I just wanted to say how much you have all warmed my heart with your kind words after my last post. It makes the disappointment from our failed FET a bit easier. Some days I find myself playing the "what if " game. The "what if" our FET had worked, then we would be around 5 1/2 weeks pregnant now. Sometimes I even find myself playing the "what if" we hadn't miscarried a few months ago...then I would be well into my second trimester and we would be arguing over what color to paint the nursery - or whether we would reuse Brynn's crib and transition her earlier to a toddler bed. But I quickly put out those "what if" thoughts - I think that they might be as dangerous as wildfires. I know those thoughts will spread and overtake the ones I should fill my head with. So I'm trying to turn my attention to everything else to cram in there, so my head has no room for those dangerous "what ifs.
Spending time up north at my parent's place has made filling my moments with positive things a ton easier. Last weekend although only one day was above 70 degrees, we still got to snap some photos of Brynn and us on the beach. Brynn loved looking at her footprints in the sand - and the fact that hers were the only ones on the beach nearby at the time.
We even let our dog Neela join in the fun with some walks on the beach. She had never been by the water before so I wonder what was going through her little doggy head when she saw one of the Great Lakes up close and personal :-) Within a moment though I felt a tug on the leash and her 8lb furry white body dragged me through the sand towards the edge of the water. Brynn soon wanted to help "walk the dog" and grabbed on the center portion of the leash.
I found myself trying to soak in these moments, because there is a very real possibility that Brynn may be our only child - and I don't want to miss a moment. Plus our daughter deserves a mom who doesn't spend her time thinking of "what ifs" because Brynn is so much more than one of those. I thank God everyday for that.
37 comments:
girl, that is SO me. i'm mrs. 'what-if' lately. my due date would have been tomorrow. so heartbreaking.
it looks like mary margaret may be an only child too and i need to get out of my 'what-if' cloud.
What-ifs get me all the time too.
When I walk the dog, I have to put on a second leash so that Elizabeth can have her own.
What-ifs can totally take over your mind if you let them. Brynn is such a little miracle herself. I can only imagine what you're going through, but my prayers are with you.
I love what you wrote at the end. You are so strong. I'm in the same boat. Nathan is probably going to be my only child, secondary of my age and my bad embryos. Have been thinking about a donor but the expenses are so high, that I don't know if we can do it. I have been going over a lot of " what ifs" and now I will stop. As you said I want him to have mom that can spend every possible moment with him and give him everything in life. It is a very hard realization, this society is very harsh on people with only one child, but I'm beyond that. I'm very lucky to have him and be healthy child. So, I wish you all the best in life. Take some time off and your life will lead you into the future. All the best Martina RN from Arizona
Those what ifs are everywhere. Its hard to avoid them. Hugs to you.
It sounds like you are doing the best possible job of staying positive. I've no doubt that Brynn knows how special she is.
Sorry for the what ifs...
I am thankful you had a lovely weekend away and are being kind to yourself.
Your daughter is so beautiful, that is really cute with her dog, she's a natural pack leader.
I am so glad you had that time away to enjoy your daughter and escape the what ifs.
I am so, so sorry your FET wasn't successful, Sara! I truly hurt for you and am thinking of you.
Sending lots of hugs your way.
P.S. Brynn and Neela are just adorable!
Sara, I am so, so sorry the FET didn't work. Hugs to you.
Thanks for your very lovely comment today.
I'm so sorry the FET didn't work out, how unfair and heart breaking.
Sara, I'm so sorry it didn't work. I know the "what'ifs" are hard to shut off in the brain. But it sounds like you are focusing on Brynn. What a special, miraculous gift she is. When I go down the "what-ifs" path I think of a song I learned at church when I was a kid. "Count your blessings name them one by one.."
Thinking of you. Big hug.
So sorry about the FET. Thank you though, for being so willing to share yourself and your life with us. Your vp miracle baby is so adorable!
