Exhausted

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts for our little girl. She is holding stable for now and gaining a tad bit of weight so that is truly a great thing! The last few days have been a roller coaster. For some reason I'm having some problems with some delayed uterine bleeding. My OB prescribed some methergine that I have been taking the last few days. I'm having some postpartum bleeding and feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. Brynn is being a trooper and trying to gain some weight and I'm trying to hold my own at the same time. I think the reason I feel a little shaky is that my nutritional status hasn't been the greatest since the delivery for the reasons that you already know. I want so much to be there for our little girl, but I feel so exhausted because I'm run down myself. Tomorrow is a whole new day and I can't wait for some new beginnings for us all. We're waiting to see if things slow down or if I need some outpatient surgery so we'll see what Monday brings. So I'm spending most of the last few days pumping and supplementing with some formula for Brynns's feedings. The most important thing right now is that Brynn continues to gain weight and have her renal and liver function tests improve. My stuff can wait a few more days and we're just hanging tight for now I could honestly care less if my stuff needs to take a back seat for a few more days - I just want Brynn to do well, you know? I think it's just a matter of time before we are all home and stable I can't wait for us all to be able to look at our Christmas tree and just lay around an be lazy bums with some Christmas carols playing in the background. That'll be a great day indeed!

A different sort of Thanksgiving

I just wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you so much for keeping Brynn in your thoughts. I'm a big believer in the power of people pulling together good thoughts and good results occurring...so thank you. You are simply the best and I truly mean that. Brynn is pretty stable for moment. Her bilirubin is still high, but could be much higher - so I'm not too concerned with that, it'll improve with time. Her liver function tests show that her liver enzymes are elevated three times as high as they should be so that is a bit more concerning. They'll be repeated over the next couple of days. Also, despite eating well, her weight is a major issue. We're hoping for some good news and a good weight gain by tomorrow when it's checked. Otherwise, they may have to do something more invasive to help Brynn get over the hump. I'm praying that she is a plump little turkey by tomorrow! Please continue to keep her in your thoughts if you get a chance.

This Thanksgiving was so different than how we have spent them in the past. Usually we spend part of the day with my family including grandparents, parents, siblings, niece and nephews at my mom and dad's. Then we travel to Ohio and spend the rest of the day with my husband's family. Instead we spent the day hovering over Brynn the two of us watching her sleep and trying to get her to feed while chatting with her pediatrician earlier in the day. Instead of turkey and homemade feasts made by both families we ate from one of the only restaurants that was actually open for carryout on the holiday. My husband and I grabbed food from National Coney Island - a Detroit favorite and devoured some classics like a chicken hani (mine plain minus my favorite sauce due to my silly fussy stomach, LOL!) greek salad and my husband had his coney dog.


But despite the Thanksgiving being so different than those of the past - I think I spent the day more realizing what it was all about more than I had in any year past. Around lunchtime it hit me like a brick wall how fortunate we have been this year. My husband and I had so much to be thankful for. I am one of the luckiest girls around to be where we are today. Despite some bumps, my pregnancy went so much better than pregnancies go for many people. I have been blessed. Brynn is the reason that I am thankful today. I'm thankful that she has taught me what it is to love to a level I didn't know was possible until recently. And I'm thankful that she has taught me to have a little faith that things really do happen for a reason, even if we don't know what they are.

So although my Thanksgiving didn't involve family dinners, or turkey and stuffing...it was simply the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. And I will not forget the road we've traveled recently and all the blessings along the way.

Please keep Brynn in your thoughts

We went to the pediatrician for a routine weight check on Brynn today and despite eating well she's losing weight and her jaundice has returned. We're on our way back to the hospital to have more lab work done for her and to have things checked out. Her doctor is worried about her renal and liver function and it looks like we might be spending our first Turkey Day with Brynn back in the hospital. So if you would please keep our little girl in your thoughts and prayers I would so appreciate it. Your mom and dad love you a lot little girl! Get well soon because we loved our short time at home all together as a family.

Brynn's second week - roll over little girl!

