Thank you....and "what ifs"

I just wanted to say how much you have all warmed my heart with your kind words after my last post. It makes the disappointment from our failed FET a bit easier. Some days I find myself playing the "what if " game. The "what if" our FET had worked, then we would be around 5 1/2 weeks pregnant now. Sometimes I even find myself playing the "what if" we hadn't miscarried a few months ago...then I would be well into my second trimester and we would be arguing over what color to paint the nursery - or whether we would reuse Brynn's crib and transition her earlier to a toddler bed. But I quickly put out those "what if" thoughts - I think that they might be as dangerous as wildfires. I know those thoughts will spread and overtake the ones I should fill my head with. So I'm trying to turn my attention to everything else to cram in there, so my head has no room for those dangerous "what ifs.



Spending time up north at my parent's place has made filling my moments with positive things a ton easier. Last weekend although only one day was above 70 degrees, we still got to snap some photos of Brynn and us on the beach. Brynn loved looking at her footprints in the sand - and the fact that hers were the only ones on the beach nearby at the time.



We even let our dog Neela join in the fun with some walks on the beach. She had never been by the water before so I wonder what was going through her little doggy head when she saw one of the Great Lakes up close and personal :-) Within a moment though I felt a tug on the leash and her 8lb furry white body dragged me through the sand towards the edge of the water. Brynn soon wanted to help "walk the dog" and grabbed on the center portion of the leash.


I found myself trying to soak in these moments, because there is a very real possibility that Brynn may be our only child - and I don't want to miss a moment. Plus our daughter deserves a mom who doesn't spend her time thinking of "what ifs" because Brynn is so much more than one of those. I thank God everyday for that.

FET is a big ole negative

We're just returning from our holiday weekend up north in Michigan from at my parent's cottage on Lake Huron. Despite having a great time, I woke up Saturday morning to my period. I wasn't terribly surprised since I had cheated and taken a few home tests prior to my beta at the RE's. All of which were negative. Hmmm. But it was still a blow to any last minute hopes, or any Hail Mary's I was hoping might make their appearance. In fact we decided to stay up north one more day and we returned today on Labor Day. I didn't feel like there was any point in cutting our trip short to get lab work drawn when I would know the result. So tomorrow morning I'll get up early and head down to the office for the last of the formality that will end our cycle. So a twin miscarriage and now a FET that didn't have a positive ending...I guess it's back to the drawing board. Right now I'm not sure what we'll do next. We've talked that this may be it for now - but to be honest I'm not sure what looms in the near future. We're out of embryos, and the thought of forking over $17,000 out of pocket for another fresh IVF cycle seems a bit daunting at this point in our lives. So we'll see. Thanks for the good wishes and checking in. Infertility bites sometimes, huh? It just plain sucks.

Just a few more days

Thank you for the reassurance and good thoughts...I so appreciate them! We're off to go up north to my parent's cottage for a few days and will return on Monday (Labor Day). By then I'll know my answer. At least I'll hopefully have some fun at the beach as a distraction and enough ice cream to gorge myself on. My cousin and her two little girls are coming to for Brynn to have someone to play with. Wish us luck! And I hope everyone has a great holiday!

Waiting patiently - okay not so patiently

I've never been a patient person - my husband laughs and says that's where Brynn gets her patience from. And he's joking of course. I haven't had any symptoms so far one way or another. My boobs really aren't even sore from all of the progesterone I'm taking. But that's okay. Like always with this infertility dance we all do....none of this is in my hands at this point in time anyways. I may not be patient, but I have learned that I lack control in all of this. Today is roughly 10 days post ovulation, or 6 days post transfer. I caved and peed on a stick and it was negative. At least I know the ovidrel is out of my system...and I know it's not showing that I'm pregnant yet either.

So for now we wait, I have to be patient and I'm reminded that none of this is in my control. Please oh please BIG GUY....help turn this little lack of two pink lines into a little positive. I'd really appreciate it and I promise to be more patient.

Transfer all done!

This morning I began waking up around 4AM checking the clock like a manic person wondering if enough time had passed to have our RE's office call to tell us the fate of our 3 embryos being thawed overnight. Around 8AM I couldn't stand it anymore and phoned the office. My favorite nurse got on the line and told us that they were just finishing up with them but that 2 of the 3 had survived the thaw! Music to my ears. I had been saying little prayers all last night that we'd have 2 to transfer.

Our babysitter showed up around 9 to watch Brynn for us who was still sleeping soundly in bed, and we left shortly afterwards to make the drive down to the hospital. I popped by Valium along the way you take for uterine relaxation and chugged some water. This transfer was being done under ultrasound guidance since our RE had a little trouble with the curvature of my cervix and uterus on our first IVF. Once inside the transfer room we were given photos of our two little embryos prior to transfer. If I can get our scanner working I'll throw up a photo of the two little tots later. One had started out at 4 cells and had ended up at 3 prior to transfer and one eight celled embryo was now 6 cells. I'm glad any made the cut at all. Certain cells on the embryo can be harmed during the freezing of them initially, and then the unthawing a few years later. We also did the assisted hatching that was recommended by our RE.

Other than having to lay on the table with a full bladder and then for an additional 30 minutes post transfer - it was a breeze. During the transfer he asked us all about Brynn and I rambled on about what was new with her. Everything went off without a hitch and our 65 year old RE gave both my husband and I a fist pump on his way out the door and wished us luck.

Later my husband dropped me off at home, the babysitter went home and my parents came to watch Brynn for the afternoon. Other than finishing off my steroids, doxycycline antibiotic and maintaining on my estrace and progesterone along with aspirin for the next 12 days...it's a waiting game now. I napped a bit this afternoon (I think the valium gave me a hangover, LOL!) and now I'm sitting on our back porch while my husband took Brynn to the park. It's a beautiful night- crystal clear and 70 degrees. Basically the perfect evening to a perfect day. I hope that there are many more like this ahead!

Thank you so much for all the good luck and prayers. It means so much and I'm a firm believer that some good thinking and prayers go a long way!

Tomorrow is transfer day - I hope

Well can't believe tomorrow morning is our frozen embryo transfer. I'm anxiously awaiting the call from our RE's office in the early morning hours to let us know how many- if any of our embryos survived the overnight thaw. I'm hoping that our three little embryos are currently sporting their summer sunglasses and bikinis and ready for the great thaw! Fingers crossed and lots of prayers...I'll take any we can get :-)

Turning lemons into ....lemon bars

In keeping with my previous post, I've been trying to keep busy to avoid thinking about our embryo transfer coming up. Sunday I was at one of our local farmer's markets and saw these beautiful lemons. I love summer time and just strolling through the aisles of produce that line the weekend farmer markets. Just north of Detroit there are quite a few and we're blessed to have a nice one in our suburb's downtown area. I gathered a armful of these and headed home to see what I could do with them.



