What's on your label?

Lately I feel like I've regressed. As kids in school, other kids were
always labeling one another. In elementary school I was labeled the
tall girl. In high school I guess I would have been labeled a jock
since I played a sport every season. I went to a Catholic school and
since I was boring and didn't really get into trouble, I was also
labeled "Sister Sara." That one was a little unfounded...I wasn't that
innocent! I also was probably a nerd since I was valedictorian (not that this means anything, trust me!) and my two good friends were co-salutatorians. Then came college and my sorority was Tri -Sig.ma so I was called a "sigma girl." After I graduated as a nurse, every time I signed a chart at work I have to follow it with RN for legal reasons. Later that changed to CRNA when I went to anesthesia school. Yet it's still a label after my name every time I sign it at work. Sometimes when I'm at the bank I forget and add CRNA or RN after my name since I'm so used to signing it that way everyday at work!

Over the last year since I've been seeing my fertility doctor I've
accumulated some additional labels. When you check out after an appointment, the billing receipt you get to take home that explains the reason for that day's visit has several boxes that can be checked. After looking at those boxes more carefully, you quickly realize you'd rather not fit into any of them. Some include habitual aborter, endometriosis, oligomenorrhea, infertility female tubal, premature ovarian failure, polycystic ovaries, uterine abd. septum or bicornuate, etc. Until lately, I didn't fit into any of them. I always had the "other" box checked that had a line where you could write something in. Mine was always "other" -unicornuate uterus. I didn't get to fit into the neat mullerian abnormality - bicornuate, etc that was listed. I was "other." My doctor said that they didn't list unicornuate since they only have a couple every now and then since only 1 in 6000 women have a unicornuate.

Then came two weeks ago. I was leaving their office and I noticed a new box was checked on my chart. I actually got excited because I thought it would say "pregnant." I'm so stupid...instead the new label I acquired was "threatened spontaneous abortion." Yikes. I guess that's what early bleeding in pregnancy gets you. When you continue to have bleeding in early pregnancy for more than one week, I guess you get another new label "severely threatened spontaneous abortion." That is exactly what was checked on my chart at my last visit.Hmmmm . Somehow I like the labels of my past a little better. Jock, nerd, or the tall girl doesn't
quite seem as scary as severely threatened spontaneous abortion.

So for now, I just continue to wait (and plead and hope?) I have an
appointment with my OB doctor on Wednesday to set up a monitoring schedule with him and the maternal fetal medicine doctor, especially cervix checks due to my uterus. I'll have to make my little list of questions so I don't miss anything. My weekend was pretty good. Friday we had dinner with friends and saw their kids and played some games. It was really relaxing which was exactly what I needed. Saturday was low key, and yesterday Irecerted my ACL.S for work - major boring but something you have to do every two years. Today my excitement will be laundary and catching up on Des.perate Housewives and Bro.thers and Sis.ters since I fell asleep at 8pm last night! If you get a chance and have any experience with gestational diabetes Farah is looking for some input and support.

Seven week ultrasound

Today I had a seven week ultrasound and exam at the RE's office. I was at work, ran down from the OR and met my husband by the fountain in our hospital lobby. He had cut out of work for a little while since he definitely wanted to be there. We then went down the nearby hall to the RE's office. When I got there, my doctor and favorite nurse looked a little somber when we went into the dildo cam room (aka transvaginal U/S. They told me once again that they were concerned due to all of the bleeding I had over the last week. But once the scan was visible on the screen they were all smiles and I knew things were A-okay for now. "Spot" as we have been calling our little one was jumping around on the screen with a nice rapid heartbeat! No subchorionic hematoma noted either...double bonus! There still isn't any detailed explanation for the bleeding, but as long as things continue to progress on my
ultrasounds and exams, then that is all we can do for now. I still
continue to have some red bleeding with some decent cramping every few
days or so, so we're definitely not out of the clear yet, but I'll take
a good ultrasound with a heartbeat to bring a smile to my face! They
said that when a person has excessive bleeding and cramping like I have
had there's up to a 50% chance that there will be a first trimester
miscarriage. But they also said that each day that passed decreases
that risk. Being around crazy medical stats all day at work and seeing
them be wrong more often than right, I'm just going to ignore that
particular stat for now. Instead I'm just going to be happy that we are
at the seven and a half week mark.