I feel badly that I've been a bad blogger this past week - it's been a bit of a crazy week at home. Thank you so much for you sweet comments on my last post - I can't wait to catch up and see what is new with everyone else. I finally feel a bit caught up at home where I look forward to doing that tonight :-) My mom had surgery this week on her cervical spine so I spent some time at the hospital with her helping her recover. It was the least I could do for her after she was my shower buddy who helped me with things as simple as washing my hair and to change my gown those last few weeks of my pregnancy when either I was too weak or didn't want to lose an IV site that was difficult to come by. Things are going well - recovery is slow and I need to follow up with my gastroenterologist (GI doctor) but everyday gets better. I think I have actually gained a little bit of weight this week and I definitely don't feel as weak so that is a great thing!


I can't believe Brynn is already two weeks old. She has already started to change in so many ways it's incredible. She makes the most amazing eye contact and she recognizes my voice when I talk to her. It's one of the things I love most. When other people are around, if I talk to her she'll turn her head towards me like - "I know you ....you're my mom!" She has done some crazy things that made her pediatrician shake her head. The other day after giving her a bath, Brynn actually rolled over! She scared herself so badly she burst out crying, and my husband and I looked at each other dumbfounded. Later that day she did it again at her doctor's appointment. Her pediatrician didn't really know what to say. Our little girl might be a tiny peanut, but she's a strong one!


This is Brynn after her first bath all snuggled into her sleeper . Her cord fell off the other day so my husband has declared that our daughter is finally "wireless." Yes, the poor thing will have a corny electrical engineer for a daddy.

We've been taking Brynn to the pediatrician every few days to be weighed and to check how she's developing. This is us in the car ride on the way to her first appointment - she slept the whole way :-) She has been gaining weight like a champ, taking her bottle so much better than she did the first few days. She takes up to an ounce at a time now and I have faith that she'll be up to 5 pounds in no time. Brynn still doesn't quite get the whole breastfeeding concept and instead just falls asleep anytime I try to feed her - typical 34-35 weeker behavior.. So instead, I've been pumping every few hours and giving it to her in a bottle. That seems to work a lot better and she tends to stay awake somewhat for her feedings that way. Our doctor has told us to continue to strip her down for feedings so that she's more awake, and as much as I love the fact that it does work...I feel terrible because I know Brynn hates being unswaddled, LOL! So for now it'll be feeding time in the nude for little Miss Brynn.



(She wasn't too thrilled with having to be naked on the cold scale - but liked being held afterwards a lot better)

Hopefully everyone is having a great week - the kind words and good thoughts will be more appreciated than you ever know. I will always remember the kindness that others have shown us during these last few weeks - including each of you who leave a comment or keep us in your thoughts.

I know that I may sound like I'm crazy or smoking something...but I truly have never been happier in my life. Sometimes when Brynn is crying at 3AM, I look at her and I just smile. I have waited so long for this - she has helped make my life complete.

Home as a family

At long last, after weeks turning into months of being in and out of the hospital - we are finally home at last as a family. After Brynn passed her oxygen saturation car seat test, we were all clear to go home. (at the hospital if the baby is under 5 lbs or before 36 weeks, they must pass a O2 car seat saturation test to make sure that their O2 levels stay up while sitting in the car seat for 45 minutes - mimicking a car ride home situation.) No matter how many times we played with the car seat - it still felt so clumsy placing our little peanut in the seat. But soon we were leaving the parking structure with Brynn in the back seat. I had foolishly told my nurse that I was fine to walk to our car and didn't want a wheelchair since that was an option given to me. After weeks of not eating a regular diet, losing 25 pounds, and being on bedrest - I had to stop 3 times along the way. I think I have been in a bit of denial of the fact that I have a bit of recovery time ahead of me.


Next I was amazed to take my first breath of fresh air in weeks - although I knew it was cold outside - the crispness of the air took my breath away. When I had entered the hospital it was 80 degrees outside. Now there was snow on the ground - typical of our Michigan fall weather. I felt a bit out of place as if time had continued to move forward, while I had been left behind. But soon that was just a distant memory as I glanced at my daughter in her seat and I couldn't help but break out into a smile. Yes, I repeated the phrase in my head. "I have a daughter," as if to convince myself that this was all for real. My husband flipped to the station that played Christmas music already and we set out to go home. I will never forget how I felt at that moment.

My husband said that he felt like he should be driving about 10 miles per hour the whole way home - that made me laugh. Then again, I think I glanced at Brynn 20 times to make sure she was still breathing in her car seat. Soon we were home, my parents had dropped off our dog Neela and helped stay to get us settled. It was so nice to pet my furry dog child- I had missed her so much.

