Thank you....and "what ifs"

I just wanted to say how much you have all warmed my heart with your kind words after my last post. It makes the disappointment from our failed FET a bit easier. Some days I find myself playing the "what if " game. The "what if" our FET had worked, then we would be around 5 1/2 weeks pregnant now. Sometimes I even find myself playing the "what if" we hadn't miscarried a few months ago...then I would be well into my second trimester and we would be arguing over what color to paint the nursery - or whether we would reuse Brynn's crib and transition her earlier to a toddler bed. But I quickly put out those "what if" thoughts - I think that they might be as dangerous as wildfires. I know those thoughts will spread and overtake the ones I should fill my head with. So I'm trying to turn my attention to everything else to cram in there, so my head has no room for those dangerous "what ifs.



Spending time up north at my parent's place has made filling my moments with positive things a ton easier. Last weekend although only one day was above 70 degrees, we still got to snap some photos of Brynn and us on the beach. Brynn loved looking at her footprints in the sand - and the fact that hers were the only ones on the beach nearby at the time.



We even let our dog Neela join in the fun with some walks on the beach. She had never been by the water before so I wonder what was going through her little doggy head when she saw one of the Great Lakes up close and personal :-) Within a moment though I felt a tug on the leash and her 8lb furry white body dragged me through the sand towards the edge of the water. Brynn soon wanted to help "walk the dog" and grabbed on the center portion of the leash.


I found myself trying to soak in these moments, because there is a very real possibility that Brynn may be our only child - and I don't want to miss a moment. Plus our daughter deserves a mom who doesn't spend her time thinking of "what ifs" because Brynn is so much more than one of those. I thank God everyday for that.

FET is a big ole negative

We're just returning from our holiday weekend up north in Michigan from at my parent's cottage on Lake Huron. Despite having a great time, I woke up Saturday morning to my period. I wasn't terribly surprised since I had cheated and taken a few home tests prior to my beta at the RE's. All of which were negative. Hmmm. But it was still a blow to any last minute hopes, or any Hail Mary's I was hoping might make their appearance. In fact we decided to stay up north one more day and we returned today on Labor Day. I didn't feel like there was any point in cutting our trip short to get lab work drawn when I would know the result. So tomorrow morning I'll get up early and head down to the office for the last of the formality that will end our cycle. So a twin miscarriage and now a FET that didn't have a positive ending...I guess it's back to the drawing board. Right now I'm not sure what we'll do next. We've talked that this may be it for now - but to be honest I'm not sure what looms in the near future. We're out of embryos, and the thought of forking over $17,000 out of pocket for another fresh IVF cycle seems a bit daunting at this point in our lives. So we'll see. Thanks for the good wishes and checking in. Infertility bites sometimes, huh? It just plain sucks.

Just a few more days

Thank you for the reassurance and good thoughts...I so appreciate them! We're off to go up north to my parent's cottage for a few days and will return on Monday (Labor Day). By then I'll know my answer. At least I'll hopefully have some fun at the beach as a distraction and enough ice cream to gorge myself on. My cousin and her two little girls are coming to for Brynn to have someone to play with. Wish us luck! And I hope everyone has a great holiday!

Waiting patiently - okay not so patiently

I've never been a patient person - my husband laughs and says that's where Brynn gets her patience from. And he's joking of course. I haven't had any symptoms so far one way or another. My boobs really aren't even sore from all of the progesterone I'm taking. But that's okay. Like always with this infertility dance we all do....none of this is in my hands at this point in time anyways. I may not be patient, but I have learned that I lack control in all of this. Today is roughly 10 days post ovulation, or 6 days post transfer. I caved and peed on a stick and it was negative. At least I know the ovidrel is out of my system...and I know it's not showing that I'm pregnant yet either.

So for now we wait, I have to be patient and I'm reminded that none of this is in my control. Please oh please BIG GUY....help turn this little lack of two pink lines into a little positive. I'd really appreciate it and I promise to be more patient.

Transfer all done!

This morning I began waking up around 4AM checking the clock like a manic person wondering if enough time had passed to have our RE's office call to tell us the fate of our 3 embryos being thawed overnight. Around 8AM I couldn't stand it anymore and phoned the office. My favorite nurse got on the line and told us that they were just finishing up with them but that 2 of the 3 had survived the thaw! Music to my ears. I had been saying little prayers all last night that we'd have 2 to transfer.