Thanks to a good recipe from Barefoot Contessa I turned them into this:



Sorry I don't have a better photo of the finished product, my husband and parents made quick work of them and before I could take a photo, LOL! It was the first time I had made a shortbread crust and I think it turned out pretty well. The bars held up great, and were pretty dense. In fact I think next time I'll add a little less flour to the filling and one more lemon. Although I like my bars pretty lemony.

Saturday night my parents came over to our house to watch Brynn so that we could go to a friend's wedding. The rain held off for the outdoor ceremony and it was beautiful. And my favorite part of weddings..the wedding cake was yummy too! Some people love the music, or flowers. I'm totally always about the cake. It's my favorite part of going to weddings :-) I had picked up a new dress on sale at one of my favorite stores, Ann Taylor Loft and we enjoyed the night away.



My friend and her husband and little 3 year old girl are currently on their way over to our house to visit and have dinner. They're in visiting from Arizona and it's been awhile since we've seen them. There's something amazingly comforting about visiting with old friends. I used to not know what people meant when they said a friend can feel like home - but vising with old friends who you've not seen for awhile does feel like....well....coming home. It's one of the things I'm most grateful for. Old friends I still have contact with. I feel that they're a blessing.

Seven days until transfer. By this time next week hopefully two embryos will have been transferred and hopefully one will be making a nice home in my uterus for the next eight or nine months. Little embryo...we've been waiting for you and I promise we'll give you a nice home to settle in....we just want you to hang around for awhile!

Trying to stay calm 10 days til transfer

One of Brynn's favorite things lately is picking up leaves and saying "weeves." I think she'll get a kick out of the colored ones that fall as autumn starts. Right now there's already some on the ground although they're more of a icky brown color, nothing like the velvety red and auburn ones I love about the third season in the year here in Michigan.
Earlier in the week I thought...wow I'm doing pretty well. I am barely thinking about the fact that we have a FET in 2 weeks. As the days go by I find myself thinking about it more and more. While making dinner...while taking a shower,and this morning...even while...well going number 2! ( I really must invest in some better bathroom reading material :-)

I've resigned myself that the only way I'm going to stay sane over the next 10 days is to cram as much into each day so I can't possibly have extra time to worry. Why the heck I'm worrying is beyond me..but for some reason I'm worried about our embryos surviving the thaw. I'm worried that we're doing all this and we won't even have anything left at the end to transfer. So I think I need to just stop and take a deep breath. This is happening in 10 days...and it has to work. It just has to. Right?

P.S. The Fed Ex Man did bring me a package on Wednesday complete with my two ovidrel injections. And much to my husband's delight....that was the only package he brought to our house...hehe!

Fun times up north and cycle day 11

This past week my husband had to go to Austin to present at a conference for work, so Brynn and I headed up to my parent's cottage in up north Michigan. I think she enjoyed getting ready for the beach more than she actually liked the sand and water.

Brynn loves looking at herself in the mirror and gathering all of the toiletries out of the bathroom.



She didn't really like walking in the water, although Brynn would sit and let her toes get a tad wet. She loved her sand bucket, which was never far out of reach.



Although the sky looked threatening at times, we never got a drop of rain the entire 3 days up at the cottage and Lake Huron was as calm as ever with barely a wave in sight. You could walk out really far and still be waist deep while seeing the bottom of the lake. Here's Brynn and my dad sitting down to cool off.



Brynn was a pretty good traveler in the car and the trip back home was a little smoother than the one up there. Once home she wasted no time to remember where her favorite snacks were. I swear the girl would live on golden Goldfish if I let her, LOL!



At the end of her snack Brynn is like, "Come on Mom...just a few more!"



Thank you for all of the good wishes for my lab work to be alright last week. It must of worked because early last week the nurse from my RE's office called to say my progesterone was less than one and my estrogen was within the normal range to start my meds for our FET. YAY!

So last week I began taking two Estrace a day and applied my Vivelle patch. I continue to take the Estrace daily and change my patch every three days. I also of course are taking some folic acid, and my RE's office has begun putting many of their patients on a daily dose of Vitamin D. Next Wednesday on the 18th I have another ultrasound to check my lining and some lab work to check my progesterone and a few other things. If all looks okay I'll start my progesterone shots, medrol steroid (since we used ICSI during our IVF cycle), aspirin, and Doxycycline antibiotic. That Wednesday night I'll also take two Ovidrel injections.

Then drumroll please.....our transfer should still be Monday the 23rd at 10AM. Despite all of my excitement for this transfer, I have to admit a FET is just so much simpler it seems than a fresh IVF cycle. There is so few ultrasounds, fewer lab draws, fewer needles, fewer meds...well.....just fewer of everything. It seemed like with our fresh IVF cycle I was forever waiting by my cell phone, checking it in between OR cases for a call from the clinic with lab results, or what my next dose of each injectable med was. There is none of that this time. Things just seem...well....calmer.

I am however, waiting anxiously for the doorbell to ring at the moment and for the FedEx man to bring me a package. My two ovidrel injections are scheduled to be delivered today and I have to sign for them since they are refrigerated. Did I ever mention how much I love getting packages and snail mail? I especially love packages from FedEx and delivery services. I had to giggle because I told my husband last night that the FedEx man was bringing me a package today and my husband just smiled and said he was excited for the delivery as long as the "FedEx man wasn't bringing you HIS package." Ah, I love how my husband thinks...mind always in the gutter, LOL!

Well, hope everyone is having a great week and thanks again for all of the good thoughts!

New York City and cycling day 2

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes! New York City was a blast. We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary there, ate at some great restaurants, and saw this show which was both funny and entertaining enough to keep my husband awake for a broadway show :-)



I was proud of myself for only calling home 4 times to check on Brynn and our doggie Neela. My parents kept both of them so busy I doubt our daughter even realized we were gone. In fact when we arrived home Brynn acted a bit stand offish for the first hour or so and acted like she was ignoring us only going over to my mom and dad to be held. But three rounds of E-I-E-I-O and This Little Piggy Went to Market later and I was back in her good graces. It was a fun trip, but it was good to be home.