As I type this, Neela is curled up on my lap and my husband is holding Brynn on his. (well a minute before that Neela had been lying on my scandanavian down pillow - back to her old tricks of stealing my pillow!) But for some reason I can't get my mind to stop racing. I can't block out the events that "could have been." To solidify what I already knew - today I learned more of the pathology results of Brynn's placenta. After delivery - they sent the placenta to pathology due to the vasa previa that we didn't know I had until the delivery. Technically Brynn shouldn't be sitting with us here in our living room. Technically, the results of the placenta show a "fetal demise" or a fetal death - even though that clearly did not happen, it technically should have. But Brynn is very alive and somehow still here with us. I just don't know how, or why we've been blessed to have this time with our daughter. What I do know is that I never want to let her out of my sight, and I will cherish every second that we have been given.

Great news all around - happy 1 week!

There's just moments I catch myself looking down at her and minutes go by - she just is literally the light of my life and she takes my breath away.
Although Neela our dog was a great bedrest buddy (she is doing great) - I can't forget that Brynn was my original bedrest buddy and has been with me through it all more than anyone else. Now we can be couch buddies on the "outside" as well!


Most of my CRNA coworkers think that she is the newest member of the OR crew and that she is an anesthetist in the making. Even her hat from the nursery volunteers is too big so it looks like a scrub boufant hat instead. Hmmm....maybe she will be my future little anesthetist? My friend wanted a picture for the anesthesia lounge so that the crew could see their newest honorary member.
Even though Brynn isn't technically that tiny - she still is swims in her preemie sleepers like this one my friend M bought for her.

(Thank you so much for all of the kind comments on the previous post and pictures - it warms my heart to read such kind thoughts) I couldn't be happier - Brynn is maintaining over the 4 and pound mark and taking almost 30ml every three hours for her feedings! Sometimes it takes a long time to get that amount down for her- but I am so proud of our little girl. She is a trooper and doesn't give up, even if it takes her well over a half hour or much longer to feed often. I've just been pumping and giving it to her in a bottle since she seems to like to do everything with my boobs, but the actual feeding, LOL! But I could care less how she eats, just as long as she is eating and gaining weight. Her bilirubin levels are below 8 as well. Best news of all - Brynn and I will both be home at last with my husband and we will get to finally start our life as a family all together at last. Just the way things should be.

Some first pictures

I promise I'll have some words to go along with these pictures soon! But I figured posting a few pictures was more fun than writing all about how she got here. So soon I'll add that info for those of you who care to read along as well. I'm kind of using this as a bit of journaling as well - so if it gets too boring - bare with me, LOL!

Things were a bit busy today - but I'm trying to find the best part of each day since Brynn has been here. Today has been filled with them, but I think the coolest moment of the day was when she finally took a whole 20 ml of breast milk in a bottle that I had pumped for her! A 20 ml feeding for her was so good to experience. Since I lived on a clear liquid diet the whole last month (and was filled with mommy guilt of course) - I always worry about Brynn getting what she needs to eat so she can grow and thrive. So this made me so happy - I'm still grinning! Soon Brynn will be a beefcake leaving the 4 lb range behind her. I just know it. So here's some photos - I'll post some better ones soon.

This is us Friday afternoon after finding out the results of our amniocentesis. The preliminary report came back as immature lungs but the last two values allowed us to just make the cut. We could induce and Brynn would be arriving soon! We couldn't stop smiling.


Next that evening my favorite anesthesiologist came in from home to place my epidural - which I was so grateful for-Best thing of all it worked like a charm.

Brynn came out to join us at 1:13AM with her lungs screaming. It was the best noise I've ever heard.
The NICU team was there to greet Brynn and take good care of her. Luckily she didn't need to be with them for long!
What was going on up on our end of the bed with my OB and myself while the NICU team was with Brynn was so horrific for me to learn and I don't think I can even put it to words yet. In time I can elaborate a bit more. For now - I will leave it as that.

Brynn has done wonderful and to say she is a miracle doesn't even seem enough. As I said - I can explain more, but in time.
Best of all - I have learned a new way in what it means to be thankful. After some crazy months - I finally got to hold Brynn in my arms.
After being with the NICU for a short while - we are all together as a family at last.
Our first family photo where I didn't wear a hospital gown - it was so weird to wear anything else for the first time in weeks.


