Giving in, just a little

So lately I've had to learn a few new lessons. Most tend to gravitate around giving up a little bit of control in my life. For a self diagnosed control freak with some slight OCD tendcies, to say it hasn't been easy is the understatment of the century. Here's a picture of my husband and I driving to Kro.ger to do some grocery shopping this week after he got off of work. (He took the picture himself at a stop light, hence the odd angles.) Since I have been forbidden under penalty of the threat of a lashing by all around me (most importantly my OB and Peri) to push or pull things like grocery carts, hospital carts with patients, or lift anything over 5-10lbs these days I have had to re-adjust the way I do things. Simple things like a trip to get stuff for dinner involves planning, coordinating with my husband's work schedule if it's midweek, and overrall being a little more organized to avoid unneccessary running around.

The whole time of the almost six years we've been married, we've pretty much stuck to our set ways when it comes to dividing up household activites. I can count on one hand how many times I have taken out trash, or he has grocery shopped because we're each used to doing "our things." Part of why I have even been going with him to do stuff like grocery shopping, or have him help me do some stuff around the house is as much to help out later, as well as now. I guess we kind of look at it like training someone to replace you at work, while you're still there to do some of it- with the hopes of an easier transition later on? It seems a bit odd I know.

I have always partially expected that when I got pregnant, later on in the pregnancy I may have some restricted activity and not be able to do all the things I like to, or even do on a boring daily routine. But I didn't think I would have to be so dependant on others already this early at the 10 week mark. At work, I usually have to be assigned to places like L & D which doesn't involve pushing a patient's cart in and out of the OR, but rather just involves epidurals. Or if I am in the OR, my manager has been assigning a CRNA student to be with me for the day, so that they can help move patients from a cart to the OR table, or to and from recovery and preop. I guess I feel like I've had a loss of control over certain things. I know things could be so much worse, I could be 20 some or 30 some weeks on hospital bedrest. I just worry that if I'm 10 weeks with a lot of restrictions, what will 20 or even 30 weeks be bringing? Does anyone have one of those nifty crystal balls I could borrow that you can see the future in? I promise I will return as soon as I'm done using it and I'll even polish it up a bit for you!

I should have known this wouldn't be a typical pregnancy straight from the start, but I think I still hung onto some hope that maybe just maybe once I saw those magic double lines of a HPT, or got that dramatic phone call from a nurse a switch would flip. Suddenly, I would just be a pregnant woman like any other. Infertility, IVF, and other phrases would be tossed under the carpet never to be thought of again. But when I look back and realize that two nurses, a RE, and two coworkers were there at the moment our child was conceived - life including this pregnancy would never quite be normal again. Or even looking further back to last year when I had my HSG and my doctor told me I had a unicornuate uterus. My reply was, oh those are pretty common right? He said "no not exactly, I may get one here and there but it's only about 1 in 6000 women." Things would never quite be the same again, including tossing any thoughts of having a completely normal pregnancy out the window.

But I've decided I can go about this one of two ways. I can sit and sulk and imagine the worst. I can complain about everything I can't do right now, the lack of feeling like I'm having a normal pregnancy, the thought that I'm missing out on things, and the self loathing that I feel could start to creep in. Or, I guess I can give in a little. I can try to accept that my husband can do things as good as I can (with a little help) since he is willing to do whatever is needed right now without complaining. I can start to lean on the support system around me, that has always been there, even though I've shunned any form of help in the past due to perhaps being the control freak I am. I can think that if I'm fortunate to make it to 20 or 30 weeks that I am so blessed, and therefore who the heck cares what it brings.

But I have to be realistic, it's going to take a little work to completely flip to that positive mindset. But I realize it's something I have to do and must do. I've never been a complainer, nor will I be one now. But it's defintely going to be a learning process for me, and unfortunately for all around me as well, hee hee! So bear with me in my ramblings as I make the transition. Every now and then I may revert, but I'm going to have to change my ways to see this whole pregnancy thing out to the end. My main motivation? The crazy surreal idea, that after all this I may actually get to take home a little one if things go well. That's the big goal, the big prize, the little miracle we've been waiting years for. I think I can make some adjustments to make that happen, to complain about them just seems absurd when you look at it that way. But honestly guys, I wasn't joking...where can I find one of those little crystal ball things? Certainly one of you must have one!