Never before in my life have I felt more stuck. Most days I spend chasing Brynn around and my heart is so happy. She is truly one of the sweetest little ones I have ever been around. Everyone always tells me what a "warm and loving" baby she is and how her smile lights up the room. That is why I feel so guilty for wanting more. Feeling guilty when we have already been blessed with a wonderful daughter and yet wanting more. Technically Brynn shouldn't even be here with us, she has already defied so many odds (especially her vasa previa.) I feel guilty that I still don't feel our family is complete when others struggle so much just to have one...and yet I want another. And most of all, I feel guilty for feeling just a bit sad. A bit sad that even if we are blessed enough to have another someday, because I won't be quite as much in the picture as I was with Brynn. And that is the hardest thing of all for me to admit. I can't move forward until I'm done dealing with that little bit of sadness. I don't think it's fair for anyone involved in our journey moving forward until I do. That has taken me almost a month to be able to admit and write down on here. And I think that might be the first step towards moving forward. At least I hope so.
46 comments:
I honor your stuckness and think you are so right to deal with the sadness and stress before proceeding. Guilt really only has a place when you've hurt someone, I hope you can lay that burden down and find peace and comfort in your beautiful family, no matter what the future and journey holds. My best to you all, thinking of you and Brynn is The Absolute Most Beautiful Little Girl! Her Mommy too! ((Hugs))
I too long for another baby .. and I was blessed with two .. I don't think we are being selfish or greedy at all. Just wanting something that we have dreamed of and it just doesn't happen to come as easily for us as it does for others. Most people don't have the chance to think the process of adding to their family through as thoroughly as we do ... but I am sure that if everyone did they would travel down the "guilt" road too...it seems a natural part of the process. It is great that you are working through your feelings now ... it just all boils down to the same old thing ... it's just not fair!!!
i understand your guilt and sadness. i hope that you can eventually be at peace and know that you are not in any way selfish for wanting to add to your family...it is a basic human emotion.
With all my health problems, it seems almost like asking too much to make another attempt, but it is something we both really want, even though it seems selfish. How many people need to plan and think about expanding their families like this? Not many. We all have a "just right" number in our heads when it comes to family size- it is not selfish to try and meet that goal.
I was dabbling with the idea of surrogacy myself recently, until my Dr gave me permission to try again, and it was not an easy thing to grapple with. I thought often of your post about the maternity jeans, knowing I would feel great sadness in setting mine aside too.
Don't feel guilty for wanting to add to your family of 3. I would love to have a huge family...whether it will happen or not - only God knows. :) There are so many emotions that go along with infertility...aren't there!?
I'm praying that God will grant you your true hearts desire.
((HUGS))
I understand how you feel about wanting more and knowing that you'll likely get to have that chance when there are so many others who are struggling still to even just have one. I wrestle with that all the time. It's a like a type of survivor's guilt known especially to infertiles.
About feeling like you'll take from Brynn by having a sibling and feeling guilt about that, I understand it also. One thing that really helped me out was the idea that I wouldn't be taking from the twins' lives so much as adding to it by having siblings. I knew that I'd *hopefully* be able to watch their lives and personalities expand as they grew into their new roles as big brother and sister. It's a big decision, and remember - there's no rush, either. Take as much time as you need and there is no rush or penalty for waiting until your heart is ready. (((HUGS)))
After almost losing Maggie to VP, I felt a little guilty for wanting another baby too. I still feel all too lucky to have both girls.
Hang in there, Sara. You'll sort through it all and take the path you're meant to take.
Brynn is beautiful (so are you.)
I think it must be completely natural to feel the way you do. Dealing with infertility makes us all a bit weird with the family planning aspect of it all, but add to it the complications you had with bedrest, and then VP, yikes! Of course you're feeling the way you are. Please don't. You deserve every ounce of happiness. Brynn is such a cutie pie! Truth be told, I want another baby, and I feel the guilt, too. Big ((HUGS)) to you, Sara!
Well, with such a perfect girl, of course you want another! That's what I always tell my baby sister, "I was so amazing that they wanted another."
Don't feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with your feelings at all.
So good to hear from you Sara. I am so sorry you are even having to deal with all of these emotions and feelings, but they are TOTALLY normal in your situation. You should not feel guilty at all.
You are grieving dreams you had for yourself and that is normal and okay. I am proud of you for confronting all your feelings and working through them. You are such a strong woman.
Your Brynn is just a beauty and so are you!
Hugs,
Becca
Your little girl is absolutely beautiful and I can see in her eyes what a warm, kind soul she is. It's okay to feel blessed and sad at the same time. I feel that way quite often. I will tell you from experience that I too went through similar emotions leading up to our surrogacy journey. I longed to carry another baby and felt crushed that I couldn't. My guilt was paralyzying at times. I didn't want to project any of these bad feelings on the person who was going to carry our babies, so I dealt with my wide ranging emotions in therapy (and still do). I worked through the guilt and finally came to a place where I felt comfortable going forward with surrogacy. It was weird because once I made the decision it was like a huge weight had been lifted. With that said it doesn't mean that I don't still grieve the loss of me carrying another baby because I do, but it doesn't interfere with the beautiful miracles that are growing inside my cousin!
I am happy to chat with you if you'd ever like to do that. Strength to you as you work through your emotions. It's tough I know.