This past weekend I worked both days and both the OR and Labor and Delivery was a zoo. On Saturday we were so busy that no one got a lunch break until like 2:30, and I was about ready to start popping open the IV bags of D5W and (dextrose and water) and start chugging away, LOL! Sunday was a little better but it was kind of one of those crazy summer weekends where everyone comes in for bizarre reasons. And I don't even think it was a full moon?

I was delighted when my sonohyst went well and that my uterus looked squeaky clean. Last month my RE had me on premarin and then provera to have a cycle prior to our FET cycle. Technically you should not ovulate while taking this combo, and technically I've never been known to ovulate anyways during any of our cycles trying to get pregnant with Brynn. So last week when I had stopped taking my provera and was having some bleeding I assumed it was the start of my period. I phoned the office and went in for cycle day 3 lab work an early morning date with the dildo cam (aka a transvag ultrasound.) My lining looked thin, no cysts were present (horray!) and the nurse said she would call that afternoon with my lab results so that I could start my Estrace that evening along with my estrogen patch. Later that day the phone range and my favorite nurse said NOT to start my estrogen because the bleeding I was having was not the start of my cycle. Rather my progesterone was still a tad high because low and behold I had obviously ovulated this past cycle while on Premarin. Go figure. When I take meds to ovulate trying to get pregnant with IUI cycles in the past, I don't ovulate. Then I take meds to not ovulate prior to our FET cycle and I do ovulate - causing our FET cycle to get postponed. UGH!

I should have known nothing goes quite as scheduled in the world of fertility treatments, but I was just chomping at the bit to get started. Yesterday I did however start having what seems like a period again (although I've been spotting for 2 weeks now) and tomorrow morning I'll have lab work drawn again. I'm anticipating things looking good, my progesterone and estrogen being where they should be, and me being able to start my estrace and patch, along with my aspirin. Now I'm really getting excited!

My husband is gone all this week to Austin to present at a nerd conference. It's what we call electrical engineering conferences :-) Since I worked the weekend I have a few days off - so I'm going to pack Neela and Brynn up after I get back from having my lab work drawn in the morning to spend a few days at my parent's cottage up north. Their place in on the water so it'll be fun seeing Brynn's first trip to the beach. It's one of the things I love about Michigan, is all of the sandy shore with having the Great Lakes nearby.

Well hopefully we'll get to enjoy a few days of sun and sand while the hubby is away, and hopefully I'll be able to post that my labs looked good and that we're off and running with our FET. That would give us a transfer day of Monday August 23 for our embryos! That's not that far away!

Yes Mr. High Risk OB, I am now 30.

Brynn has been into mimicking everything we do lately. When I pull out my new cordless vac she runs to grab her toy vacuum and follows along behind me. Since we no longer have a cleaning lady and since she is so gangbuster about cleaning...perhaps I should invest in an actual working vacuum for Brynn to "play with" aka be my child cleaning slave? Just kidding :-) Do you think people would frown on that? Is 20 months too young to clean? I guess so..maybe in a few years :-)

Today I woke up, packed Brynn in the car and headed south to my parents house. I dropped Brynn off so that they could watch her while I went to my 9:30 appointment with my perinatologist. This was the same peri that co-managed my pregnancy with Brynn, and he is quite the joking type. Before we discussed how future pregnancies would be managed he asked a few questions about our recent miscarriage, how many embryos we were planning on transferring on our upcoming FET, and my current age. Before I could answer, he blurted out "Well, it shows here you're 30." Yup Mr High Risk OB...as of this past Tuesday I am now officially 30. I asked him, "Does that change anything?" His response was well...not really...just that I was a little closer to "advanced maternal age." At 30? What the heck? He then of course smiled and said that was his way of saying a belated happy birthday - and that he was just kidding. I smiled back and told him that saying phrases like that is not exactly a way to get along with the ladies. He just has an odd quirky sense of old man humor so I know he truly thought he was funny :-)

But for the record....30 is not that close to advanced maternal age or AMA as they put it on the charts up in L & D. (labor and delivery). At least I say so. And while I'm on the topic I think whoever came up with that label "advanced maternal age" ought to be shot. What do you think?

My meeting with the peri went well, about what I expected it to be. He asked to see pictures of Brynn aka the "vasa previa miracle" as he refers to her. I proudly whipped out a few to show him. He discussed the following:

- progesterone taken through the first trimester
- scans to monitor for IUGR
- a cerclage to be placed around week 13 (McDonald vs Shirodkar)
- weekly cervical checks starting around week 10 via internal exam and serial ultrasounds.
- progesterone IM shots around week 16
- steroid shots around week 24 (viability)
- Zofran, Reglan and other options for nausea - vomiting if or when it occurs
- being followed by a GI doctor for hyperemisis and gastritis if those two ugly sisters rear their head again.
- the addition of possibly adding Protonix (especially IV) if IV nutrition is needed
- the possibility of a PICC line so I could spend more time at home with Brynn if IV nutrition is needed
- screening for placental problems such as a vasa previa which we had last time

We actually scheduled another appointment for next week to discuss what type of cerclage should be placed. The appointment is in conjunction with a peri from another large hospital nearby. Although the hospital that I work at and my peri that I met with is a large hospital facility, my peri wants us to get the second opinion on my care from the other large hospital facility in the area. Our hospital (the one I work at and will be treated at) does over 7000 deliveries a year and the peri group pulls in patients referred from over 17 local hospitals. I feel confident in the care I receive. But if my peri feels that a second opinion is warranted, I will certainly go to the appointment with the two peris next week. My peri said that even for a unicornuate uterus, our case is certainly not "textbook" and so they want to cover all their bases. (or asses?) Just kidding :-)

Risks discussed for both me or the potential baby with a future pregnancy...well.... I want to remain upbeat and I will not bullet point those here or now. It was nothing that I hadn't heard before or wasn't aware of. Regardless, I left the meeting excited and anxious. I want to get our transfer underway...I want to get the ball rolling.

Yesterday I started my provera in addition to the premarin I'm taking. I'll hopefully get a period in a couple of weeks and that will be the start of our transfer cycle. Next Thursday my RE wants to do a sonohystogram to take a peek inside my old uterus just to make sure things are squeeky clean. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

Tomorrow the hubby and I leave for New York City for a long weekend. It's the first time I've been away from Brynn for the night and I'm both looking forward to it and am worried of course about it. My parents are watching both her and Neela at our house so they'll be in the comfort of their own beds and familiar surroundings. Keep your fingers crossed that everyone survives the first time separation! Especially my parents :-)

Stretch uterus stretch!

