Home as a family

At long last, after weeks turning into months of being in and out of the hospital - we are finally home at last as a family. After Brynn passed her oxygen saturation car seat test, we were all clear to go home. (at the hospital if the baby is under 5 lbs or before 36 weeks, they must pass a O2 car seat saturation test to make sure that their O2 levels stay up while sitting in the car seat for 45 minutes - mimicking a car ride home situation.) No matter how many times we played with the car seat - it still felt so clumsy placing our little peanut in the seat. But soon we were leaving the parking structure with Brynn in the back seat. I had foolishly told my nurse that I was fine to walk to our car and didn't want a wheelchair since that was an option given to me. After weeks of not eating a regular diet, losing 25 pounds, and being on bedrest - I had to stop 3 times along the way. I think I have been in a bit of denial of the fact that I have a bit of recovery time ahead of me.


Next I was amazed to take my first breath of fresh air in weeks - although I knew it was cold outside - the crispness of the air took my breath away. When I had entered the hospital it was 80 degrees outside. Now there was snow on the ground - typical of our Michigan fall weather. I felt a bit out of place as if time had continued to move forward, while I had been left behind. But soon that was just a distant memory as I glanced at my daughter in her seat and I couldn't help but break out into a smile. Yes, I repeated the phrase in my head. "I have a daughter," as if to convince myself that this was all for real. My husband flipped to the station that played Christmas music already and we set out to go home. I will never forget how I felt at that moment.

My husband said that he felt like he should be driving about 10 miles per hour the whole way home - that made me laugh. Then again, I think I glanced at Brynn 20 times to make sure she was still breathing in her car seat. Soon we were home, my parents had dropped off our dog Neela and helped stay to get us settled. It was so nice to pet my furry dog child- I had missed her so much.

As I type this, Neela is curled up on my lap and my husband is holding Brynn on his. (well a minute before that Neela had been lying on my scandanavian down pillow - back to her old tricks of stealing my pillow!) But for some reason I can't get my mind to stop racing. I can't block out the events that "could have been." To solidify what I already knew - today I learned more of the pathology results of Brynn's placenta. After delivery - they sent the placenta to pathology due to the vasa previa that we didn't know I had until the delivery. Technically Brynn shouldn't be sitting with us here in our living room. Technically, the results of the placenta show a "fetal demise" or a fetal death - even though that clearly did not happen, it technically should have. But Brynn is very alive and somehow still here with us. I just don't know how, or why we've been blessed to have this time with our daughter. What I do know is that I never want to let her out of my sight, and I will cherish every second that we have been given.