who just kept nodding my head as I struggled to take this all in. I'm delighted that her doctor is so thorough,but on the other hand I hope she is just being overcautious and this is a whole lot to do about nothing. Her doctor said that one of the reasons she wants us to have this done is because of the ridge present as well as the fact that she can't see the bottom of the dimpling. I know a lot of kids are born with sacral dimples - I just hope that Brynn's are the harmless type that we can tease her about having a cute little butt and nothing else.

So early this week we're scheduled for her ultrasound, and depending on what it looks like may have a MRI followup. The reason that they start with the ultrasound is that it's less invasive and doesn't require anesthesia. For kids who are young and need to hold completely still - an MRI procedure requires sedation or anesthesia. Every week or two, I provide anesthesia for kids undergoing an MRI or CT scan at work and it is not one of my favorite things to do. The thought of Brynn undergoing that is something I'd like to avoid if possible. Of course whatever is necessary - but I am praying she doesn't need that.

So for now we wait...I hold my breath and hope my little Brynn just has a funny little bottom and nothing else.

Poop

Yes two posts in one day...crazy huh? Brynn is a major poop machine today. I just had her all changed and ready to go to her doctor's appointment and I heard the grunting coming from our TV room. I glanced at Brynn's face and it was bright red - J and I call it her "poopy face." Outfit change #2 for the day was in effect. Not 5 minutes later I heard the grunting again followed by a lovely shade of red coming over her face. Yes folks we had outfit change #3. No wonder why us women like to change or try on so many outfits in one day when we get older. We're been doing it since before we could walk!

15 months

Today I'm taking Brynn for her 15 month doctor's appointment - it's a couple weeks late but better late than never, right? At the moment it's snowing fiercely outside, although I think we're only supposed to get a couple more inches. Last week we got about 8 inches and I have to admit I love the look of fresh white covering that everything has. We've been pretty lucky in Detroit this winter and we haven't gotten nearly the snow that a lot of the rest of the country has. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my last post but we're also in the process of moving so not having a lot of snow has been a blessing. We got a fantastic deal on a house around the holidays and are part of the way moved in. It's only a few miles away but it's in the city that we've been looking at for over a year. Needless to say I'm so excited! We listed our house about 6 weeks ago for sale and have had some great showings - so that's promising. In fact our realtor called yesterday to tell us about a couple from out of town that wants to come back for a second showing. Yay!!! What a blessing if this all would work out.

Lately Brynn has taken to giving hugs and kisses like I mentioned. It doesn't matter if it's the dog's toys or her own - anything stuffed is fair game. Neela usually just lounges on the couch at night like it shows in the video and watches her human sister be the kissing bandit.

At the moment Brynn is still sleeping as I sip my ice coffee typing this. I have to admit my obsession with ice coffee during the summer months have somehow carried over into the winter months, even with a foot of snow on the ground. I like it black, and the people at Starbucks look at me like I'm nuts, LOL! But it's my secret indulgence :-) Brynn usually still sleeps in until 9 or 10AM and I realize how lucky I am with that. She then wakes up ravenously hungry and wants her banana with her breakfast. I love hearing her mutter "nana" for the yellow fruit she squishes between her chubby left hand. How my husband and I ended up with a blue-eyed, reddish haired, possible lefty is beyond me! It'll always be one of life's mysteries to me. But as long as she is healthy - who the heck cares :-)

I hear her stirring....but I hope everyone is having a great week. Hopefully Brynn will have a good appt this afternoon and we'll spend the rest of it snuggling and watching the snow (at least that's what Neela looks like she's hoping for!)

Three months? Really has it been that long?

Wow has it really been three months since I posted? For real? I won't try to come up with excuses. I guess I just started feeling quiet about some things that I was thinking and then before you know it...three months have gone by. Sorry for the long radio silence. I guess I just felt stuck, then like I needed a break...and then well....I feel like I had the break I needed. Now I'm excited to play a little catch up. I've been doing a lot of reading, just not commenting. Again...sorry for the long radio silence. It's been a bit therapeutic - although selfish I'm sure.

Hmmm...before I start where I left off, I wanted to say how much I have come to appreciate what a wonderful group of women there are in our little community of blogland. The portion of my life trying to have Brynn and then being pregnant with Brynn and then the first few months of her life were a bit rocky...and you all helped make it just a little bit easier. So thank you. Thank you for checking in with us while I took my little break and for caring enough to see if we were okay. You are simply the best.

Brynn is almost 15 months old. Crazy and amazing. I'll catch up on what's been happening over the next few days and I promise that it won't be three months from now. But at the moment I just noticed that Brynn is trying to french kiss our dog Neela and I suppose I should try to stop that. It's one of her favorite things to do at the moment, as she likes to kiss and hug everything. I know it sounds gross, but I'm just glad she's content french kissing her furry friend Neela and she's not ready to french kiss any boys yet!