I think the best part of the day was the look of shock and then relief on my husband's face when they called him over to look at the ultrasound screen. I don't think I've ever seen him more nervous in my life, or more relieved. Now that I'm more relaxed I can actually figure out what to get for dinner. I'm thinking of ordering from our favorite Mexican restaurant. Since we're less than a mile away, they will actually deliver to our house. How lazy am I? I'm leaning towards some portabella mushroom quesedillas that are a little different and way yummy. Thanks again for all of your support and well wishes! I just wanted to say congrats to one of my fellow F-ed up uterus cohorts "uterus divided" who had a good ultrasound today as well. I'm glad things turned out well! (blogger seems to be screwing up my spacing...I'm not sure what's up with that :-)

Thankfully just one more day

Last night I actually went into work for an 8 hour afternoon shift. It was so nice to get back to some sense of normalcy again. My bleeding and cramping have not been too bad the last few days, so I got the okay to try a day back at work. I was up in L & D last night and it was quiet thank heavens - only a few epidurals to do and one C-section. This working only three - eight hour shifts a week is so odd, it feels like I'm home all the time. I actually think a girl could get used to this :-)

I am so thankful that there is just one more day until my ultrasound. I think I'll start feeling a lot better once I am able to see a heartbeat. Normally I wouldn't be so worried, but with all of the lovely bleeding and cramping I've had since last week, I haven't exactly gotten the warm fuzzies that everything is A-okay. There are so many things I would like to do that revolve around starting to enjoy this pregnancy, but until I see that little blip on the ultrasound screen that's a heartbeat - I'm afraid to do any of them. I'll update tomorrow how it goes, but not until later in the day since I'm planning on working tomorrow if all is still going well. I'll just jet downstairs from the OR to my RE's office which is really convenient. For that, I've been really lucky.

Our weather here in Michigan has actually been gorgeous for several days now, 70's and sunny. This is really unusual for this time of year for us. The good thing is that I think it has really helped to lift my mood even more since I'm now seeing sunshine outside my windows (which I can actually open now OMG!)instead of snow. My doggie puts her nose up to the window and sniffs, she inhales the fresh air like it places some sort of doggie trance over her. It's pretty cute to watch.

If you love entering contests for free stuff, check out my good friend Pauline's blog. The really cool thing is that she has separate contests for dog and cat lovers, as well as separate ones for baby stuff. So if you just like to enter animal contests you can. You can enter to win cute free name tags or even a free weekend at an upscale boarding place for your pet. The really cool thing is that you have a good chance of winning. I've even won before, and I usually don't win anything at all! If you want to venture into babyland, scroll down one blog entry and there are some really cool free things being given away as well.

Anyways, as always...thanks for sharing my crazy last few weeks. You guys are simply the best. What would I do without you?

Mr Zamboni man where are you?

Zambonis">

Being from Michigan, hockey has always been a pretty popular topic. In high school, our school hockey team was pretty good. They won the state championship a few years and my friends and I always went to the games. The guy who ran the zamboni was extremely cute. My friends and I would always try to position ourselves close to the ice so we could gawk and get a good look at him, it was always the highlight of the night whether we won or lost!

Lately, I've kind of been wishing that I could find that zamboni man again. Not because I'm in need of some hot male eyecandy (I have my husband for that :-) but rather I could use someone to smooth out the rough spots in my life. I yearn for a pregnancy to be as smooth as the ice after the zamboni has passed over leaving a glistening path behind. I somehow don't think that this is going to be the case.

