Stuck, why can't I move forward?

Lately I've been feeling stuck. Stuck about what to say here, that's why I haven't blogged as much lately. Stuck in our process of moving on with my amazing friend and our gestational carrier journey aka "Operation Give Brynn a Sibling." The whole feeling of stuck makes me want to stick my tongue out like Brynn does often. ( I was looking at photos from last month and saw this one...made me smile : - ) Just a short while ago we seemed so ready to charge ahead with the process. We ever had that good meeting with our RE and started the testing process. But then....stuck. My husband and I for various reasons just aren't ready to complete this journey that we started with my friend M yet. We still want to add to our family in this way with M, we still want to use our frozen embryo kiddos that we have from our first IVF cycle, we still want more than one child. But because I'm stuck...we won't be doing a transfer this month or next.

I have to say that the very fact that I feel a bit stuck does scare me a bit. I'm not sure if it's just jitters, cold feet, or what. I completely want to do this amazing process that the most wonderful friend is giving us the gift of opportunity to do. I just wasn't ready to do it this month or next. Of course M is amazing and is okay with not doing this now. We all would like to do this fairly soon, at a time that works for both families of course. But I'm stuck. I hate to keep typing that. But it is so true....so stuck.

Growing up at my small Catholic school they didn't teach you about this in sex ed, there were no videos that discussed adding to your family other than the traditional way. I feel like we're venturing into an area that is far from traditional. I feel like I've wandered off the yellow brick road and that we're not quite in Kansas anymore. When taking your marriage prep classes at our church they kind of left out the discussion about using a gestational carrier - or any type of infertility reproductive medicine for that matter. What I think I'm trying to do is realize that we might kind of have our own yellow brick road to travel upon. That I might not be the typical Dorthy and that not everyone has to fit in all neat and traditional or Kansas - like. (No offense to the state of Kansas, we're only talking hypothetical Wizard of Oz talk LOL!)

So if anyone has any words of advice on how I can stumble back onto that darn yellow brick road and get "unstuck" so I can get on with this journey of adding to my family....I'm all ears.
In the meantime, I'll be teaching Brynn how to nicely play with her doggie so that no one gets hurt, LOL!

Mobile action

Wow I've been a bad blogger...a very bad blogger indeed! A real post is coming soon I promise. This afternoon I'm just chasing this little one who is all of the sudden very mobile, 10 months and well over 15lbs. Getting so fast you're leaving me in the dust. Gosh girl, we love you!

Why did I buy maternity jeans?

Today I was going through some clothes trying to separate some for Good.will and to find some more room for what I wanted to keep. At the bottom of one pile was a pair of maternity jeans. To be honest they stopped me cold in my tracks. Last spring I had spent hours scouring for the perfect pair of maternity jeans - ones that would be long enough (I'm 5'11) and ones that didn't look like.... well....maternity jeans. I think I was around 10 weeks pregnant when I bought them. Far enough into my pregnancy to feel comfy that I was almost out of the first trimester danger zone. Yet before everything changed around 12 weeks. Before I needed my cerclage and before I knew I would spent much of my second trimester and all of my third in the hospital. I had bought them before I was pregnant enough to wear them, but by the time I was pregnant enough to wear them I was either in the hospital or had lost so much weight from getting sick at the end that I never got to wear them. I glanced down, they still had the tags on them.

My thoughts went forward a bit and I realized that I hadn't worn them during the time when we were expecting our first child and even if we are blessed enough to be expecting a second child someday....I won't be wearing them then either. It felt so odd. In the months leading up to our IVF I would secretly stare into the maternity stores when I went shopping and dream of the days that I could join the ranks of the pregnant moms to be shopping for bargains - or splurging on that one perfect piece. So when our IVF worked, I think that is why I found such joy in buying these jeans to begin building my perfect maternity wardrobe. But it quickly became a wardrobe that I never got to wear. My maternity wardrobe instead grew to consist of a hospital gown and the IVs that delivered me my nutrition to feed my growing daughter along with some jello thrown in. That is why those maternity jeans with the tag on them still make me feel odd. Not sad...just odd. And as we make plans in the months ahead to add to my family - those maternity jeans won't be a part of that process either. And to be honest at times that makes me feel odd too. Not sad, just odd.