Neela says "Come on people...please...what does a dog have to do to get a decent meal around here?" Neela has learned how to open our cabinet door and get out Brynn's gerber meal plates. She then drags them around and looks at us like she wants another meal too.

Yesterday I got to work a few minutes early, signed out my narcotic box from the OR pharmacy and got ready to set up my anesthesia tabletop for my first case. When I entered OR #12 I noticed that there were already endotracheal tubes and some oral airways on top of the anesthesia cart. Clearly I had a CRNA student or a RNAS (registered nurse anesthesia student) as they call themselves. I also noticed the pediatric cart next to the standard blue anesthesia cart that is in every room. Gulp. I had my mock transfer scheduled in a few hours at my RE's clinic in the medical office building, and I was hoping for an easy day! Peds cases are always a little more challenging from just the stress of doing anesthesia on kids, and having to supervise a student to make sure that they learn safely is a bit stressful at times as well. So having a student and having peds cases just means you have to keep things on a tighter leash. I quickly phoned our lead CRNA who was running the OR board for the day, to see if I could have my lunch break at 11:30 since my mock transfer was around that same time. She said staffing was tight but that it shouldn't be a problem.

Luckily we were working with one of the world's nicest ENT (ears nose and throat) surgeons who was ever so patient with my student as well. Our youngest patient was a 13 month old we placed ear tubes in, and our oldest patient was 5 year old who was having micorlayngoscopy and biopsy. After doing our preop anesthesia assessment on the five year old and talking with her parents, my student and I walked away to discuss our anesthesia plan. I asked the student if he noticed how nervous the parents of the 5 year old patient were. The student just nodded his head, but didn't look like he had given it much thought. Before I could get to miffed at the student for overlooking a huge part of anesthesia care of peds patients, mainly reassuring the parents of the kids that we were going to take good care of their child I remembered what it was like to be an anesthesia student myself.

When you're a CRNA student it's easy to get so caught up with the stress of the actual surgical procedure and what you're going to do during the case - that you forget about the patient's concerns or in the case of peds - the concerns of the parents. I told my student that as important as it was to do a good job with the anesthesia after the patient went to sleep, it was also important to do a good job in preop. It was our job to make sure that the parents knew we were going to do everything in our power to take the best care of their child. I told him that those parents were trusting in us as their CRNA or anesthesiologist the care of their most precious cargo...their child.

Honestly, while I was in school I don't think I even thought about this aspect of the job much. I was trying not to let anything happen during the case - I certainly was not concentrating as heavily on the emotional aspect of the job as well. It's kind of nice now to be to the point where you can step back and see the whole picture a little more clearly. I know I still have a long way to go but it's nice to be able to point out things to students other than the technical points of our work. A monkey can learn a skill - but it's being able to take care of our patients as whole human beings that makes us do what we do - and not be monkeys of course :-)

Long story short, I ran down to the first floor of the medical office building to my RE's office and waited to be called for my mock transfer. Once in the exam room I changed out of my scrub bottoms and into my fashionable pink paper coverup, jumped back into the stirrups once again, and my RE did his measurements with the catheter in preparation for our embryo transfer. Without much thought I remembered back to our mock transfer for our IVF cycle that resulted in our daughter Brynn. I remembered our RE saying, "deviated to the left...8cm." Meaning 8cm in was the correct catheter placement and that my uterus was deviated to the left - which was to be expected since I have a left unicornuate uterus. This time my RE said, "deviated to the left...9cm." Yay! That meant the measurements were not the same as first time, and that hopefully it was a little glimpse into the fact that my uterus might have stretched a bit from our pregnancy. A stretched uterus hopefully means more room for a future pregnancy and less preterm labor and contractions. A girl can dream right? My RE gave me a little high five (after removing his gloves of course, LOL!) and wished me good luck for my appointment with my peri next week.

I left the office with a gleeful smile on my face. Even my student mentioned that I looked happy and must have had a good lunch. Although lunch consisted of me scarfing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some string cheese in the waiting room - I agreed. It was a great lunch. Great news and a good lunch. And even more good news? My student took the time to talk to our last pediatric patient's parents before the case - and I could see that they were visibly calmer after he explained things to them. He was learning...and that made me feel a sense of accomplishment. My student told the parents that we were going to do everything we could to make sure we took the best care of their child. We would do everything we could so that the child had the best outcome possible.

Now if only I can keep reminding myself that my doctors are doing everything they can so that our family will have the best outcome possible. We have good doctors..we just have to have a good outcome...at least that is the mantra I keep telling myself.

Back to bearing my girly parts for all

Hope that everyone had a great fourth of July weekend. We had a nice weekend at our house. Friday and Saturday I watched Brynn while my husband did some yard work spreading the 3 yards of dirt and a couple yards of mulch we had delivered. Then Saturday night we went to the fireworks at Lincoln Golf course in Birmingham. Brynn actually liked watching them and she said her ever cute, "oohhh ahhhh" I find so freakin cute! Sunday we spent the morning together and then I had to work the afternoon and night shift on the fourth of July. I was the only anesthetist in the OR and my friend was on as the anesthetist in labor and delivery. We luckily managed to grab some dinner together before I did a couple of trauma cases that came in. One was a nine year old with a mangled arm and leg that was a result of a motor vehicle accident. Then around 10pm we tried to repair the hand of someone who was a little silly with their fireworks.

Earlier this week I traveled to my RE's office to begin prep for our frozen embryo transfer (FET). I had to have some lab work drawn, and cultures that are mandated for all FETs. The FDA mandates that anytime there is a transfer of human tissue that the recipient is screened for communicable diseases - even through they're our tissue (embryos) being transferred back to us. It was back in the stirrups again and bearing the girly parts. My RE had one of the OB residents with him that was doing their rotation through reproductive medicine with him and asked if it was okay if she remain in the room. Being a former IVFer and spending lots of good old quality time in the hospital when pregnant Brynn I thought...hey what the heck. Sure, what's one more person seeing the girly parts, right? I kind of forgot when you do infertility treatments how many times you get to either have a date with the dildo cam (transvaginal ultrasound) or get to expose it all. The first time around I think I thought about it more but now I know it just comes with the territory. Did you guys find that to be true the more cycles you went through?