I promise I'll write more soon. Guess what? Not only is Brynn eating a bit better - but so am I. I can now eat dry cereal - "hello Cheerios!" and even had some applesauce. Life is good. Very good.

Tuesday again

Thanks so much for all of your kind words, prayers and good thoughts on the arrival of our little girl! They are all so appreciated! I'm hoping tomorrow to finally post an quick blurb of how the delivery and birth went to get out little Brynn as well as some pictures I promise. Sorry I haven't been better about updating. Things have been a little hectic and the internet connection not the best. Thanks heavens for Meredith!

Sorry for this quick update - I want to post it before it's lost in the land of the big dark hole of the internet that seem to go with this hospital, LOL! Brynn is doing great - she is able to now stay with us and is not having any problem with breathing at all. Her bilirubin levels have stabilized. Her main challenges continues to be some difficulty with feeding - but even those are truly not that bad at all. We are so grateful for all of the bullets we have dodged with regards to things that appeared during her delivery that did not surface until that time. I'll try to go into more detail tomorrow, along with some photos of our little miracle. I promise!

Pretty much I spend the day pumping and trying to get her to feed, but to see her get down a few ml of fluid and then a few more is so rewarding! I have never been more in love with something that weighs less than 5 pounds and it only grows deeper everyday.

Well, I'm off to pump and catch a little sleep. But once again - thank you so much for all of your good wishes. We are touched beyond words.

Quick Tuesday Update

Meredith here..

Just a quick update. I got a few short texts from Sara yesterday. Brynn is out of the NICU. Sara is eating some and says "life is good." She says getting Brynn to eat is a challenge, but improving.

Keep checking in...

She is here.

From Sara at 4 am this morning:
"Born 4 pounds and doing great."

From Sara at 7am:
"No Breathing problems. Little feeding problem, problem keeping sugar up and temp so in the NICU for a little while. Looks like her Dad. But tries to smile I swear! Happiest day ever!"
"I can't go home till I can eat good and labs are stable. But I already feel better just really weak."
"18 inches and 4 pounds even. Born at 1:13 am. Cute as a button."
"Vasa previa can be life threatening, but we both were fine - we both officially have a guardian angel" (Not sure about what the vasa previa is, but I am sure Sara will fill us in with her infinite medial wisdom:)

I will continue to make updates at Sara's request.... Meredith

IT BEGINS!!!!!!

Just got word from Sara.

She is being induced!! Epidural is in and the pitocin has started!!!

She is absolutely excited. She will soon be...
Holding her baby girl...
and eating solid food!!

Yeah Sara, Yeah!!!
Best of luck and a safe journey for you all!

Update Thursday

Status Quo.
Sara is still hanging in there - still pregnant. The amnio is scheduled for tomorrow. As long as the amnio shows good lung maturity, she will be induced then.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed for perfect results!
Meredith

Update Monday

I spoke with Sara for a bit this afternoon, so I will do the best I can to recall our conversation. She is still stalled at 3cm. Apparently Perinatologists have to follow certain guidelines before administering drugs that induce labor, which is what Sara needs to get the ball rolling. Things like a broke bag of waters, dilation past 4 cm or an amnio that proves lung maturing would each do the trick. And she is on the cusp of each, just not there yet.

At this time she is managing with contractions much like she has had for weeks. She has found some pain relief that works for her and has even been allowed some water, jello and broth. She sounds like she is managing the anticipation and frustration like a champ.

The plan for now is to do the amnio in the next 2-3 days (I think. The exact time line for this seemed unclear.) As long as the amnio looks good, they can start her on the meds to induce.

Hang in there Sara!!!

Meredith

Update Sunday

Another update from Sara via text this afternoon about 4:30...

Cerclage out.
Stalled at 3cm.
Water not broke but membranes stripped.
Lost mucus plug.
Needs amnio done first to show lung maturity before MFM will allow use of meds to induce.
Amnio is scheduled.

In her usual upbeat self she ended her text with, "Very happy still and excited!"

If she's still happy and excited, well then so am I. Hopefully more details will come tomorrow. I will update AS SOON as I hear anything.
Meredith

Update - This is it!

This is Meredith posting for Sara as I get text messages from her. Latest news: the cerclage came out at 4am this morning. She is 3 cm dilated and EXCITED!!

I'll continue to post as word comes through.

GOOD LUCK SARA!!!!!