I totally get it! it is definitely something you need to work through and something that is not easy to work through. You should take whatever time you need until you find peace with whatever decision you make. I do not blame you for wanting another one. Look at the beautiful baby you have, how could you not want another one of those!
That is how you feel and that is ok. It is good to recognize and deal with emotions. It's a struggle to deal with family building especially dealing with infertility. It adds so many ups and downs to the mix. You girls look great ;-) I'm glad you updated--I missed reading you and seeing Brynn!
I don't really have much helpful to contribute. Just wanted to say that I'm here to listen or support or whatever. I don't think it's wrong of you to want another baby. Whenever you move forward I'll be here too.
Many hugs to you.
Hi Sara - I hope you can let the guilt go and move on to achieve your dreams. There is nothing wrong with wanting another baby, a sibling for your beautiful Brynn. I wish you all the best while you pursue your dreams!
I hope you find peace with a decision, whatever that decision is soon.
Brynn is beautiful, and so are you!
((HUGS))
i think you're on the right path
I think those feelings are really, really, normal. I understand what you are saying. I hope you dislodge yourself soon. Thinking of you:)
I'm sorry you are still stuck - I don't think it's selfish to want to add on though - not at all. When telling people of my future family, I always refer to our "children", never one. Praying for some peace!!
You are beautiful. Brynn is beautiful. Keep that smile... it is so cliche of me to say, but it will all work out. It always does.
*hugs*
Thinking of you, and will be as you find your way.
PS I *love* her coat! Super cute.
I haven't been around much and wow, Brynn has grown! she's adorable, and her smile is too cute!
I'm stuck too. I wanna give T a sibling but am stuck.
Hugs.
Oh honey...praying for you!! Wish I had the right words...
I am thankful you have shared your thoughts with us. I don't think I have any suggestions for you. I would think though what you are feeling is acceptable.
Are you stuck because you feel it isn't right to have someone else carry your little one?
I think someone said this before, but maybe talk to your minister?
I was reading someone else's blog and they too were talking about being stuck. (A slightly different situation). A paraphrase from their blog - basically stating that you can't lead with your feelings, because your decisions will take you off the wrong dirction. That you have to lead with your choices and your feelings will follow.
I wish you the best of luck. This is a tough road you face.
I agree this isn't a selfish decision -- this is a decision that affects your family and others. I give you huge kudo's for stopping and stepping back rather than just jumping in to it.
PS Brynn is getting so big - what a doll with those blue eyes.
I can relate, I am feel stuck also, guilty for wanting more when i already have so much. But it is okay to want more, to want a brother or sister for your little girl. She looks so cute and big!!
You are a tender soul. You want another baby because your beautiful Brynn has melted your heart. Another baby would do the same thing in a different way. Who wouldn't want that? It's why I have six kids! And I am INCREDIBLY grateful for each one and know that every baby of mine has been a miracle.
Guilt can sometimes be inexplicable, but you'll work through it. God bless you!
I'm sorry you are still stuck, but I am sure you will work out the feelings you need to in your own time.
You do have such a beautiful girl- all babies are miraculous, but Brynn truly is a walking miracle- I don't think it is selfish to want a sibling for her at all!
I think it's called transition. Where you have to mourn the loss of one stage before moving to another. You aren't stuck, so much as going through this change and grieving what it means. The time will come when you embrace the change and what it means, but as with everything, it needs time. Take all that you need.
Hugs
And total understanding.
xxxx
You and Brynn have gone through such a traumatic experience. Perhaps it is time that you both need. Time for you to enjoy her alone and time for her to be the only twinkle in your eye at the moment. Try to just be, and enjoy the moment. You will know when it is time to move on.
Hi old friend! I miss you! I am sorry you are having a hard time. There is NOTHING wrong with what you are feeling. You have a lot of love to share - and there is nothing bad, or selfish about that!
xoxo
Meredith
When people ask "when are you going to have more?" I feel like guilty even discussing it. Like it's disloyal to Lily or like I'm asking for the winning lottery ticket again. It's hard.
You may be stuck, but I am very grateful that your blog is back!
I wondered where you went to.. glad you are back online. Or maybe it was just my computer. I couldn't find your blog the other day. Hope you are sorting through things.
You're back! I thought your blog had disappeared. Maybe it was a cache problem on my end. Glad I was mistaken.
Hoping for some cute birthday pics next week. :)
Just checking in on you to see how you are doing? I've been praying for you and hoping that your heart is better and lighter if that makes sense? Give Brynn a squeeze. She's a miracle here on earth to me :) Here's to a great week and holiday season for your family...
Much love from Texas!!
Just stopping by to say have a blessed Thanksgiving. I know you're going through a lot Sara, I just wanted to say I'm still around if you ever need to chat.
{{HUGS}}
Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you. Hope you're having a good holiday season, and I hope you become "unstuck" very soon. ((hugs))
I was just sitting here thinking of you and your beautiful little girl. I hope that you're all doing well. (((hugs)))
And happy belated birthday Brynn!!!
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all. Hope you have a happy holiday
Hope you're hanging in there. Been a long time since we heard an update from you. Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!
You aren't updating your blog anymore?
Sara,
Just wanted to say hi. I miss hearing from you. Please write when you can!
Becca
I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hope you are all well and you are feeling "unstuck". Hope to hear an update from you!
~jen
Juat wanted to try and touch base again. I hate to feel pushy, I just worry cause you haven't posted in so long.
Hope all is well.
Deb
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