In fact I had to giggle because my husband, "Gosh you've been painting your toes really nicely lately." I smiled and said, "Of course and shaving my legs as well!" Although it is nice to have one more excuse to shop at Target (extra nail polish and shave gel :-)

Last week I started on my Premarin which I'll take for four weeks. In a couple of weeks I'll start on Provera as well. After this cycle will be the cycle that we ideally will do our FET. Tomorrow I get to bear the girly parts again because we have a mock transfer. Although I work tomorrow, my RE's office is in the same hospital so I just have to arrange my lunch schedule to coincide with my mock transfer. My RE said it would be interesting to see if the measurements he takes with the catheter in prep for this transfer are the same length, or different that the measurements he took for our transfer with our first IVF. Basically he measures with the catheter to see how far in he would place the embryos for our FET. He is interested in seeing if the measurement is different due to my uterus stretching from our first pregnancy.

Thanks for your input on ways to add protein easily into my diet. I've been trying to sneak some extra in for my pregnancy marathon training. Later tonight it's off to paint the toes again for my appointment and sneak in a power walk or run with Brynn. Keep your fingers crossed that maybe our measurements from our mock transfer will show a little stretch to the old ute from last time :-)

Headache for Brynn and myself

Thanks for all of the suggestions to help bulk up over summer, you made me laugh!


While the sudden flurry of doctors appointments have given me a headache worth of things to ponder, poor Brynn has had a headache for another reason. While at the park the other day a couple of young boys asked if they could borrow Brynn's soccer ball. Since she wasn't using it my husband said sure, and started video taping her new obsession of going up and down the big blue slide at our favorite park. Suddenly Brynn noticed the boys playing with her ball and walked over to take a closer look. You can see what happened next! Funny that we don't do many videos but my husband happened to catch Brynn getting up close and personal with the ball. Poor thing didn't even cry! I think she was stunned and then happy to get the ball back.



The nurse in me was pondering taking her to get the old noggin checked out that night, but since she didn't even seemed phased I opted to check on her a few times while she slept to make sure she was okay. Luckily Brynn was just ticked off that I woke her out of a slumber three times that night...but she was fine. Maybe she'll be great at doing headers in the toddler soccer league in a year and a half?

On the weekend we had some friends over Saturday night and then on Sunday went to celebrate my nephew's birthday at my sister's place. It was a packed weekend, but a ton of fun. I decided to practice making my 90 year old grandmother's lemon pie recipe today with some homemade whip cream. Delicious! And I'm supposed to be adding some extra calories, right? Well, I think my doc meant some more protein and healthy weight - but I'm sure a little lemon pie would be what the doctor ordered :-)

I'm only joking about this since in all actuality I'm still just a little in shock that we've decided to go down this road. I have an appointment with my peri on July 14th and with the gastroenterologist for later that week as well. I ran into my peri while I was at work on Friday during lunch. One of the things that he is very persistent about is me getting in as good of shape physically as I can before we get pregnant. He said to look at this like we were training for a marathon since this pregnancy might be a very long road. My peri wants me to eat a lot of lean protein and build up some muscle mass through activity. One of the main problems when we were pregnant with Brynn was me spilling ketones from all the muscle wasting that I encountered from not being able to eat. He said we would discuss the option of a PICC line earlier on in the pregnancy if need be for me to get nutrition by IV if need be so I could hopefully spend more time at home and less in the hospital than I did with Brynn. Hopefully we won't encounter the nausea and vomiting issue like last pregnancy to the same extent, but it's nice to have a plan. I REALLY don't want a PICC line, but if we got to that point - I know that there are way worse things. Plus if it would allow me to spend more time and home and less in the hospital, I would be a very happy camper. I know we have to go into this cycle with a positive attitude or not to bother so that's where I'm trying to get my head at the moment.

My peri also mentioned that we have to discuss what type of cerclage that he or my OB would place. I am somewhat familiar with the different types of cerclages but am a bit confused as to why we might do a different one than last time. I'm trying to write down all of my questions before my July 14th appointment so I won't forget anything.

Well, I'm off to gobble up some protein while it's feeding time at the zoo...I mean dinner time at my house...and then am going to attempt a jog while pushing Brynn in the running stroller. I'm just glad she's not a big 19 month old :-) Hope everyone has a great night!

Appointment with my OB " take one"

Earlier in the summer I tried buying some new flower combos to use in my pots this year. I really like the varieties of the polka dot plants they had out this year. Although I bought them as seedlings they've really grown well with a few impatients. I love pink combos and blue pots so I tried them out in a pot I got at English Gardens nearby.


Yesterday afternoon I trekked down to my OB's office (always say down since most of my doctors are south of the city and we live on the north side) for my preconceptual planning appointment. While in the waiting room I ran into the ultrasound tech from their office whom I've grown to love over the years. I hadn't seen her since our recent miscarriage and she gave me a hug. It was sweet of her and I felt my eyes well up a bit- but I quickly stopped them. I didn't want to lose it in a waiting room full of pregnant bellies. Not there, not like that. Besides, the ultrasound tech (a former infertility gal herself) began telling me about their current plans of adopting from Korea. So that was a well welcomed distraction.

Shortly after I walked into an exam room for my appointment. I discussed with my OB the idea of us doing a frozen embryo transfer in a few months. He's hopeful that my uterus has stretched a bit from our pregnancy with Brynn. That still doesn't solve the issue of my nutritional problems during last pregnancy but hopefully will help with the preterm labor we had. My unicornuate uterus was about 1/3rd normal size before we had Brynn but hopefully it is a bit larger now. My OB pulled out my chart from the office and started reviewing our course during the last pregnancy. He laughed when just as he opened it up, the file ripped at the seam! It was a pretty thick chart and we both said it was time for a new one. Hopefully this new chart will be the start to a new beginning.


We talked about my OB providing most of my care during our pregnancy as well as me being co-managed by the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) perinatolgy group. He wants the two of us to meet with my peri from my previous pregnancy in the next few weeks. We made a tentative appointment for July 14th. We talked about me taking progesterone for the first trimester. Then around week 13 I would have a cerclage placed by my OB - who placed one when we were pregnant with Brynn. He said that he would possibly place a different type of cerclage than the one we had placed last time and that I would likely have to be admitted and stay overnight this time. I said whatever it would take of course I will have to do if we are going to go down this road. I would then take weekly progesterone shots around week 16 or so to help calm the uterus and prevent preterm labor. Likely I may be on procardia again to prevent and control contractions since they helped greatly last time. He talked about the risk that I may have to be admitted and placed on Mag Sulfate again if things got dicey but that we would try to avoid that at all costs.

From a nutritional standpoint the plan is more vague. Mainly because we don't even know if this will happen again. Hopefully we will dodge this bullet. I am realistic of the risk however. Regardless my OB wanted me to meet with the gastro (GI) doc who followed me last pregnancy to get his imput. My OB joked but somewhat seriously told me to start beefing up now. Meaning if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant from our FET then I should try to gain a decent amount of weight early on in case I run into trouble later on in the second and third trimester.