I know that in time the what ifs will lessen. You are a very strong person Sara - just look at all that you have been through. Take your time and just breathe. The good thing is that you don't have to make any decisions any time soon. You may not feel like it sometimes, but you are still very young. You have time to be able to make a decision 2-3 years from now, there is no hurry. Hugs and let me know when you are up for coffee or wine.
I am so sorry Sara. We had a pretty hectic week and I didn't get a chance to check up on you. What-ifs are unfortunately a part of infertility...one of the suckiest parts. Although it won't take away all of the pain, focus all of your energy on that beautiful little miracle baby you have...you've been through so much. Clinging to each other through the hard times is the sunshine through the rain.
Those pictures are priceless!
It's so hard not to play those "what-if" games. I know you can chase those away, though. Brynn is lucky to have such an amazing mom!
*HUGS*
Hugs, sweetie. That's all I know to say.
What great pictures of Brynn and Neela at the beach. I wish we lived near each other so Brynn and Lexie could grow up together. There are so many parallels in our stories. I try to live in the moment, too, and be at peace with the knowledge that she will likely be our only.
Hang in there. Even though we don't have exactly the same IF problem, I had the "what ifs" for over 8 years before our boys came along. So I really sympathize with you right now. I can feel that ache inside from back in time so quickly. I'm not sure what's in store for you in the future, but I wish you lots of happiness and not so many "what ifs".
I've done my share of the what ifs. It doesn't change a thing but it's hard to pull yourself out of that mind set sometimes.
I love that picture of Brynn walking in the sand. It's so pretty with what looks like storm clouds in the background.
I can't believe how big Brynn is in these pictures. What happened to that tiny baby?? We all play the "what if" game at different times in our lives and I think it's wise not to dwell on it. God has the perfect plan for your family - I have no doubt of that. Hang in there, friend.
Love all of the pictures!
((HUGS))
just checking in on you.. Hope all is going good!!!! Hope you have a Happy Halloween :)
Hello! I'm just checking in with you to see how you and Brynn are doing. I hope you are all well ;-)
i think of you often and am here reading your past posts. I'm so sorry and wish things were different.
What if, coulda, woulda, shoulda feelings just suck and heartwrenching.
Big hugs, Sara.
Brynn is beautiful and so are you, as always.
xoxo
I hope you and Brynn are well ;-)
Hey lady, Saw your announcement the other day on FB. Was just checking in to see if there was an update here too that I somehow missed. Anyway, congrats! Super excited for you!
I was thinking about you today and hoping all is well. Happy Mother's Day!
Thinking about you lately - hope all is well! :-)
Kristen
I hope you are all doing well. I've been thinking of you. I bet Brynn is getting so big!
just thinking of you--
would love to hear how you're doing.
Dear Sara, you haven't post in a very long time and I'm just checking in to let you know, that I still think about you and Brynn. She must be so big by now. I hope you are ok and wishing you all the best. Please let me know if you want to talk, I know I'm a stranger but I understand what you going through more than anybody. We have decided to go through an adoption , just started so we will see what happens. My e-mail adress is sestrickacz@yahoo.com. I'm here for you. All the best Martina
Sarah,
Just dropping in to say hi and that I've been thinking of you lately. I hope all is well!
~Sully
Just catching up, girl. I'm so sorry about the failed FET. Your last sentence in this post about Brynn made me smile and is so true. Can't believe how big she has gotten! She's a doll.
((HUGS))
Hello! I hope you and Brynn are well ;-) I know things are getting crazy around here for Thanksgiving so I will wish you a happy turkey day now!
Hello! I hope the weather by you is nice. We are having really warm weather here. I hope you are all doing well. I sent you a request on fb. I should have sent you a message telling you it was me.~Astral
I haven't seen you in blog land for quite a while now. I was just thinking of you and hoping all is well.
Hi! Happy New Year! I hope everyone is doing well. I wish you a year filled with all things wonderful.
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