I'm proud to report that my spotting had stopped. Stopped for a day. It was quickly replaced by actual bleeding, and then as of Friday night, some lovely cramping as well. This continued through part of the day yesterday as well. My doctor's office has seen me and reported that despite all this...all is well...for now. They're just going to continue to monitor things. Together, the office and I have decided that I'll be cutting back my work hours from 40 to 24 (3 eight hour shifts) when I am feeling good enough to go in. I say together because my RE asked what I felt comfortable doing..I said three eights and he said that sounded reasonable as long as I was not having a crazy amount of bleeding or cramping. I also ran into my normal OB doc at the hospital Friday and while we were talking about things he revealed that his wife had experienced the same things as I was having. He said that often people who are spotting and bleeding are the same people who have it frequently throughout their first trimester. Yet as long as ultrasounds and exams are within normal and I am taking it easy...that is all we can do for now. He reassured me that this can happen and you can still have good outcome. We both know that sometimes people do not, but we didn't spend much time dwelling on that because we both knew that was Captain Ob.vious. Thursday I have another ultrasound and appointment.

Only one more day...then I'll be seven weeks pregnant. I hope that maybe just maybe my zamboni man will reappear and smooth out a path for me, I could sure use one. Even though it'll only be seven weeks, I've already grown quite found of the little bugger that my husband and I call "Spot." Spot because right now he or she is so little on that ultrasound screen that's all that I can make out.

So for now I guess it's just one day at a time. Each day I'm thankful that we're one step closer to the next appointment, or the next week milestone. Next weekend we might get together for a game night with some friends and my husband is eagerly looking forward to the football draft that same day. It's these little things getting us through right now, the little things that make us feel "normal" when nothing else seems quite in place. I'm so thankful to have those "normal" things, and some really nice comments from you all along the way!

From OHS.S to spotting?

( picture by Emily Reed)

Alright, I'm kind of starting to think someone is playing a joke on me. My appointment on Monday went well. My OHS.S is definitely clearing up, thank heavens! I thought it was since I dropped three pounds in a day. I had an ultrasound and we were just shy of 6 weeks, so we saw a gest sac and a yolk sac. We weren't able to see a heartbeat yet, but my doctor reassured me that this was completely normal since it was so early still. I would have felt better if we saw one, but I go back next week so hopefully we'll see one then :-) My RE gave me the A-okay to resume some normal "light" activities so I was even planning on going in to work for a few hours Tuesday. Life was starting to get back to normal.

Then on Tuesday morning I woke up and saw some spotting. My heart stopped. We were officially 6 weeks then and although it is still so so early, I didn't want my worst fears confirmed. I know spotting in the first trimester can happen often, yet for someone who has just ran the IVF marathon, and then did OHS.S for an hon cour, I honestly just didn't have much more ompff and fight in me left. My thoughts immediately went back to the day of my transfer. That day I got home and started having some spotting, and within an hour it was full out bleeding that lasted for a few days. Dear heavens, is that what would happen now? I know many women lose their children in the first trimester, it happens all the time - it's just another sad fact of life. But please not me not now, not after all we'd been through. I was pleading franctically in my head, but I didn't even realize what I was pleading for. Perhaps I think I was pleading more for some peace of mind even more than pleading for the spotting not to turn into a full blown miscarriage.

I guess it worked, whatever it was because as soon as the spotting had started it stopped. I still called off work for the day to ward off evil repeat performances which would have claimed much more of my sanity than just charging another admission fee to view another episode of the hellish performance once again. I also called my doctor's when they opened, and they reassured me this was okay as long as it didn't increase and that they would check back later. So I guess the bumpy ride continues, maybe we'll have some smooth sailing next week?

Despite all this, I'm truly trying to start enjoying this pregnancy. With the help of some great family and friends I think at some point in time that will really be possible. Just wanted to say thanks too for all of you who have checked in an offered some support with a nice comment or two, it really makes all of this a lot easier! So thanks again!