We ended the appointment on a lighthearted note about discussing my upcoming trip with the hubby we have planned to New York for our anniversary. My OB loves to travel with his wife and daughter and had a bunch of suggestions on places to see and shows to go to. He wanted to see me again in a few weeks after the other two appointments to wrap up the plans for another stab at a pregnancy with my good ole ute.

My feelings at the moment? Well I think this post is already long enough..I'll fill in more tomorrow since people may already be bored by this long post :-) I need to make some dinner and crash a little early tonight since worked paged me that I'm in the open heart room tomorrow. When you're in the heart room the cases start at 6:30 meaning we have to be there by 5:30AM to set up so the alarm goes off kind of early. Thanks for listening and I hope everyone has a great night!

Appointment with RE

Thank you for your kind words on my rambling previous post. This weekend we had a great Father's Day with both families. My husband's mom and dad came up from Ohio on Saturday. We went to mass at church nearby in Royal Oak and then they watched Brynn while the hubby and I had dinner and a movie. We went to a theatre downtown and saw a sneak peak viewing of Kni.ght and Day which was good. It's been months since we had seen a movie not at home so it was a blast to get out. They spent the night and then on Sunday we had my parents and grandparents over for lunch. I made lasagna for everyone and tried out a new peanut butter pie recipe that was delicious! More of a winter time food menu but that was what was requested by all the dads so that was what they got :-) Later after everyone left I spent the afternoon putting stain and a new finish on our lights that go up our driveway. I have a few more to go, but the ones I have done look pretty good. I'm not usually very handy so I'm pretty proud of myself.

This morning I had another planning appointment with my RE. On Friday I got up at 5:30 and made an early morning trip to their office to have some lab work drawn. He had wanted to make sure that my beta had fallen to negative - which it had. (Their office is south of the city and we live north of the city and I wanted to get home before my husband had to leave for work - hence the early morning date with the lab tech.) At today's appointment we discussed the frozen embryo transfer we wanted to do in the next few months. After much talking lately between my husband and I, we discussed the possibility of doing a transfer of our frozen embryos to me. My RE believes that ultimately the decision is up to my OB and peri (high risk OB) and us. If my RE has their approval - then he is excited to be able to help us do a frozen embryo transfer. I have begun discussing this option with my OB in passing (I frequently work in the operating room with my OB at work and and have seen him more frequently lately due to our miscarriage.) But I have a more formal appointment with my OB this Wednesday to discuss planning a possible pregnancy with my uterus since last time didn't go so well. From there I would meet with my peri.

Honestly, I have mixed emotions. Everyone's main concern if we were to be fortunate enough to have this frozen transfer work is mostly twofold. One would be the possibility of a premature delivery and the other is my health - especially towards the end of the pregnancy. The good thing is that my OB and peri were very successful in stopping my premature labor and my shortening cervix. Bad thing is that this time would we be so lucky? Other good thing is that I've regained all the weight I lost in my second and third trimester. Bad thing is that when we delivered Brynn I had lost 20+ pounds of my pre pregnancy weight. So not only had I not gained a single pound while pregnant in the long run - I also dropped another 20+. When I finally got home after delivering Brynn, I weighed somewhere around 110 pounds or so and I am 5'11. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror because I was disgusted by what I saw. I've always loved running and had always had a muscular build - it was shocking to see myself looking so bony I could count every rib.

I want to have another child so badly, but I don't want to put him or her in danger of a premature delivery. Brynn was so fortunate - we dodged so many bullets while pregnant. And I'm ashamed to admit one other fact. I'm afraid of getting sick again. I'm afraid of losing control of being able to do things like drive or take care of Brynn. And I'm afraid of having to rely on other people having to take care of me. It's such a low feeling when you are so weak from being sick you have to have your husband or a nurse give you a bath in bed or wash your hair because your doctors don't feel you're strong enough to have bathroom privileges in the hospital. That sounds so selfish, but I'm afraid of that feeling, and to be to that point again. I'm afraid of being sick.

But I know we can get through almost anything. I know in the end we'll be okay. So that's why I'm going to travel to my OB's office on Wednesday and talk about the possibility of doing something we thought would be crazy. I'll talk to my OB about us trying to get pregnant with the help of my RE and a frozen transfer. Just like old times...here we go again!

(Thanks for letting me ramble, I promise the next post will be back to more upbeat things!)

Closing the door

When we moved into our new house a few months ago - we decided not to paint one of the upstairs bedrooms. We left it the eggshell / white color that the rest of the house initially was. Each of the other rooms we had our painter complete in whatever color inspired me at the moment. When our painter asked why not that room as well - I said we weren't sure what we were going to use it for. We already had one bedroom painted a sky blue for a playroom, and one bedroom as ours, as well as Brynn's painted a sea foam green. But the fourth upstairs bedroom - we left it as a blank canvas. In the back of my mind both my husband and I secretly wished we could say without a hesitation that it would be our second child's bedroom. I threw a few boxes of extra linens and pillows in the closet and shut the door so Brynn wouldn't run in there.

Then we found out we were pregnant last month. One Saturday - I found the door open to the extra bedroom upstairs. I glanced inside and my husband had moved the diaper genie in the one corner. My heart smiled, at least it felt that way if hearts could actually smile. I left the door cracked, it somehow seemed wrong to close it now. Each night when I went into Brynn's bathroom to give her a bath, I would glance at the door to the spare room cracked open a bit. I wondered when we would pick out a paint color - the door would be wide open then. Then came the crushing news that we had lost the twins we were pregnant with.

As the days past, I decided to close the door to that room for now. It hurt too much to look at it cracked open. The crack in the doorway to the room just reminded me that my heart felt cracked in two.

Two days ago we got a letter and a phone call from our fertility office. Due to various reasons they were going to be moving all embryos stored at our hospital to another location that happened to be one state away. Nothing was changing with our office, their practice or the future of the care of patients. Basically no big deal, our embryos would just be taking a road trip, free of charge since the clinic was paying to transport them. We needed to sign a consent form allowing them to transfer the embryos or we could give consent for them to be donated for research - or else discarded. The last option actually made me gasp. There would be NO way under any circumstance I would EVER discard my embryos. I called my clinic and spoke with my favorite nurse. I mentioned to her that we were currently kind of in limbo land due to our recent miscarriage. She was empathetic as ever and said that even though they would be moving all embryos for people who chose to - that the clinic would be holding on to all embryos that were planning to be transfered with FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles in the next four months. Basically, if you were doing a FET in the next four months at the clinic, there was no point in moving your frozen embryos.