Our babysitter showed up around 9 to watch Brynn for us who was still sleeping soundly in bed, and we left shortly afterwards to make the drive down to the hospital. I popped by Valium along the way you take for uterine relaxation and chugged some water. This transfer was being done under ultrasound guidance since our RE had a little trouble with the curvature of my cervix and uterus on our first IVF. Once inside the transfer room we were given photos of our two little embryos prior to transfer. If I can get our scanner working I'll throw up a photo of the two little tots later. One had started out at 4 cells and had ended up at 3 prior to transfer and one eight celled embryo was now 6 cells. I'm glad any made the cut at all. Certain cells on the embryo can be harmed during the freezing of them initially, and then the unthawing a few years later. We also did the assisted hatching that was recommended by our RE.

Other than having to lay on the table with a full bladder and then for an additional 30 minutes post transfer - it was a breeze. During the transfer he asked us all about Brynn and I rambled on about what was new with her. Everything went off without a hitch and our 65 year old RE gave both my husband and I a fist pump on his way out the door and wished us luck.

Later my husband dropped me off at home, the babysitter went home and my parents came to watch Brynn for the afternoon. Other than finishing off my steroids, doxycycline antibiotic and maintaining on my estrace and progesterone along with aspirin for the next 12 days...it's a waiting game now. I napped a bit this afternoon (I think the valium gave me a hangover, LOL!) and now I'm sitting on our back porch while my husband took Brynn to the park. It's a beautiful night- crystal clear and 70 degrees. Basically the perfect evening to a perfect day. I hope that there are many more like this ahead!

Thank you so much for all the good luck and prayers. It means so much and I'm a firm believer that some good thinking and prayers go a long way!

Tomorrow is transfer day - I hope

Well can't believe tomorrow morning is our frozen embryo transfer. I'm anxiously awaiting the call from our RE's office in the early morning hours to let us know how many- if any of our embryos survived the overnight thaw. I'm hoping that our three little embryos are currently sporting their summer sunglasses and bikinis and ready for the great thaw! Fingers crossed and lots of prayers...I'll take any we can get :-)

Turning lemons into ....lemon bars

In keeping with my previous post, I've been trying to keep busy to avoid thinking about our embryo transfer coming up. Sunday I was at one of our local farmer's markets and saw these beautiful lemons. I love summer time and just strolling through the aisles of produce that line the weekend farmer markets. Just north of Detroit there are quite a few and we're blessed to have a nice one in our suburb's downtown area. I gathered a armful of these and headed home to see what I could do with them.



Thanks to a good recipe from Barefoot Contessa I turned them into this:



Sorry I don't have a better photo of the finished product, my husband and parents made quick work of them and before I could take a photo, LOL! It was the first time I had made a shortbread crust and I think it turned out pretty well. The bars held up great, and were pretty dense. In fact I think next time I'll add a little less flour to the filling and one more lemon. Although I like my bars pretty lemony.

Saturday night my parents came over to our house to watch Brynn so that we could go to a friend's wedding. The rain held off for the outdoor ceremony and it was beautiful. And my favorite part of weddings..the wedding cake was yummy too! Some people love the music, or flowers. I'm totally always about the cake. It's my favorite part of going to weddings :-) I had picked up a new dress on sale at one of my favorite stores, Ann Taylor Loft and we enjoyed the night away.



My friend and her husband and little 3 year old girl are currently on their way over to our house to visit and have dinner. They're in visiting from Arizona and it's been awhile since we've seen them. There's something amazingly comforting about visiting with old friends. I used to not know what people meant when they said a friend can feel like home - but vising with old friends who you've not seen for awhile does feel like....well....coming home. It's one of the things I'm most grateful for. Old friends I still have contact with. I feel that they're a blessing.

Seven days until transfer. By this time next week hopefully two embryos will have been transferred and hopefully one will be making a nice home in my uterus for the next eight or nine months. Little embryo...we've been waiting for you and I promise we'll give you a nice home to settle in....we just want you to hang around for awhile!