Maybe someday part of us having a family and all the things we're doing to get there won't seem odd - but rather will feel a bit more normal. So until then I've just shoved those maternity jeans to the bottom of the closet again until I'm ready accept that things will never quite be normal for us. Someday I'll realize that's okay...I'm not quite there just yet...but I'm working on it. And I think I'm finally getting closer. And that's a great feeling.

Nine month appointment

This past week Brynn had her nine month appointment at the doctor. All in all it was a good appointment. They went over the normal growth and development and asked what she was doing, eating, etc. Her height was around 27 inches which correlated with her noggin (head, lol!) and was in the 25% adjusted. Brynn actually sat on the baby scale instead of lying down on it like she had been content at doing in appointments past and seemed to be a bit more mellow for her weigh in. She weighed in at 14lbs 15 oz for her nine month mark. She's not yet on the growth curve for weight but has made some good progress from her previous visits. Her pediatrician and I went over some good high calorie food options for her to continue on like her whole milk baby yogurt, avacados, etc. Also we went over the amount of breastmilk that she was taking which was easy to figure out since I'm exclusively pumping these days and supplementing with formula at night time. (As I mentioned she officially gave up the breastfeeding game a while back.) She didn't see her cardiologist at that appointment but her regular pediatrician thought that things we continuing to go well (more accelerated weight gain, no increase in the circumoral blueness with feeding, no increase in the amount of murmer heard upon listening to her heart.) So these are all very good things!

We went over sippy cups, crawling, finger foods and all the normal stuff that are the big activities for this age. Her doctor asked if she had some signs of separation anxiety or stranger anxiety. She said that those are actually healthy things at this age and show a good bond between parents and their children. I had to giggle though because Brynn seems to love everyone she meets and doesn't really cry when we leave her with my mom or a sitter. But then again - maybe it just means she's going to be a social butterfly :-) She has tried to crawl more and more these days, mostly Brynn just army crawls or rolls to where she wants to go. She gets up on all fours and rocks, but doesn't make much traditional crawling style. That's okay with me though...she still gets where she wants to go. Brynn is pretty good at picking up Cheerios and banana chunks but doesn't like to put them in her mouth. She'll grab several in each hand and then open her mouth like a baby bird wanting you to feed her, LOL! She's trying to start to use her sippy cup - not too successful...but at least she's interested in trying. Right now I just put water in it sometimes and breast milk at others. What's in in doesn't seem to matter to her, it just depends on her mood for the day.

Her doctor asked what her favorite toys or TV shows were, as well as how much television she watched. She actually laughed when I said that one of the only main shows that Brynn seems to like is Big Brother, especially when Kevin the one character talks! What can I say, the baby has good taste :-) She still also loves her ring set, her sea horse glo- worm at bedtime and her real life puppy dog Neela. Brynn especially shrieks with delight when we play fetch with Neela and she returns the dog toy to us. On certain moments Neela will actually bring the toy back to Brynn which I just think is the cutest thing.

Well it's back to Big Brother and then off to bed. 4:30AM comes around pretty quickly for work!

Happy belated nine months

Happy nine months little girl, you have given us the best nine months ever and we love you so much! I've been working the last few days and couldn't post a better update - but I promise we'll do it soon! (Photo was taken by a coworker in our backyard recently)

First appointment at the RE for round two

Well last Thursday was our first appointment with our RE for round two. M dropped off her two younger kiddos at our house and my other friend watched M's two little ones and Brynn. When we arrived at the office, M kept joking with me about all the pictures of babies that are in the RE's waiting room - mainly the ones with twins, triplets and even a few quads, LOL! Boy wouldn't that be a shocker if we ended up with more than one! All in all the appointment went off without a hitch. M and I met with my doctor and went through the process of a frozen cycle and then we were able to get some of the testing done that is necessary for M. There's still more that has to be done for all four of us at a later date closer to the actual transfer. It's so weird saying the four of us instead of the two of us :-) My RE said that basically the FDA treats the transfer of an embryo to a gestational carrier like the transfer of any other organ - such as a kidney. Kind of interesting, I never looked at it quite that way. He also discussed how many of our frozen embryos we would want to transfer to M. My RE said that each of the three frozen embryos have about a 50% chance of surviving the thaw. His recommendation was to transfer two embryos (if we are lucky enough to have two survive thaw). So transfering two would be our ideal since that is his recommendation.