Basically, we had some serious decisions to make. My husband and I have been talking things through and I believe are making some progress. I called the fertility office today and told my favorite nurse that we would like them to hold on to our embryos and not transfer them out of state. That puts us in the group of patients who would like to do a frozen embryo transfer in the next four months or so. How we ended up in that group is still not clear to me. Maybe it's because I want to be able to crack the door to our spare bedroom open again - even if it's just a crack. It's a start. I'm just having trouble allowing my heart to be able to look at a cracked door, knowing it could swing either wide open or slam shut on us again.

The furry sibling and the here and now.

Neela and Brynn are never far apart. Whether doing something that they shouldn't be doing like pulling on the vertical blinds or just trying to scale the porch.



On most nice evenings Brynn grabs her Dora ball and strolls along side Neela as we walk.






Thank you so much for your kind words. They have given me some bright spots which has been an otherwise difficult week for us. I don't think I realized at first how excited we were about the thought of being pregnant. We had never really thought about it as an option or as a "next step" for us at this point in adding to our family. So we were blindsided when it happened - but then we were filled with a joy so big, I didn't know how my heart was going to contain it all. I feel so guilty over the moments that I experienced fear and anxiety over how we were going to make a pregnancy in MY uterus work, since we had planned on using someone else's uterus to carry our next child. What a waste of emotion that fear and anxiety was since it was moments I missed out on experiencing the complete and utter joy I was feeling at every other second. If anything I think I'm realizing that fear is utterly useless - it just robs you of time you could be spending and devoting towards enjoying the here and now. The here and now of those few weeks we were pregnant with our twins.

Right now I'm not sure where we're headed. My husband and I have to take a step back and let the dust settle a bit. I did call my fertility office the other day just to let them know what was happening. They sounded as shocked as we were feeling a couple of weeks ago. Somehow we ended up making an appointment for next Monday afternoon to discuss the future and what our options are. We still have our three frozen embryos awaiting our decision. I'm torn on how fast I want to steam roll ahead with adding to our family, but I'm feeling a bit of fire under my bum in wanting to give Brynn a sibling. But for now Brynn will have to enjoy her furry sibling Neela until we make some decisions over the next few weeks. While she enjoys Neela - I'm going to put any fear and worry about whatever decision we decide to go with aside. I'm going to enjoy the here and now - and fear isn't going to be a part of that. Not anymore.


Neela is about as good of a furry sibling as a mom could ask for to hang with Brynn - even if she does get confused sometimes. Oh well...Neela just says "You can't have beauty and brains!"

Moves and a miscarriage

It's been so long since I've updated. I'm not sure if anyone still pops over this way. I still check in on people - I love to see updates and hear how everyone is doing. It's been a strange last few months. An unexpected last few months. In the last weeks we've been trying to get settled into our new home, which is slowly starting to feel more like home.


Amazingly and much to our relief we also sold our old house that we had lived in for almost 9 years. Although it was so sad to leave- it was also sad having two house payments, LOL!

Brynn turned eighteen months and is doing great - she has come so far from where I thought things would be. She loved her little kiddie pool we set out for her this holiday weekend.





She loves pretending to drink out of anything we do like a water bottle, even though I think she prefers to dump it down the front of herself :-)





Brynn loves the parks that surround our new neighborhood as well. I'm loving the fact that the city we've moved to is packed full of great parks and young families. Pretty much every nice evening we pack her up in the stroller and just walk to one of the play areas nearby. Brynn stands at the back door around 6pm and just says repeatedly "Outside!" but it's more like "ou - siiiddee." No "t" sound...she hates those :-)


Most suprisingly of all was the way I had been feeling over the last few weeks. It all seemed vaguely familiar. Then two weeks ago when I was the only person in the operating room at work to smell a gas leak - I knew what was happening. Later that night I stopped at Tar.get. I went to the bathroom and saw something I had waited our whole life to see - a "pregnant" on a home testing kit. (Last time with Brynn we had gotten a phone call from the fertility clinic.) We were shocked, surprised, even terrified since we had been proceeding with a gestational carrier cycle in the months ahead. But most of all we were delighted. Could this really be happening?

I called my OB, started taking some progesterone that he had phoned into my pharmacy (since I'm chronically low in the past) and we held our breath. My HCG levels were drawn and they were rising - could this really be? Later that week we had an ultrasound - it showed a gestational sac - things seemed early so we scheduled another scan for the following week. As time went, I felt like things weren't right - no cramping or spotting - just not right. As we had more scans and more lab work - things I was used to from the past and we got to see something I never dreamed would happen. A few days ago I saw not one but two gestational sacs. Twins. Twins conceived without doctors, without in vitro fertilization, without a third party present. Twins in my uterus. What the heck?

But we found out the thing we would not get to see. And that was two heartbeats. Or one for that matter. I kind of knew that this was all a little too easy. When something like that happens at first - you almost forget that you are infertile. But I think once an infertile, always an infertile. It's part of who you are - and in the end I've come to accept that. We were just blessed to beat the odds once and look at what we got.

We're in the clear!

We finally got back the results from Brynn's sacral ultrasound and we're in the clear! Everything was A -OK which I pretty much had a feeling that they were. Her spinal cord extended down to the level that it should and the radiologist was able to visualize the tip around L2. I was so relieved to hear that the radiologist could visualize the needed information and that we didn't have to schedule a MRI (with anesthesia) which is often necessary to see those structures by the 15 month mark. Earlier (up until 6 months or so) the structures are easily visualized by ultrasound since they're still more cartilage like and not as bony as they are later on (like at 15 months). It took 2 xray techs and myself to wrestle with Brynn to get her to hold still for the radiologist to scan her. She is one strong little girl who put up quite the fight and she managed to pee all down the front on me when I was lifting her off the table. I think I got a few funny looks walking out to the hospital valet with her later on with my wet winter coat, jeans and a wet top, LOL! But just knowing Brynn was alright was so well worth the pee soaked clothes and wrestling match!

While we were waiting in the waiting room for the scan, Brynn absolutely loved the oversized Legos (or Mega Blocks) that were in the waiting room. I went out the next day to Tar.get and bought her some of her own. Any excuse to shop, right?

