Mixed emotions

Brynn decided to try out her new seat the other day and it was met with mixed emotions. At first she clearly did not like it. Next she would smile at me occasionally as I was nearby. Then after several flashes of my camera trying to capture the moment she put her hand up to say, "Please people...no more photos...you'll have to consult with my agent!"I would have to say that both Brynn and I had mixed emotions this week. Monday being my first day back at work after being off for 10 months...(some of you had asked how long I was off). Yup, it'd had been 10 almost 11 months. Almost 7 months of bedrest during my pregnancy with Brynn and then 3 and a half months after she was born. Basically...in the anesthesia world....A LONG TIME. I am so happy to be back at work doing something I love, but all at the same time I hate being back at work. I know that makes absolutely no sense at all. I love having adult conversations and doing something that I went to school for for 7 years. But in the morning I hated getting up at 4AM to pack up my little girl for the day at my parent's house. I hated knowing I was leaving her to go to work when my husband and I have been accustomed to living on just his salary for almost a year. I hated leaving her knowing I was only going to work because I had been off for so long I felt I needed to return so that I didn't lose my anesthesia skills. Basically we're blessed and I hate saying this outloud...but I hate going back to work and leaving her because I don't absolutely have to leave her and go back. It makes me feel selfish. We've altered our lifestyle over the last year because we had to with me being on bedrest for her pregnancy and doing our IVF cycle. Now that we're used to that...I don't absolutely have to work although it makes meeting ends much easier. So every reason I'm returning is because I feel that I need to so I don't get so out of the loop in a techincal field that I feel I can't return when I want to. Basically as I said...it's to make myself feel better that I haven't lost my skills neccessary to do my job. Ugh.

That being said, I'm going to stick with things for now the way we have them planned. This is the eight hour day and the twelve hour day. On our next schedule coming up I have some afternoon, midnight and weekend scheduled so that'll mix things up a bit - hopefully for the good. Last Thursday went a bit smoother at work and I was in a basic OR room again doing hodgepodge stuff like gallbladders, D & C's in the morning and an endoscopic sinus surgery in the afternoon. Thank heavens my managers said she's not going to have me rotate down to the open heart room for a couple of months because they're still getting some of the new grad CRNAs through orientation in there. That makes me feel a ton better about getting back into things slowly. We even had a lady with a terrible airway (Mallampati IV) who was having a laparoscopic tubal ligation and I didn't miss my intubation!

Enough boring work talk...this weekend Brynn turned four months and I can't believe it! I take her to her four month appointment on Wednesday so I figure I'll make that her "Brynn is four months old" post. But she has truly come so far. She's trying to discover her toes this past week and I'm looking forward to the day when she's able to grab them with her pudgy little hands. I've always thought babies were so cute when they did that. Brynn is sleeping so much better at night as well. We still have our night time nanny come the nights before I have to work, but we almost don't really even need anyone now because she's been sleeping so well. That being said, I'm sure I've cursed things, LOL! Brynn also is wanting to eat more and more volume wise so I'm sure these are all good signs of her continued growth. She smiles more each day and is making a wider variety of little baby grunts, coos, and high pitched noices when you talk to her. She follows your face constantly and studies all of your expressions. When I'm either getting ready to breastfeed her or have her bottle in my hand she begins squirming and kicking her legs like, "Yes! It's feeding time at the zoo....bring on the chow, mom!" I love that.

I need to start looking at high chairs for the months down the road. Gulp, I can't believe I'm even thinking about that already. I bought some ice cube trays at Target this weekend for when I start to make some baby food for Brynn. I'm just a planner and like to think ahead. Each day I'm trying to soak in as much "Brynn time" as I can because I'm starting to realize just how quickly they change. I forgot to mention that we took Brynn to the mall for the first time a week ago in her stroller. She absolutely loved being in the stroller and shopping...ahh...maybe she'll be just like her mom someday! Well, I don't enjoy being in the stroller...but I do love some serious shopping of course :-)

Before I end this rambling post...I just wanted to thank Candi at IVFing life who has been with us for most of our journey. She makes me laugh with her silly jokes and yet she makes me want to cry with how proud of her I am. She has overcome so much to be a mom and what a great mom she is. She's never thinking of herself, she's always taking the time to send a kind word someone else's way. She is a fighter, doesn't take no for an answer and would do anything under the sun for her adorable son Carter. She went through heck and a crazy labor to get him here safely, and yet never complains. He's thriving and doing great...and it's all because of her hard work and love for him. So Candi thank you for being a good example and being a girl who can always make me laugh! (Did I say she never has a bad hairday either in any of her photos? It's always perfect :-)