Thank you for your kind words on my rambling previous post. This weekend we had a great Father's Day with both families. My husband's mom and dad came up from Ohio on Saturday. We went to mass at church nearby in Royal Oak and then they watched Brynn while the hubby and I had dinner and a movie. We went to a theatre downtown and saw a sneak peak viewing of Kni.ght and Day which was good. It's been months since we had seen a movie not at home so it was a blast to get out. They spent the night and then on Sunday we had my parents and grandparents over for lunch. I made lasagna for everyone and tried out a new peanut butter pie recipe that was delicious! More of a winter time food menu but that was what was requested by all the dads so that was what they got :-) Later after everyone left I spent the afternoon putting stain and a new finish on our lights that go up our driveway. I have a few more to go, but the ones I have done look pretty good. I'm not usually very handy so I'm pretty proud of myself.
This morning I had another planning appointment with my RE. On Friday I got up at 5:30 and made an early morning trip to their office to have some lab work drawn. He had wanted to make sure that my beta had fallen to negative - which it had. (Their office is south of the city and we live north of the city and I wanted to get home before my husband had to leave for work - hence the early morning date with the lab tech.) At today's appointment we discussed the frozen embryo transfer we wanted to do in the next few months. After much talking lately between my husband and I, we discussed the possibility of doing a transfer of our frozen embryos to me. My RE believes that ultimately the decision is up to my OB and peri (high risk OB) and us. If my RE has their approval - then he is excited to be able to help us do a frozen embryo transfer. I have begun discussing this option with my OB in passing (I frequently work in the operating room with my OB at work and and have seen him more frequently lately due to our miscarriage.) But I have a more formal appointment with my OB this Wednesday to discuss planning a possible pregnancy with my uterus since last time didn't go so well. From there I would meet with my peri.
Honestly, I have mixed emotions. Everyone's main concern if we were to be fortunate enough to have this frozen transfer work is mostly twofold. One would be the possibility of a premature delivery and the other is my health - especially towards the end of the pregnancy. The good thing is that my OB and peri were very successful in stopping my premature labor and my shortening cervix. Bad thing is that this time would we be so lucky? Other good thing is that I've regained all the weight I lost in my second and third trimester. Bad thing is that when we delivered Brynn I had lost 20+ pounds of my pre pregnancy weight. So not only had I not gained a single pound while pregnant in the long run - I also dropped another 20+. When I finally got home after delivering Brynn, I weighed somewhere around 110 pounds or so and I am 5'11. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror because I was disgusted by what I saw. I've always loved running and had always had a muscular build - it was shocking to see myself looking so bony I could count every rib.
I want to have another child so badly, but I don't want to put him or her in danger of a premature delivery. Brynn was so fortunate - we dodged so many bullets while pregnant. And I'm ashamed to admit one other fact. I'm afraid of getting sick again. I'm afraid of losing control of being able to do things like drive or take care of Brynn. And I'm afraid of having to rely on other people having to take care of me. It's such a low feeling when you are so weak from being sick you have to have your husband or a nurse give you a bath in bed or wash your hair because your doctors don't feel you're strong enough to have bathroom privileges in the hospital. That sounds so selfish, but I'm afraid of that feeling, and to be to that point again. I'm afraid of being sick.
But I know we can get through almost anything. I know in the end we'll be okay. So that's why I'm going to travel to my OB's office on Wednesday and talk about the possibility of doing something we thought would be crazy. I'll talk to my OB about us trying to get pregnant with the help of my RE and a frozen transfer. Just like old times...here we go again!
(Thanks for letting me ramble, I promise the next post will be back to more upbeat things!)
9 comments:
I don't think there's anything selfish about your feelings!!! I completely get the fear of not being able to do for yourself and your child. If I get pregnant again and have HG again...I honestly try not to think about it.
I'm praying things so well for you and God lets you know exactly what you should do. Hopefully your pregnancy with Brynn helped stretch your uterus a little so you'll have no problem with a second pregnancy!!!
Congrats on being so handy with the staining and finishing your lighting! Way to go!
Thanks Sara for your comments on my blog lately. I've been a total loser by not getting back to you on your blog. Thanks my friend.
You are absolutely not being selfish. You must think of your health for Brynn's sake, so think of it as being protective of Brynn rather than not wanting to feel sick again. You are the only mama that Brynn has and she needs you to be healthy and active. You were so sick last time and I'm sure you don't want to feel that way ever again if you can help it. I'd think long and hard about risking your health to carry the embryos yourself. You need to do what's right for you and your family, but please be careful. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you discern all of this stuff. Let me know if you want to get together for coffee or lunch! Miss you.
I really hope you can fulfill your dreams of carrying another baby and, hopefully, do it without any serious issues.
I am sending my best to you and J. as you grow your family. Your concerns and worries are so understandable, and I hope they fly away like dragonflies on the lake with the healthiest and happiest of babes.
I think your fear of getting sick again is the opposite of selfish! You are worried about not being able to take care of yourself. That's anti-selfish.
I can't wait to hear about what happens at the planning appointments.
I don't think your felings are selfish at all! I always worried about another pregnancy because of Maggie and having her survive VP. I wanted to be able to be her mom 100% while growing another baby. Even under the best circumstances being pregnant and caring for a child is a challenge.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you weigh your options.
I agree with Amanda. You're not being selfish - you're being a good mommy by having these concerns.
I'd love to have more children. However, more children = no chemo. No chemo = cancer returning. Cancer returning = well bad things. So for me, as much as I want it I need to think of my boys, my husband, my parents, sister, friends, etc. That being said, I've not ruled it out. Its just a lot to think about and a lot to decide. Just listen to your heart. XOXO
I hope that whatever you decide it works out well. I totally understand your fears of not wanting to be so sick again and all of that. Thinking of you and sending many hugs.
I don't think you are being selfish at all..praying for you and your family!!!
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