My husband and I have been quietly celebrating our recent victory with Brynn while getting ready for our next big step. We're officially moving into our new house in just 10 short days and it's a bit hard to believe. It's bittersweet leaving our current house that we've shared so many memories for the last 8 years in together. There's been the ups and the downs...but so many more ups. It kind of feels like we're starting a whole new chapter. Everytime we leave the house because we have a showing - our dog Neela jumps in her little carrying back as if to say "Don't leave me...take me...take me too!" Don't worry little Neela...both you and your non furry sister Brynn are coming with us as we take our next steps.

Sacral ultrasound and waiting

This weekend my husband was adjusting the straps on Brynn's carseat and turning it around to be front facing at last. Brynn and Neela were intrigued and wanted to help out. She seems to like mechanical things. Maybe she has the makings of a future engineer like her daddy?

Last week I took Brynn for her 15th month appointment after her great poopy escapade. Funny enough she decided that she would start walking while in the doctor's waiting room, LOL! I was so elated in her latest accomplishment I was kind of blindsided by what was to come next. During what I thought was going to be a routine exam, Brynn's pediatrician was glancing at her bottom and paused. She appeared to be taking her time and I asked what was wrong. Her pediatrician said that she was concerned over some dimpling along her sacral spine as well as a grove that was present that angled toward the right. Brynn's doc then did a mini neuro exam of her lowerextremity reflexes and noted a bit of alterations in some responses.

After chatting a bit with Brynn's pediatrician, she arranged for a sacral ultrasound for my daughter at our nearby hospital. It's the same facility that Brynn's cardiologist practiced out of and one that I feel has a strong pediatric department. Her pediatrician also arranged for one of the pediatric neurosurgeons to review the scan while we were there just to be on the safe side. While the pediatrician and I were discussing these arrangements I felt like one of those bobble head dolls who just kept nodding my head as I struggled to take this all in. I'm delighted that her doctor is so thorough,but on the other hand I hope she is just being overcautious and this is a whole lot to do about nothing. Her doctor said that one of the reasons she wants us to have this done is because of the ridge present as well as the fact that she can't see the bottom of the dimpling. I know a lot of kids are born with sacral dimples - I just hope that Brynn's are the harmless type that we can tease her about having a cute little butt and nothing else.

So early this week we're scheduled for her ultrasound, and depending on what it looks like may have a MRI followup. The reason that they start with the ultrasound is that it's less invasive and doesn't require anesthesia. For kids who are young and need to hold completely still - an MRI procedure requires sedation or anesthesia. Every week or two, I provide anesthesia for kids undergoing an MRI or CT scan at work and it is not one of my favorite things to do. The thought of Brynn undergoing that is something I'd like to avoid if possible. Of course whatever is necessary - but I am praying she doesn't need that.

So for now we wait...I hold my breath and hope my little Brynn just has a funny little bottom and nothing else.

Poop

Yes two posts in one day...crazy huh? Brynn is a major poop machine today. I just had her all changed and ready to go to her doctor's appointment and I heard the grunting coming from our TV room. I glanced at Brynn's face and it was bright red - J and I call it her "poopy face." Outfit change #2 for the day was in effect. Not 5 minutes later I heard the grunting again followed by a lovely shade of red coming over her face. Yes folks we had outfit change #3. No wonder why us women like to change or try on so many outfits in one day when we get older. We're been doing it since before we could walk!

15 months

Today I'm taking Brynn for her 15 month doctor's appointment - it's a couple weeks late but better late than never, right? At the moment it's snowing fiercely outside, although I think we're only supposed to get a couple more inches. Last week we got about 8 inches and I have to admit I love the look of fresh white covering that everything has. We've been pretty lucky in Detroit this winter and we haven't gotten nearly the snow that a lot of the rest of the country has. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my last post but we're also in the process of moving so not having a lot of snow has been a blessing. We got a fantastic deal on a house around the holidays and are part of the way moved in. It's only a few miles away but it's in the city that we've been looking at for over a year. Needless to say I'm so excited! We listed our house about 6 weeks ago for sale and have had some great showings - so that's promising. In fact our realtor called yesterday to tell us about a couple from out of town that wants to come back for a second showing. Yay!!! What a blessing if this all would work out.

Lately Brynn has taken to giving hugs and kisses like I mentioned. It doesn't matter if it's the dog's toys or her own - anything stuffed is fair game. Neela usually just lounges on the couch at night like it shows in the video and watches her human sister be the kissing bandit.

At the moment Brynn is still sleeping as I sip my ice coffee typing this. I have to admit my obsession with ice coffee during the summer months have somehow carried over into the winter months, even with a foot of snow on the ground. I like it black, and the people at Starbucks look at me like I'm nuts, LOL! But it's my secret indulgence :-) Brynn usually still sleeps in until 9 or 10AM and I realize how lucky I am with that. She then wakes up ravenously hungry and wants her banana with her breakfast. I love hearing her mutter "nana" for the yellow fruit she squishes between her chubby left hand. How my husband and I ended up with a blue-eyed, reddish haired, possible lefty is beyond me! It'll always be one of life's mysteries to me. But as long as she is healthy - who the heck cares :-)

I hear her stirring....but I hope everyone is having a great week. Hopefully Brynn will have a good appt this afternoon and we'll spend the rest of it snuggling and watching the snow (at least that's what Neela looks like she's hoping for!)

Three months? Really has it been that long?

Wow has it really been three months since I posted? For real? I won't try to come up with excuses. I guess I just started feeling quiet about some things that I was thinking and then before you know it...three months have gone by. Sorry for the long radio silence. I guess I just felt stuck, then like I needed a break...and then well....I feel like I had the break I needed. Now I'm excited to play a little catch up. I've been doing a lot of reading, just not commenting. Again...sorry for the long radio silence. It's been a bit therapeutic - although selfish I'm sure.

Hmmm...before I start where I left off, I wanted to say how much I have come to appreciate what a wonderful group of women there are in our little community of blogland. The portion of my life trying to have Brynn and then being pregnant with Brynn and then the first few months of her life were a bit rocky...and you all helped make it just a little bit easier. So thank you. Thank you for checking in with us while I took my little break and for caring enough to see if we were okay. You are simply the best.

Brynn is almost 15 months old. Crazy and amazing. I'll catch up on what's been happening over the next few days and I promise that it won't be three months from now. But at the moment I just noticed that Brynn is trying to french kiss our dog Neela and I suppose I should try to stop that. It's one of her favorite things to do at the moment, as she likes to kiss and hug everything. I know it sounds gross, but I'm just glad she's content french kissing her furry friend Neela and she's not ready to french kiss any boys yet!