Never before in my life have I felt more stuck. Most days I spend chasing Brynn around and my heart is so happy. She is truly one of the sweetest little ones I have ever been around. Everyone always tells me what a "warm and loving" baby she is and how her smile lights up the room. That is why I feel so guilty for wanting more. Feeling guilty when we have already been blessed with a wonderful daughter and yet wanting more. Technically Brynn shouldn't even be here with us, she has already defied so many odds (especially her vasa previa.) I feel guilty that I still don't feel our family is complete when others struggle so much just to have one...and yet I want another. And most of all, I feel guilty for feeling just a bit sad. A bit sad that even if we are blessed enough to have another someday, because I won't be quite as much in the picture as I was with Brynn. And that is the hardest thing of all for me to admit. I can't move forward until I'm done dealing with that little bit of sadness. I don't think it's fair for anyone involved in our journey moving forward until I do. That has taken me almost a month to be able to admit and write down on here. And I think that might be the first step towards moving forward. At least I hope so.
