Today I was going through some clothes trying to separate some for Good.will and to find some more room for what I wanted to keep. At the bottom of one pile was a pair of maternity jeans. To be honest they stopped me cold in my tracks. Last spring I had spent hours scouring for the perfect pair of maternity jeans - ones that would be long enough (I'm 5'11) and ones that didn't look like.... well....maternity jeans. I think I was around 10 weeks pregnant when I bought them. Far enough into my pregnancy to feel comfy that I was almost out of the first trimester danger zone. Yet before everything changed around 12 weeks. Before I needed my cerclage and before I knew I would spent much of my second trimester and all of my third in the hospital. I had bought them before I was pregnant enough to wear them, but by the time I was pregnant enough to wear them I was either in the hospital or had lost so much weight from getting sick at the end that I never got to wear them. I glanced down, they still had the tags on them.
My thoughts went forward a bit and I realized that I hadn't worn them during the time when we were expecting our first child and even if we are blessed enough to be expecting a second child someday....I won't be wearing them then either. It felt so odd. In the months leading up to our IVF I would secretly stare into the maternity stores when I went shopping and dream of the days that I could join the ranks of the pregnant moms to be shopping for bargains - or splurging on that one perfect piece. So when our IVF worked, I think that is why I found such joy in buying these jeans to begin building my perfect maternity wardrobe. But it quickly became a wardrobe that I never got to wear. My maternity wardrobe instead grew to consist of a hospital gown and the IVs that delivered me my nutrition to feed my growing daughter along with some jello thrown in. That is why those maternity jeans with the tag on them still make me feel odd. Not sad...just odd. And as we make plans in the months ahead to add to my family - those maternity jeans won't be a part of that process either. And to be honest at times that makes me feel odd too. Not sad, just odd.
Maybe someday part of us having a family and all the things we're doing to get there won't seem odd - but rather will feel a bit more normal. So until then I've just shoved those maternity jeans to the bottom of the closet again until I'm ready accept that things will never quite be normal for us. Someday I'll realize that's okay...I'm not quite there just yet...but I'm working on it. And I think I'm finally getting closer. And that's a great feeling.
17 comments:
A new normal where Love Reigns.
I'm sorry you never got to wear those jeans, dear friend. That makes me sad for you. I continue to learn about this crazy dichotomy of life and the sweet joys of you, your husband, and your daughter's health with these losses.
((Hugs))
Boy do I totally understand your feelings on this... I honestly packed my maternity clothes up... most of them, unworn, and sent them to a fellow blogger. I have a few things left, and they make me feel odd to. I can't let them go either.... it seems as if they are to be a reminder of what was, but will not be again. Keep them as long as you need to sweetie!!!
I understand your feelings. :) It's a loss of what you thought things would be, what you wanted. Even if you end up getting everything you've always wanted, you can still mourn the different paths you had to take to get there.
Love that post. I've just reached the other side where we feel that our family is complete and I can't believe that I have to get rid of all the maternity clothes. To have pursued fertility for 13 years and now to just close that door seems weird/odd to me and it makes me sad. I'm sure there is a blog post in there somewhere but I can't articulate it yet.
"In the months leading up to our IVF I would secretly stare into the maternity stores when I went shopping and dream of the days that I could join the ranks of the pregnant moms to be shopping for bargains - or splurging on that one perfect piece." -That was so ME for 3 years!!
I almost forget all of the bedrest you were on during your pregnancy when I see pics of sweet Brynn. I know it's something you will never forget though. Just for the record, I think you were so brave during your pregnancy.
((hugs))
How things change is this world of IF! I am sorry you never got to wear them. I am glad to hear that everything went well at her 9 month (wow 9 months) appointment. You all continue to be in my prayers!
I like Martha's first line. It is such an odd thing to have so many expectations for things for so long and then while you still end up at the finish line of sorts it was no where near the path you had figured on. It's a loss in it's own way even if it's something minor like maternity clothes.
Sara.
((hugs)). Although I was lucky enough to wear sweats every day while on bedrest; I feel your pain. I told friends to come and take the stuff. I can't see it go nor do I want to hand it over but I'm hoping out of sight...out of mind.
Sarah,
I can't imagine how you feel but you were so brave during your pregnacy with Brynn...your post was very touching too me and I hope that someday you find peace in your journey because it is beautiful and very moving! Thankyou for sharing your heart :)
While I can't imagine exactly how you felt looking at those jeans- what you said about secretly staring into maternity stores definitely struck a chord.
I think we all have this image in our minds as to the perfect pregnancy or delivery & despite knowing that the ultimate goal- becoming a parent- makes the means of getting there unimportant, it still stings when we are reminded of what we didn't have. I tried very hard to relish every moment of my pregnancy, trying to be fully aware that it may be my only one & I was very lucky to have the experience, yet I still get a pang when I hear someone who had a birth experience close to what I had envisioned.
I think it is normal human nature, but I still am very sorry you don't get to enjoy your jeans as you should.
Looking at the beautiful picture of your family does make me happy though- seeing the love between the three of you is heartwarming, and the journey to get there is inspiring!
Thanks for writing this - it helps to see someone else talking about the feelings that come with things not being the way we think normal will be and working on getting to the point of getting used to it.
I hope all your adding to the family plans go well!
I cna relate somehow... I gave away all my maternity clothes ( I wore them) and most of the newborn stuff because now as a single mother having another baby is a like a distant dream
Thank you, Sara for your sweet comment. I truly wish we lived closer so we could hang out!
Your Brynn is just so stinking cute. Seriously.
Your post was so eloquent. You have been on such a hard journey and still have this incredibly bright outlook and attitude. It's so inspiring.
I understand completely your feelings about the clothes. I was so excited to put together my maternity wardrobe. And then most of it was never worn, or was worn one time, before I ended up in the hospital. I packed them up a while back and felt a sense of loss. My box of mostly unworn maternity clothes then sat in the middle of our bedroom until two weeks ago. Now it's in the trunk of my car. I don't know who I'm going to give them to, but I can't bring myself to just give them to Good Will. I feel like they need to go someplace special.
Ah, well. I haven't thrown mine out and given how rapidly the chance of another spin at the whole thing is vanishing, i really should.
Glad you're finding acceptance,
xx
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I feel the same way looking at all the breastfeeding supplies. The cards are way stacked against me for that, but it seems wrong to throw them out now.
I hope the day comes when you can look at those jeans without a bittersweet feeling...
It's been awhile, that's not like you...everything ok??
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