Next we met with my favorite nurse and went over a few more details such as timing and further screening. Basically timing that works well for both us as well as M and her family. Our next step is that M has to call the clinic when she starts her cycle in September for some day three lab work as well as a few other things. Basically I'm not in a huge hurry - I'm feeling really good that the process was started and that M finally got to meet my RE and some of the office staff. If things take a little longer than originally planned or we want to take all the screening slowly - that's totally cool with me. I just want everything to be as low stress and low key as possible for both us and M's family of course. Low pressure is good for everyone I think, well as low pressure as possible :-)

Today I have Brynn's 9 month well visit checkup and am hoping that goes well and uneventful as well. Later this week I am meeting with my OB/gyn to discuss the process of M delivering with him if we (M) are blessed enough to become pregnant at some point in this process. I always enjoy his imput on things so I want to meet with him as well since he will be an integral part in this process. As I mentioned M has delivered through him before so that is one less thing to worry about. She also has a wonderful doctor that she delivered her daughter through so we're lucky to have two good people to chose from if need be (that's totally up to M of course.)

Well I'm off to make Brynn another snack...I swear that kiddo is eating like a champ as always...and constantly, LOL! Her favorite food this week is brocolli and nectarines. Not together of course :-) Hope everyone is having a great week and sorry for the slow update.

Work and start to an exciting week for us all

Last Friday the weather was nice outside so I decided to take some photos of Brynn outside in our yard. She hates the bright sunlight so I tried to do it when it wasn't super sunny.

She was a champ sitting through most of them but I swear she was thinking "Why oh why do you insist on more silly photos?"

"Oh my goodness - you caught me playing with my latest favorite toy" - the red ring with rattles."This ring is not only fun, but tasty too!"

Brynn's other favorite thing to do lately is creep up on the dog and stuff Neela's whole tail in her mouth. Neela is tolerant but looks at her like...dude that is not too cool!

Over the last week I've picked up an extra couple of days at work. The overtime that used to be so abundant is now starting to dry up a bit with the cruddy economy. Nurse anesthetists used to be able to work almost whenever they wanted to but it seems like people are picking up more and more time so there is less available. Seems that most of my coworker's spouses have jobs that are unstable - many in the auto industry since we're near Detroit. So I've kind of been taking it when I can get it. Overall work has been going well. We did an eight hour crani (craniotomy) for a guy who had a four inch brain tumor on Sunday. Because our staffing was short I had to call the anesthesiologist for a bathroom break. After about six hours I thought I was going to burst, LOL! Despite being one of the largest brain tumors I've seen the patient was doing well on Monday, extubated and even talking. Amazingly enough it wasn't a cancerous tumor either thank heavens. Hopefully he'll have a great prognosis.

In other areas...Brynn has been chowing on her cheerios like they're made of gold. She screams until she gets one in her mouth and then she bursts into this grin like she just ate the best tasting treat. Although usually I have to help her get one in her mouth since she just gets frustrated. Watching her try to pick one up in her chubby little hands and miss makes me smile. She grasps her hands right next to one and then misses. I was telling one of my CRNA friend's it's kind of like watching the surgical residents try to use the laparoscopic instruments for the first time in laparoscopic surgery or ones using the Da Vinci robotic equipment. They try to pick up tissue or an organ with the grasper and they keep missing it since they have to stare at the monitor to use as a reference and not view the object directly.

Then in two days we have our first appointment with our RE and my friend to discuss details of "Operation give Brynn a sibling." I'm getting pretty excited to hear any more details that he'll have to share with us. It'll be different going to an appointment at the fertility clinic with someone other than my husband or by myself. This little journey won't just be the two of us!