Adventures with OHS.S continued

Well I'm partaking in day two of my OHS.S weekend marathon. I woke up early to return to my RE's for some repeat labs, exam and a repeat beta. They gave me good and bad news. Good news is that my repeat beta came back at 3000! They were expecting 1500, so that's great to hear. Bad news is that my swelling is not really going down. According to my ovary size and fluid I'm been upgraded to moderate OHS.S (I guess they said there is mild, moderate, and severe). I've always been an overachiever, but moderate is definitely as far as I want to travel on this surprise journey. Last night I had drank and received fluid but I still was only producing this dark brown urine - yuck. Too much info I know. My abdomen is still pretty sore, but I think is actually better since yesterday. My labs say I'm hemoconcentrated (I expected that), but at least my BUN and Creatine are normal so my kidneys are hanging in there A-okay. Once again, this late onset OHS.S is still new to me, I was more familiar with the early onset type. From last weekend I'm up about 15lbs due to all the fluid leaking into my abdomen, take that for some first trimester weight gain!

I have more lab work. Then Monday I get another ultrasound and exam with my RE to reevaluate what's going on. Of course if anything worsens, I'm to let them know right away. So until then I've been told not to move my butt from the couch. Tonight my husband and I watched G.one Baby Go.ne, Amer.ican Gangster, and Cra.sh. All were pretty good. The bed rest thing is fun for about a half a day, but now I'm getting antsy. My husband and I were laughing because I'm only 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and this is already the second time they put me on bed rest. (if you count the three days post transfer) If this little one decides to stick around, hopefully the rest of my time will be a lot more boring. Boring would be wonderful right now. Despite this little unplanned excursion, I can honestly say I've never felt more blessed in my entire life!

Soapchick has just transferred two embryos today and is her two week wait, so if you get a chance stop by and wish her luck, she really deserves a great outcome. Well, I'm off to find something to do other than watch movies, maybe I should read some of the eight books I have that are unread on my shelf. That should help pass some time!

Gee, you already have a little bit of a belly! (OH.SS)

Over the last few days I've noticed that I have been gaining a lot of weight in my abdomen. I found this a little strange since I've been really nauseated and haven't been eating all that much. I've just been trying to drink a lot of fluids, and take my vitamins, etc. Well, yesterday by the time I got home from work I looked like I was about 5 months pregnant. I knew something was wrong. My husband while we were making dinner mentioned, "I don't want to say anything stupid, but you look like you already have a little bit of a belly. That's so cool. I love it!" I quickly realized that I wasn't imagining things, I was retaining a lot of fluid, and despite my husband's loving approval of a pregnant belly that he has waited so long to see - something was definitely not right. So I went up to weigh myself and I was up 12-15lbs since the weekend, and I have not been eating as much as normal! Uh-oh!

Long story short, I actually have not been feeling bad otherwise, other than "the bloat." After my transfer, I had all that problem with bleeding, but not excessive bloating too badly. In other words, the two weeks following my transfer passed without a wink of OH.SS. I went to work this morning, and when my RE's office opened I stopped in. My favorite nurse took one look and said, yup you have late onset OH.SS that starts once you're pregnant and is exacerbated by pregnancy due to the surge of hormones. I had lab work drawn, CBC, lytes, coags, and LFTs. I then had a breakfast date with the dildo cam aka transvaginal ultrasound, and an external ultrasound. I then go to see my doctor's partner for a quick exam. I have some mild to moderate OH.SS. I have fluid in my abdomen, around my ovaries, and my ovaries are about three times as big as they should be. Good thing is that the fluid hasn't traveled up to my liver, lungs or heart. Yay! Although I definitely would be having more significant symptoms if it had traveled in those delicate regions. I have been having some leg cramps, and some pain in my abdomen. Yet I had chalked it up to the little bit of cramping that they said was normal in early pregnancy after IVF. I guess the cramping was dehydration since all the fluid I was drinking was going in my abdomen, and the pain was not pregnancy cramps, but rather late onset OH.SS. I did not realize that OH.SS could rear it's ugly head three weeks after transfer, when no symptoms were present two weeks post transfer.

