It's weird..this feeling I've been having lately. I'm not sure what to label it as. It started a few days ago, although I think it's been brewing for some time now. I think part of my problem is that I don't know what I should be feeling. My best friend asked me if I was alright after finding out that our second IUI didn't work. I smiled and said yes..that I was excited to try again this month. This is the same best friend who has offered to due a surrogacy for us if it would help someday (which it might considering my unicornuate uterus). For that...I am so thankful...I'm not sure if I would be strong enough to offer the same if I were in her shoes...she is the best and I can never repay her enough...she's my lifeline.
My parents and grandparents came over today for some post holiday dinner...I made lasagna and it turned out great...I'm starting to find out a hidden talent that I have for cooking. But it was funny...I was serving everyone dinner...and I felt numb. Numb to their comments about what a good dinner it was, numb to my mom when she asked me in the kitchen how I was doing (she knows pretty much everything that is going on with us the the fertility journey), and numb to the lasagna I was eating. I wasn't happy...I wasn't sad...just numb. Maybe numb is easier than being sad or frustrated...but I realize that I don't like being numb...and I'm going to make sure that I stop feeling this way. It's no way to go through my day. I would be missing too much.
I think in life we have to make choices. We can let what we are going through...the infertility, the ups and downs define us and shape who we are...or we can fight back and say that this will not be who we are...just a part of what we are instead. There is more to me than this. Sometimes I forget this. Someone mentioned in their blog that often they look in the mirror and don't recognize who they have become. I can relate to that . When I look at who I was a year ago vs who I am now...I have to search to see similarities. I have to remember that I was a pretty cool person before all of this infertility stuff consumed me...I have a great set of friends, I like to run, I like to shop...boy do I like to shop!...I volunteer to provide medical care at a rehab center, I am an aunt, I'm a great sister and friend...I'm a nure anesthetist who gets to help people get better every day...gosh sometimes I forget all the other parts that make me who I am. How can I forget what makes up me? How can one little struggle define and overshadow all the rest? I'm so mad at this infertility journey...how dare you take away what I am!
So I guess now I've made a couple of early new years resolutions...Number one..stop being numb. When people ask how I am..tell the truth and move forward. Too often I try to be overly optomistic...so much that it hurts. I should just be me...and everything that I am feeling. If someone were to ask today if I were okay...I should say no...I'm not okay...I'm hurting inside...my heart actually feels like it's hurting. I ache inside...but I'm going to move forward...in time I will be okay...but today I don't feel okay. Number two...get back to being a complete person...rediscover all the parts that make me who I am...despite the infertility. I think that I will be more of a complete person with that...and instead of feeling like I had a side of lasagna for dinner I'll feel like the side was more like the infertility...not the yummy lasagna!
9 comments:
Hey Sara,
I am familiar with the numb feeling. I think the best thing to do sometimes is to just let yourself feel the emotions and go through it because it's part of the process. I try to never indulge my emotions too long and feel sorry for myself, but I think it's important to let yourself feel the way you need to feel sometimes.
I usually give myself the 24 hour rule after a disappointment, and then pick myself up and keep going.
Glad your lasagna turned out great!
The only other UUers I know are Kerryn from the boards ("scarred bellybutton" I think) and citygirltales. She had a baby last year.
Becca
I think sometimes numb is a feeling. As long as it isn't taking over your life and stopping you from feeling other feelings, I know I feel numb quite often.
I think I should make lasagna this week.
Great post, you summed alot of my thoughts up really well!
My husband always tells me to compartmentalize and I say I can't, but I think this year I'm going to have to try
glad your lasagna turned out well. I made a great spinach lasagna the other night...yum!
Yes IF eats at a part of our soul .. and we do have eto fight to remember who or what we really are! You are diffenantly in good company and I am widhing for great things for you in 2008!
I think your resolutions are wonderful. I should follow suite.
IF really can define you if you let it. Kuddos to you for deciding that it would only be a part of your life instead of being your life.
The numbness comes and the numbness goes. I hope you're able to allow yourself to feel the other feelings you have.
Happy New Year!
Hey!
I am back to work tomorrow. I have been off since the 21st so I've been spoiled. :-)
I'm glad you had a good few days off and happy new year to you too! I just know this is going to be a great year for both of us.
I sent you back an email yesterday and hope you got it. Thanks again for all your insight and stories. It really helped to hear all that.
I hope you are feeling better emotion-wise. Have you started medication for the next IUI yet?
Smiles,
Becca
Ive felt numb all too often this year...Im right with ya--trying to LIVE life this year and be willing to roll with the punches.
Hoping 2008 is a great year for both of us!
Hi Sara,
Thanks for stopping by! It's always good to meet another UUer. Like you, I've started being more open with my feelings. It's very freeing to say, "I'm ok" or "not good" instead of the automatic "fine". I think it's great your friend has offered to be a surrogate.
Oh, I love your profile picture! DH and I went to Paris 3 years ago and want to go back as soon as possible.
I have been reading up on your blog and although this is an old post, I wanted to give you a big virtual hug and let you know I am here when you need me.
My journey to conception may have been a tough 18 months before being blessed, but I remember the feelings.
I might not be able to relate to everything, but I am here when you need me.
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