I got some fluid at the office, and was told to go home from work and take it easy for the weekend - "somewhat modified bedrest" according to them, whatever that means. I have to go back tomorrow for repeat labs and a third beta. Then Monday I have another date with the dildo cam and his friend the external ultrasound, as well as my follow up IVF appointment with my RE. If things are improving I might be allowed to go back to work later in the week for some shorter shifts, but they said I "would have to wait and see." Augh...I hate not being able to go to work, I am a weirdo that actually likes my job. The good part of the day was that during my experience with the dildo cam I got to see a single yolk sac with a dot inside with some shadowing around the entire sac, perhaps a second one? Now at least I know that something is in there! Part of my worrying has subsided. I was getting worried (what else is new) that I would go in monday and they would see a sac with nothing in it, now I know something is there! My favorite nurse seemed pretty excited about it, so I got excited too!

So I guess I get another quite evening at home. I sure am glad we signed up for Ne.tflix last month. I'm sure getting my use out of them. My doggie is delighted that I came home early from work. Right now we're settled on the couch snuggling with my favorite pillow and La.nds E.nd blanket. My husband will be home a little early from work, as usual he's been great about everything!

If you get a chance stop by my friend Pauline's blog. She is a free lance writer who writes for several magazines, newspapers, and online resource sites. She has a very good link from her blog entry from yesterday to an article she wrote about how to evaluate online resource sites when researching health info for you and your family - which advice to take away from internet sites and which ones to pass up on. She too has had her struggles with infertility in the past. So go over, say hi, leave a comment if you wish, or just check out a couple of interesting articles she has written recently for Baby Goo.roo.

Second beta is great!

I was going to post earlier, but I just got home from work. I was a 16 hour shift today and should have been home by 10pm, but things were crazy. The best part of the day was when my cell phone rang at lunchtime and it was the RE's office saying my second beta was 700. Yay...sigh of relief. Maybe the sky isn't falling after all! And even better yet, unlike Friday my cell phone didn't drop my call! Thanks again for all of your support..next hurdle up is ultrasound on Monday. But suddenly I'm feeling a little bit better. Still far from normal, but that's okay.

Is my sky falling?

Since I got the results of my beta last Friday, I been having some pretty mixed emotions. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but I'm having a little trouble allowing myself to enjoy this life changing news. You see, I feel like chic.ken litt.le waiting for the sky to fall. Except instead of the sky falling, I'm waiting for all of this to be stripped away. We've waited 30+ cycles for this, months of heartache, and I had actually just gotten to the point where I fully believed we would never have our own child. Then this...a nurse saying...yes you're pregnant. Yet what was followed was the actual words from my RE's office...yes you're pregnant, but you have several hurdles ahead..you had a significant amount of bleeding post transfer and due to your unicornuate uterus (which is associated with up to a 60% miscarriage rate...yup that's 60% - gulp). I wanted to scream back..yes I know all of this... I am already worried. She didn't have to tell me to worry, I already know what could be ahead. Just please let me be happy about trying to get pregnant for once. The rest of my life has been so blessed...almost picture perfect. Great job, great husband, family and friends..cute doggie...perfect. Except trying to get pregnant...no happy warm feelings there...nothing has been perfect about that.

Yet until I get a rising second beta Tues morning on my lab draw I truly feel like chi.cken li.ttle waiting for the sky to fall down on me and this pregnancy. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I'm afraid of looking to see what I could find. Luckily there has been nothing so far. Sure I have been feeling a few pregnancy symptoms, butI think I'll need a rising beta and a good ultrasound a week from today to make me feel like maybe, just maybe this thing that wasn't supposed to work might just have a chance of sticking around. So if you get a chance, please have some good thoughts for tomorrow morning...and keep your fingers crossed.

Despite all of this, I'm happy. I may truly be the most happy I've felt in a long time. A couple of people Erin and Sully and Mel are in the long never ending two week waits from their embryo transfers or IUIs so go over and give them a hello..and maybe some imput on how to stay sane. I'm sure they would appreciate it. After all I am so grateful for all the sanity you guys have brought me~

The long awaited (dreaded?) beta is in from IVF #1

Well, I woke up this morning and began by washing my hair with conditioner instead of shampoo...no biggie...I'm not that vain. Then I quickly got ready and hopped in my car, drove to the office and had my lab drawn. My favorite lab lady was there M. Then I decided what the heck could I do for three to four hours while I waited? I got in my car..wasted some time at Tar.get, and went to the mall...bought some clothes of course. By now as I was driving home, I was so anxious I thought I might accidentally veer off and hit a tree or something. The sanity was slipping away to a point of no return I feared. Finally what seemed like an eternity I got home and played with my doggie for a little while.

Before I knew it, my phone was ringing...it was my RE's office, I almost dropped the phone. It was my favorite nurse K. She said "Hi Sara, it's K. for Dr. M.'s office. I have the results of your beta." Then silence..silence so much that I finally said..."Hello?" There was nothing...my cell phone had dropped her call.....Are you flipping kidding me? Well actually what I was muttering out loud was much more creative..and had a string of words I probably shouldn't type. I waited a second and called their office. The line was busy. Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?

Finally, which seemed like forever (actually it was like a minute or two)...she called my cell back. Long story short... My beta was 105 and I'm pregnant! I can't believe that this IVF worked...the IVF that they wanted to cancel up to two days prior...the IVF cycle that they said okay we can go ahead and do it...but you may not have any embryos make it to day three since you have so few..are you sure you want to still do this. I'm so glad we took a chance and said yes.

I called my husband....he was in a meeting...but was so excited. He said he would be home in "a little while." Thank goodness it's Friday! I have to go back in for a repeat beta on Tuesday...I guess they repeat theirs in four days...not two like some offices. I'm excited, but feeling so cautious as well...I just want that number to rise...rise please! Thanks again for all of your kind words, encouragement and helping me keep my sanity! Right now I'm still in disbelief. I keep thinking that they must have given me some other girl's results...because I'm not the girl who gets pregnant...I can't even quite say the words....I'm pregnant. Maybe someday soon. For now...I'll just have to think the words in my head...since saying them aloud is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Tomorrow I actually find out my beta

Well...I'm excited and scared because tomorrow morning I'll go in for my lab draw to see if this IVF worked...I think I should hear around lunch time or so. I'm not sure how I feel right now..maybe a little more positive than the days before..but maybe that's due to all the kind words..and the encouragement. Either way...I'm just glad we were able to get this far. Thanks again for all of you kind words...it sure means a lot.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Thanks for all of your kind words lately...and a happy April Fool's Day! Yesterday work was a pretty good day. I spent the majority of the day doing laparoscopic gallbladders or an appendix. I think we took out pretty much everyone's gallbladder or appendix in southeast MI who needed it removed. I don't think I've done that many lap choleys or lap appys in one day! But to my relief, those are really nice cases, take around an hour, and aren't very stressful. I even got home around 11pm and my husband was still up so I got to say goodnight to him before we both drifted off to sleep. Tonight I think I'll catch up on How I M.et your Mother and Big B.ang Theory that I recorded on DVR last night..plus Big Bro.ther is on. So all in all a pretty good TV night too! My husband loves Big B.ang Theory since it's a comedy about science nerds...gee maybe because we can relate?

Still no signs on the pregnancy front. I'm sure I'll test maybe tomorrow or Thursday before my beta on Friday. However I was wondering...does anyone know of someone who has gotten a negative on a home pregnancy test post IVF and then gotten a positive by lab draw beta? In other words..if I test on Wed or Thurs and it's negative...is there any hope that I could still get a positive lab draw on Friday? I figure if I hear of a story of someone who did this...it'll give me hope if I see a big old negative on the pee stick in the next couple of days. That's why I've held off testing...I don't want to be disappointed anymore than the way I'm already feeling. Oh the wonderful world of IVF...what a crazy ride. I don't remember signing up for this. I guess that this is one of those lovely journeys that we don't get to choose, but rather chooses us. I'm just not sure why this pesky IVF journey choose me, doesn't it know I'm a wimp? Surely it could have picked a little stronger candidate to finish out this path.